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‘Don’t respond with shame or judgement’: Six things to think about if your child sends or receives nudes

Over a third of girls are asked to send nude images of themselves when they are 13 years old or younger. This is according to a new study by Revealing Reality and PHSE, the national body for personal, health, social and economic education.

The study of over 5,000 teenagers in 46 schools found that more than a third of teenage girls who sent nudes had been pressured into doing so. Researchers also found that girls felt ‘shamed’ if their nude images were leaked, while boys said that the leaking them could lead them to gain social status.

So, how should we talk to teenagers about this?

Soma Sara is the Founder of Everyone's Invited - a safe place for survivors to share their stories anonymously - and Ruby Wootton is Associate Director of Revealing Reality, one of the authors of the study. They joined Emma Barnett on ´óÏó´«Ã½ Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour to discuss how we can protect young people.

Be careful when talking about the law criminalising indecent images of children

“Sharing indecent images of a child under the age of 18 is a criminal act,” says Ruby. “This includes whether the person sharing the image is also a child and even if that image is of themselves. But any discussion of the legality of sharing nudes with a child should be done very carefully.

“You should tell your child it is illegal for them to share a nude image of another child without their consent. However, we would recommend not telling your child that sharing images of themselves might lead to their arrest or inclusion on the sex offender’s register.

“While this might seem like strange advice, fear of these consequences can mean that children who need support after sharing an image of themselves are too scared to ask for help. Some children have been tricked into sharing their nudes by adults who use the child’s fear of the law as a blackmail technique: E.g. If you tell on me, you’ll go to prison too.

“In reality, the law is there to protect children, not criminalise them.”

“It takes a great deal of trust to send an image so intimate,” says Soma. “And when this trust is violated, it is devastating for the sender. The focus should be on the receiver who has violated this trust rather than the sender who has sent something in trust and confidence.”

Try to understand that restricting your child doesn’t always help

“Simply telling a teenager never to send a nude is akin to telling a teen to abstain from sex instead of teaching them how to do so safely,” says Ruby. “It’s unlikely to work and just means they’ll have less understanding of how to protect themselves.”

“Young people are living out much of their lives online on social media,” says Soma. “For the younger generations, there is little distinction between the real world and the virtual world. They are making friends, building relationships, developing opinions and making sense of the world through screens.

“Responding with shame and judgement will only foster an environment of hostility and isolation,” says Soma. “This will increase suffering for victims who feel unable to openly talk about what they’ve been through, seek help or support from the adults in their lives.”

Make sure your child understands that requests for nudes might not always be what they seem

“In many incidents senders are manipulated, coerced, and pressured to send images by receivers who may be older, have more power and popularity,” says Soma. “In many cases the images are sent around like wildfire on social media and then used as a tool of further control, humiliation, coercion and oppression. Victims report being bullied, shamed, ostracised by their peers as a result of their image being shared without their consent.”

“This is particularly important in preventing your child from sharing nude images online with people they have never met,” says Ruby. “18% of girls and 20% of boys who had sent nudes reported sending them to people they had only met online. An adult could be posing a child and even use nudes of other children to trick a child into sending nudes back.

“This is also relevant advice for children sending nudes to classmates. Children might send a nude to a someone thinking they’ve asked for one because they like them, only to find it has been shared or used to shame or bully them. A request for a nude might have cruel intentions behind it.”

Stress to your child that sharing a nude image with someone gives that person power over you

“Children are often sending nudes because they feel pressured to do so,” says Ruby. “Or they are worried the boy might lose interest in them if they don’t send it or want to ‘check’ a boy fancies them before starting a physical relationship. 46% of girls who had sent a nude to someone felt pressured into it.

“But once someone has your nude, this gives them power over you and can be used for bullying or coercion, even if this was not the initial intention. Many teens were using Snapchat to send nudes as the image disappears after a certain amount of time and notifies the sender if the recipient has screenshotted it. But there are well-known workarounds where images can be screenshotted without triggering a notification.

“Parents should explain the dangers to their child and let them know that there are other, less risky ways to get someone to like you.”

Focus on educating yourself first

“It is crucial that we educate ourselves,” says Soma. “We must be informed, non-judgemental and empathetic in our approach. We need to create environments where young people feel confident and comfortable to share their experiences online.

“We need to develop in ourselves an understanding of the different forms of digital violence, of image-based abuse and image-based harassment. Then, we can begin to build this literacy and understanding in young people, so they are better able to identify, communicate, report and seek support if they experience something abusive online.”

Inform boys that there are better ways of telling girls they like them than sending a nude image

“There is a huge mismatch between what boys think girls feel when they receive a dick pic and the reaction girls actually have,” says Ruby. “Four times as many girls than boys reported that they had received a nude image that they didn’t want, and for the overwhelming majority of those girls, their main reaction was disgust.

“Lots of boys are sending nude images to girls who haven’t asked for them because they think girls will like it. Parents of boys, please let them know this isn’t the case…”

Listen to our discussion with Soma Sara and Ruby Wootton on ´óÏó´«Ã½ Sounds. You can also find every episode of Woman’s Hour you may have missed.

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