大象传媒

Well yesterday marked 4 years since my Dad passed away. My mum requested that we joined her at her local church to remember him and so my wife, my son, my younger brother and I went along. After the service we went to lay flowers at the cemetery, and that was followed by a lovely meal on what was a rare super sunny day in London.听

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It was a lovely day but when I got home, I was caught off guard by a strong sense of guilt. I felt guilty that I wasn鈥檛 sad on the anniversary of my Dad鈥檚 passing, or that I didn鈥檛 cry. I started to ask myself all these questions. Does this mean I鈥檓 over it? Does it mean I don鈥檛 care as much anymore? Does this mean the magnitude of his impact on my life is fading?

After much self-torment I realised that it didn鈥檛 mean any of those things at all. I just happened to have a beautiful day remembering him with my family and the emotional result of that was joy.

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It鈥檚 funny because last year I felt guilty on his anniversary for a completely different reason. That year I was visibly upset,听听emotionally unstable and ended up crying. Guilt has been quite crippling for me over the years and so I鈥檝e really tried to allow myself to feel all the things.听

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If I wake up one day and I feel like shedding a tear for the loved ones I鈥檝e lost, that鈥檚 absolutely fine. If I wake up another day and life is so busy that they don鈥檛 cross my mind that day, that鈥檚 also fine. My love for them isn鈥檛 limited to a single moment or emotion, instead it鈥檚 cemented by years of memories and unlimited adoration.听

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As we prepare to step out into a new season of life with restrictions being lifted, my motto is 鈥榙on鈥檛 be too hard on yourself, Guv.鈥�. Life is complicated and full of curveballs. It鈥檚 hard enough navigating that without adding irrational guilt into the mix. The reality is that I believe that God loves me unconditionally, and so do most of my family and friends. If they鈥檙e not placing any pressure or guilt on me, there鈥檚 no reason for me to place it on myself.