大象传媒

Has lockdown brought out the bickerer in you? Covid has kept us cooped up inside with our nearest and dearest, who might not be as dear as they are near anymore. Woman’s Hour spoke to Penny Mansfield, an expert on relationships from One Plus One, about how to avoid having a bicker-fest this Christmas...

1. Find the funny side

“Try to find the humour in the situation,” says Penny.

Is there a thermostat war going on? Are you silently flicking rude gestures at your partner behind their back? Well, that’s funny, isn’t it? See the absurdity of the situation and instead of getting angry try laughing instead.

“There’s a reason so many sitcoms show couples bickering - it can be very funny,” adds Penny.

2. Talk about your happy memories

Run out of things to talk about now you’re not doing anything new?

“Think about the past - but in a good way.” suggests Penny. “It can bring back some touching memories. You could then try phoning old friends and talk about what you’ve been remembering.”

3. Be constructive, not critical

“Bickering is the stuff of life, but it can verge into unkind, and nasty behaviour,” says Penny.

“The key thing is to bicker better. Resist the attacks that start with, ‘The problem with you is…’ or, giving the silent treatment, and actually speak for yourself. Say something like, ‘I’m feeling this…’ and ‘when I feel like this, it helps if you could be…’," advises Penny.

“Try to focus on what the issue is. [For example] ‘our issue’ is that we are finding it difficult to be together. So start thinking, ‘what can we do about it?’ and, ‘what would be better for both of us?’”

4. Timetable an argument

One Woman’s Hour listener suggested putting an argument in the diary.

“My husband and I have solved the problem of bickering in lockdown by designating Wednesday as ‘Row Day’,” she said.

“Any disagreements are scheduled to be fought over on Wednesday. By the time Wednesday comes around, we’ve forgotten what we were unhappy about, or, it has become insignificant! Often we forget about it until Thursday, and by then it’s too late!”

5. Get outside

Put your shoes on and get outside. Penny says you will feel better “even if you go for a walk around the park and people watch - it stimulates you to think about something other than being together.” You can also then talk about what you’ve seen together.

6. Find some alone time

If in doubt, take some time out. Listener Deborah told us: “I’ve got myself a new job after retiring. We had started to hear all our news and gossip when we’re together, so in the evening there’s no ‘what have you learned today?’ time. Hopefully, I’ll be meeting some new people and bring something fresh to the table.”

Another listener told us: “My husband’s allotment solves all our problems. Time to breathe for both of us.”

And listener Mary says: “I’ve solved the problem by just going out every morning between 09:00 and 11:00am for a walk, plugged into live Radio 4. I learn something new every day that I then bring to the table.”

So, deep breath and let’s bicker better together…at least until after Christmas.

Listen to the discussion on 大象传媒 Sounds where you’ll also find every episode of Woman’s Hour. Follow us on and on @bbcwomanshour.