大象传媒

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mat -

Hi there. This is the Ouch podcast and I鈥檓 Mat Fraser, actor and writer. CripTales, which I curated, is a series of monologues written, directed and performed by disabled people. Ouch is featuring them in their week of podcasts to mark the 25th anniversary of the Disability Discrimination Act. This monologue is 鈥楾hunderbox鈥� by deaf actor and writer, Genevieve Barr, starring BAFTA nominated actor, Ruth Madeley. It鈥檚 about who exactly is in charge of a disabled woman鈥檚 body and who gets to decide about childbirth.

In 1967 abortion became legal in the UK, but religion, family and society鈥檚 beliefs often strongly influenced these decisions. The story starts at a pop festival in a wooden Portaloo, known as a thunderbox. Outside is an empty wheelchair. We move in to see a young white woman in a 鈥�60s dress, sitting on the loo with her tights down. This is 鈥楾hunderbox鈥�. I hope you enjoy it.听

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[鈥�6os pop music plays]

Ruth

Jack Kelly walked into my granddad鈥檚 bed shop and asked if he could buy a mattress. I was sat at the counter reading my 鈥楲ady Penelope鈥�, and when he saw me he said he鈥檇 have me on top of it an鈥� all. The mattress, not my 鈥楲ady Penelope鈥�. My jaw just鈥� [laughs]. And then he laughed and it was so鈥� joyous鈥� before my granddad heard him and went after him with a Dial A Matic. Thankfully it weren鈥檛 worse, he were watching over the butcher鈥檚 shop next door.

So I put me jaw back up and that was that, you know? Or at least I thought it was. He came back the next day. I was just鈥� [laughs]. I never thought a boy like that would look at me like that, and just be like, okay. Not special, like, just okay. Okay鈥檚 fine with me. We had our first date at the bed shop. 鈥淲hy go elsewhere when we have all we need for romance here,鈥� he said. I鈥檓 not one to argue. I locked up and span around with me hands on me hips like I鈥檇 seen me nan do in her dancing classes.

鈥淲here are the candles then?鈥� he said. Not that we did candles, they don鈥檛 really mix well with goose eiderdown. He got us a pie and I let him have some whisky. Ten years. Ten years younger and all the spaces between us. It didn鈥檛 matter though, we didn鈥檛 touch. He said he stank from working at the docks. But there was a magnetism in our minds. I was flustered at its simple promise.

My ma had a backstreet abortion. They give her a choice. It were Farrar鈥檚 Catholic pills or a quick jab up鈥� there with the needles. She chose the pills. It didn鈥檛 do the job. Hospitalised her. Barely survived. She said she wouldn鈥檛 wish the pain on anyone. Worse than childbirth. It don鈥檛 sound right, that. And when I arrived three years later all crooked she said I were punishment for her sins.

Sex was鈥� I once walked in on me nan blowing the hairdryer up on her鈥� box. [sniggers] Her face! It were like a cross between when she鈥檚 found a corner piece of a jigsaw and when me ma occasionally comes home and tries to fob off with her baccy. This peculiar reluctant delight. It鈥檚 the first time she swore at me. 鈥淵ou鈥檝e got hands, you can bloody knock,鈥� she said. I just stood there. 鈥淲on鈥檛 you burn yourself?鈥� I asked. And she pressed her lips tightly, like she was trying to squash a smile. 鈥淎ll things need a bit of an airing from time to time.鈥� I could barely breathe for crying wi鈥� laughter.

鈥淏est to get it done quick,鈥� he said, 鈥渇irst time won鈥檛 feel like our minds meeting. And then you鈥檒l start to blossom.鈥� 鈥淏lossom? What, like a cocoon?鈥� His voice sounded funny. [muffled] 鈥淎 cocoon?鈥� he said. 鈥淎 cock oon,鈥� I replied. He laughed and鈥� His skin smelt nice. They鈥檇 been loading Cheshire salts on the boats at the docks.

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My granddad got the Bizzies involved. 鈥淚t weren鈥檛 right,鈥� they all said. So they went calling for him down at the docks. Me granddad dragged me down an鈥� all in case he didn鈥檛 come by his name. I remember how our minds met. He was gone. Dockmaster said, 鈥淗e鈥檚 a Woolly Back, what do we expect?鈥� Then, 鈥淎 girl like her will be grateful.鈥� Granddad didn鈥檛 need his Dial-A-Matic that time.

The doctor described me to my ma as subnormal. That was the word. 鈥淵ou鈥檝e got a girl but I鈥檓 afraid she鈥檚 come out subnormal.鈥� Polite. He said, 鈥淕iven the outcome had been unexpected no one would judge if鈥� If things didn鈥檛 work out.鈥� Community care could be arranged. 鈥淲e could fix to have her sterilised. It might be kind.鈥� Or kinder. That鈥檚 British eugenics for you. Me nan put a stop to all that. Fourteen, I were knitting baby clothes for Barnardo鈥檚 to send over to the Colonies. Ma walked in and she didn鈥檛 like that at all. Snatched them right out me hand, pulled the stiches out. 鈥淣o, no more,鈥� she said. 鈥淵ou鈥檙e the end of the line.鈥�

I tried to kiss her and lick the whisky from her breath. Babies need to be kept warm, it helps them feel safe. My ma drove me in Granddad鈥檚 car. Me nan couldn鈥檛. Three hundred miles away, a small cottage hospital. My ma stayed in the car. 鈥淵ou鈥檝e got to get rid,鈥� she said, 鈥渋t鈥檚 not right.鈥� She slipped me a bus fare, lit up a fag and shot off in a plume of smoke. I sat in the disappointment room. Last on the list. 鈥淚t might get more complicated with you.鈥� I got a pat on the hand. He went in, he went out. A lady whispered, 鈥淵ou鈥檙e lucky, you know. No one鈥檚 going to judge you for getting rid.鈥� I got another pat.

Later, I went in. The doctor said, 鈥淵ou鈥檝e made the right choice.鈥� I felt my legs pick me up and carry me away. When I got back Nan was knitting by the fire. She knew. I said, 鈥淚鈥檓 having her.鈥� Nan cried. She said she was too old. 鈥淣o. No more, not again. Who鈥檚 to raise her?鈥� [crying] 鈥淢e,鈥� I said. 鈥淵ou鈥檙e not fit,鈥� she said. 鈥淢e. I can do it, I can.鈥� Her lips鈥� her lips pressed tightly for a long time. She patted me on the hand and said, 鈥淏e fair. Life鈥檚 not fair.鈥� The point is Father, I wanted her. Will you let her know that please? Forgive me, Father. Forgive me, darling girl.

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