大象传媒

Oh. my. word. What is that smell? Either we've been driven to a sewage farm whilst we were sleeping or Chappers has drawn back his curtain. The smell is hurting my eyes. I need food, I need a wash and I need more sleep before I inflict myself on the poor people of Cardiff. I'm gonna grab them now if we are to stick to our tour manager's 8.15 departure time... Yeah, right.

Myself and Will are filming this weeks events, editing on our laptops and turning them into the Scorcese-esc packages that will be appearing online each day. So far it's all going to plan and we've still got all our equipment - packed into 25 numbered bags. That will change before the end of the week. I've been on a few of these 'tour bus' type trips now and there are a couple of things that always happen... Firstly, no matter how much the Tour Manager moans, shouts and eventually pleads we will never, ever leave on time in the morning. Second, no matter how many promises you make to yourself about not eating crap all week and living off service station pasties you always eat crap all week and live off service station pasties. I'll keep you informed about the bag situation.

Pretty much this time last year I was on tour with The Red Nose Rally. Loosely speaking I was in charge of that one. To be honest behind the scenes it was a total nightmare (mainly due to me being badly organised and trying to do too much). For this reason I was pretty much dreading this trip. However, as I am Minister Without Responsibility on this tour I'm letting Miles do all the worrying. I also made the canny move of diva-demanding a hotel room rather than sleeping on the bus. As a result I'm now quite relaxed. I'm having problems with my .wmv files so I need some help. More of that in a moment.

Here's a few interesting observations, in no particular order...

1. The bus is beautifully 'wrapped' in massive graphics of Laura and Scott. However, these entirely cover the ground floor windows, so I am sitting here in near pitch darkness, my laptop lit by nothing but the glow of Rhys' fag.

2. Laura really does have a cleaning thing. She was given various presents at last night's auditions - champagne, flowers, chocolates and cuddly toys of various shapes and sizes, but the gift that really made her eyes light up? A bottle of Cillit Bang. Really. Then she went through the tour bus like a dose of salts and the whole place stinks of disinfectant and Fabreeze.

3. The conversation on the tour bus never emerges from the gutter. We've just discussed that Laura might try for a new twist on the plate spinning record, more detail I can't go into here. I'd also like to introduce the word 'fooff', again, more I can't say.

OK. If you're a techno geek and you know anything about encoding .wmv files using windows media encoder please get in touch. I'm trying to encode a .mov to .wmv to go online but it doesn't work. It says I don't have the right codec. It works on my PC at the office but not on the laptop. Genuinely, get in touch if you can help. radio1.webteam@bbc.co.uk.

Busy first day yesterday, nearly lost the keys to the bus in the first 5 minutes, but found them lodged under a box of tea bags. No idea why. Tired today, last night bed at 2.30 and up at 6.45. Rhys and Chappers snore badly, may have to either get my ear plugs out or kick them off the bus. Will's eating all the Dry Roasted peanuts.

Just arrived in Wales - as Rhys says 'Land of my Fathers'. Should be a good show today as we were driving a bit blind yesterday. Need to have a coffee now - Loving listening to Massive Attack on the huge bus speakers. PS my wisdom tooth is coming through.

I feel a bit sick. Never really had travel sickness before, but as I went to bed so late last night I tried to grab more sleep as we were travelling from Southampton to Cardiff. As a result, feel like I may spew. Hopefully not on this laptop eh? Bit tired really, but I really enjoyed the auditions last night. There were some real... characters.

Laura has just fabreezed my bunk. Again. She needs to stop the OCD madness. This bus is going to ming by Wednesday, and no amount of Cillit Bang is going to change that honey.

Laura has just made a startling revelation involving a chiuhua which I can't go into any further. Chappers is loving every minute, as you can hear on Radio 1. He was so nasty to some of the auditionees. I thought he was going to get punched.

OK. Nearly in Cardiff now. Remember, Laura's dad wants the winner to be Welsh, so let's hope. Oh, and it's my birthday. There is nowhere I would rather be than on a bus with some of my favourite people.

I've just given given the bus a quick once over. Its amazing how mingin this place can get! I'm now having a dilemma about what to wear tonight... these things need to be planned as there's absolutely no privacy on this bus and the boys are all perves. Miles has just suggested me and Scott go straight into Cardiff without washing. I like a joke! He might feel comfortable doing that but me and Scott appreciate the art of washing. Anyway... just pulling up to the hotel now... better go. xxx

Firstly let me clear up the sleeping, it's executive thinking time and with 4 hours a night I need it. The prize for the grumpiest and most ill tempered lack of humour goes to you've guessed it - professional Manc - Mark Chapman. He only really cheered up when he could fully vent his spleen on the hapless contestants trying to woo Laura.

We've just back from Cardiff and I have to say the men of Cardiff seemed far more up for it than yesterday's limp lot in Southampton. Four out of five - let's just see if any of them turn up. Time for the show...think I'll get some tea!!!!

If you think conditions on the bus are cramped then you should see the size of the studio. It's big enough for Scott, Emlyn, Chappers and Laura at a push. The problem is we've been using my laptop to send the webcam pictures back and because space is at a premium it has to live in the corner behind the mixer, which isn't a problem except for when I have to work. Manipulating my body to fit the space and avoid pulling wires out of the mixer and taking us off air isn't the easiest... it plays hell with my back and leaves me grumpier than Chappers.

Speaking of Chappers... His mood had been improving but is now back on the decline thanks to the fact that he has to judge the the auditions at the same time as the Arsenal - Juventus match tonight. And Miles has been getting random calls from someone threatening to do nasty things to him. He doesn't know this yet but one of those calls came from me... It's amazing what you will do in the name of entertainment on tour.

We're just about to head into the auditions, but had to get this down. First, I have to introduce Steve, he's the chief engineer and all round teetotaller of this parish. For some reason he has taken to permanently wearing shorts on this tour, despite the inclemency of the weather in both Southampton and Cardiff. It seems that no-one's told him he's not in 'Ibeefa" engineering for Pete Tong anymore. If you can imagine David Attenborough with a working knowledge of ISDNs you've got Steve. He's taken a fair ribbing from both his fellow knob twiddlers and the rest of us but he's carried on regardless. So you can imagine the delight of all concerned when he was physically ejected from the hotel restaurant for being improperly dressed. He sheepishly returned some minutes later minus his shorts, but wearing stay-pressed khakis and now sporting an offensive shirt of the loud Hawaiian variety.

My eyes were barely dry from this incident when the pudding course caused further mirth. The hotel 'sweet' as I believe it's known in esoteric circles consisted of a rich chocolate mouse. Me, Pete and Huey all went for it. As Pete said it was just basically chocolate and cream beaten together and totally delicious. Half way through the pudding (we were all flagging by now at the pure richness of it) I had one of those 'oh, you get that too?' moments we humans sometimes have. "This is so f***ing rich, it's making me sweat," says Pete. I didn't realise anyone else got chocolate sweats (I get cheese sweats too particularly with mature cheddar). This has set me off properly and I swear the pure amounts of sugar and cocoa in the pudding have sent me off into some sort of drug crazed apoplexy. I'm still crying with laughter when Pete, the big Lord, puts down his spoon, half way through and claims he's all done. Huey is looking green but struggles on manfully. I, being the human dustbin I am, finish with time and room to spare. Huey finally finishes, but Pete swears he'll puke if we make him eat the rest, so we let him retire gracefully from the chocolate fray. I think I'll skip pud tomorrow.

This won't come as a surprise to women but sometimes men do things they really shouldn't for pride reasons. There something about a challenge that no matter how stupid or far reaching the consequences will be can't be resisted. Tonight at dinner I ate what can only be described of as a lump of chocolate that was so rich it turned up on my table in a chauffer driven bowl. Once challenged to finish what we started neither myself Roachy (TV Director) or Will (Director's Assistant director and not Assistant Director) had the intelligence to say enough is enough...and so continued until billious.

After reluctantly lending my iPod to Miles (Tour Manager) to play music in the waiting auditionee's early in the evening I've gone up to him at the end of the night and asked him if I can have it back before someone takes it. That's not going to happen because its safe in my back pocket. Sadly Miles doesn't know that so the panic striken tour manager spends the next 15 minutes questioning random strangers in the bar about the missing Ipod. It was only when he had to be restrained from frisking the Israel Women's Football Team (who were having dinner in the room next door) that I decide to tell him I had it all along. How he laughed...Not!

Blimey! what a day!? i'm off to bed now, left Scott in the bar (again). Fortunately my mum was much more well behaved tonight and my dad seems to be asking increasingly random questions. Felt a bit sorry for some of the auditionees actually, most of them were clearly cacking their pants...the room was a lot bigger tonight and it was all a bit more intimidating as a result. There were some right cards that turned up...at one point I had to duck under the table as i was p***ing myself so much! Got some great presents too...including several pieces of original poetry, toothpaste (random), earplugs, wine and an actual lemon one of the contestants had grown himself. bless! Anyway i bid ye a farewell, need to get some kip....all the best x