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Seven life lessons learned by Sarah Millican

Part-autobiography, part-self-help book, Sarah Millican's memoir is a funny, honest and often outrageous account of how she went from being a quiet, bookish child to becoming one of Britain's most successful and best-loved stand-ups. Here are just a handful of Sarah’s hard-learned life lessons…

1. Creative writing is a way out of heartbreak

At a low ebb following a divorce from her first husband, Sarah got involved with a “scratch night” where her writing was read aloud by professional actors. “It was a total thrill… I’d sit there, at a cabaret-style table alongside people I didn’t know and hold my breath. Hearing your words, which sound so flat on paper, brought to life by wonderful, wonderful actors is amazing.”

The buzz it generated provided a lifeline at a very difficult time: “Creative writing was my way out: it was my release from a heartbreak I was beaten down by and from jobs I hated. I used to regularly say to myself: ‘I’m going to write myself out of this sh*thole.’ And eventually, over many, many years – I did.”

2. Do something you’re terrified of

At her lowest point – working six days a week, reading self-help books and crying a lot – Sarah unexpectedly booked herself on to a performance workshop. Chucked in at the deep end, the day culminated in her first ever live performance. At that night’s show, she read her monologue aloud: “The bit of paper I held shook with the aftershock of my crazy heartbeat.”

This searing experience proved to be the first step along Sarah’s path to success in stand-up: she’d done a thing she was terrified of “and it felt amazing.” As well as learning the value of using a piece of sturdy card in such nerve-wracking scenarios, she had understood that “people laughing at something you’ve said feels like nothing else.”

Four eyes are better than two!

Sarah Millican shares how she accidentally became part of the "four-eyed gang".

3. There are few thrills more intense than driving with no bra on

In a love letter to her own “knockers”, Sarah praises their many talents: “You catch cake crumbs, like nature’s bib… I keep my pencils under you… Your size means I can’t see my belly… Underneath you is the first place I get sweaty – a sign to turn the heating down – like a woozy canary in a mine.”

And she describes how their release is the best part of her day. Be it at home, on a train or in a cinema – taking her bra off “is a joy”. And she believes that driving with no bra on is one of life’s greatest pleasures (“always pull in to release the beasts. Safety first, comfy second”).

4. University isn’t essential

The comedian once did a talk at a school where her friend was a teacher, telling the students that university isn’t essential (and instantly creating panic among the teachers).

“I didn’t want the kids who couldn’t afford to go to think that this would in any way stop them from having a great life. Sure, if you want to be a doctor or a lawyer there’s no way around it, but there are plenty of jobs where work experience and being keen and willing to learn can get you a foot in the door.” She quotes Goethe: “Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.”

Sarah Millican performing at the Royal Variety Performance (2010)

5. You can make a cake out of old dead bananas

Sarah only started making cakes a few years ago – previously believing there should be a journey between her and baked goods (a walk or a drive), and a curfew (no cake after 10pm!). But these days she has a dedicated baking cupboard…

Bananas and her friend Ruth are the reason she started making cakes: “I was staying at her house once in London and she told me she made a cake out of old dead bananas. Sorry what? Old dead bananas that I’d normally put in the bin? You’re making a cake out of them? That’s like someone telling me you can turn toilet roll tubes into chocolate Hobnobs, or that old cotton buds turn into Matchmakers in the bin.”

Now Sarah proudly helps “bananas to live on, make a better life for themselves and leave a lasting legacy” via her favourite banana cake recipe.

6. People at work can be a vast improvement on kids at school

The comedian has had a “fair few jobs in her time” – her first being a part-time job at W H Smith when she was just 16, which she loved for bringing her out of her shell. It was a wonderful time in her life, and she soon came to realise she infinitely preferred her fellow shop assistants to her peers at school.

Her colleagues’ brilliance became apparent when a customer whom she was serving collapsed. The staff ran to his aid, and also to hers – trapped by the prone customer, who had blocked her exit from behind the counter, she found herself going “all woozy”. She describes the moment she was rescued: “Just in time, Kelvin, one of the best people I’ve ever met, tapped on the counter for me to climb on to it. I did, he swung my legs around, lifted me off and handed me to Gillian, who took me upstairs for sugary tea.”

It is worth mentioning that (as well as the great members of staff) she delighted in her uniform: a skirt with a dedicated pen slot.

Comedy on your smartphone

Sarah Millican and Susanna Reid in Children In Need (2011)

7. If there’s something you really want to do, work out how to do it and get cracking

Sarah used to make an annual list with a friend, with all the things they wanted to achieve that year. The only rule was that the goals needed to be attainable. They couldn’t say, for example, that they wanted a sitcom on the 大象传媒 – but they could say “I want to write a sitcom sample script and get it on the desk of someone at the 大象传媒”, or “I’d like a new carpet for the living room”.

Her advice is, “Whatever you want, write it down. And doing it with a friend is a great idea. Then at the end of the year look at the list and see what you managed… Pinpoint what it is that you want, work out how to get from where you are to where it is, and just get started. There’s no magic involved. Be focused and work hard.”

  • Sarah Millican reads from her frank and funny memoir. In her late twenties, in the aftermath of a divorce, Sarah discovered she had a talent for writing and performing comedy.

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