"What
the hell are you doing here?"
"That聮s not much of a welcome, Lizzie. Aren聮t you even
going to offer me a cup of tea?"
"Bog off, Kenton!"
"So you聮re not interested in Dave聮s latest bit of asset-stripping?"
Kenton smiled slyly, Elizabeth聮s passionate avarice made her so easy
to manipulate.
"What?!"
"Put the kettle on, Sis and I聮ll tell you all about it."
Daniel
was not having a good day. PE had been the usual nightmare; he had wobbled
his way around the apparatus in the school hall to a soundtrack of giggles
and sotto voce comments of, "Look at Piles, he聮s so fat!"
and "Do you think that rope will hold you, porky?"
The
school "library" (a converted broom cupboard containing a large
number of dog-eared Enid Blytons, a handful of outdated non-fiction books
and a dozen untouched presentation copies of Jennifer Aldridge聮s
history of Ambridge) contained nothing about the mysterious inner workings
of cars and it was Alistair聮s turn to pick Daniel up from school.
If all that weren聮t bad enough, he had made the mistake of asking
Chelsea Horrobin (the toughest girl in year three at Loxley Barrett Primary)
if her older brother would be prepared to teach him about cars. Chelsea
had laughed in his face.
"Why would Jake bother with a stupid, little t*rd like you, Piles?
And anyway, he聮s away."
"Away?"
"Yeah, he got six months detention for twocking."
"Twocking?? What聮s that?"
Daniel couldn聮t imagine what 聭twocking聮 could be, but it
sounded horrible.
"Taking without consent, you sad, little tw*t."
Daniel looked blank.
"Nicking cars, you muppet!"
Elizabeth,
unaccustomed to performing such menial tasks herself, was searching for
the tea bags.
"That old crone Mrs Pugsley must live on tea! I know Kathy brought
a catering pack of tea bags down from the caf茅 last week, but there聮s
no sign of them in the cupboard!"
Unbeknownst to Elizabeth, Mrs P. (who favoured a good quality, loose leaf
Darjeeling) regularly sold the catering tea bags on to the Ambridge Over
60聮s and the W.I. As she had said to Titcombe, " When the Pargetters
start paying decent wages, things聮ll stop going walkies, won聮t
they?"
"Let me look."
Kenton was a natural scavenger and within a minute he had found Mrs Pugsley聮s
tea caddy and was examining the contents of the biscuit barrel. Much to
Kenton聮s disappointment it contained nothing but a few broken digestives,
and the cake tin was entirely empty. Then he noticed the tin that Titcombe
had left at the back of the cupboard.
"Ah, home made chocolate chip cookies. Perfect."
Strapped
into the back of his step-father聮s car (Alistair never let him ride
in the front) Daniel had nothing to do but glare at the back of Alistair聮s
head and repeat to himself, "I聮m going to kill you. I hate you!
I聮m going to kill you. I hate you!"
"He聮s
selling Woodbine?!"
"Yes, he聮s persuaded Bert and Freda to move to the bungalow."
"And he never said a word to me! If David thinks he can get away
without giving us our share of the proceeds, then he聮s in for a nasty
shock!", spat Elizabeth, helping herself to another of Jean-Paul聮s
chocolate chip cookies.
"Thinking聮s never really been Dave聮s strong point though.
Do you remember that time we convinced him that that pig of Dad聮s
was possessed by demons?"
"And he asked the vicar to exorcise it!"
Elizabeth and Kenton roared with laughter.
"Hey! Leave some of those biscuits for me Lizzie!"
Kenton quickly grabbed two more cookies.
"Of course it聮s Ruth we really have to worry about", said
Elizabeth thoughtfully.
"Yes, you聮d never think to look at her that Ruth could be so
ruthless."
Elizabeth started to giggle.
"I wish we were 聭Ruth-less聮!"
By now Kenton too was giggling and spluttering cookie crumbs all over
the kitchen table.
"Ruthless!"
The repetition of this puerile joke had them both in hysterics. Tears
streamed down Elizabeth聮s face and Kenton was helpless with mirth.
Alistair
frequently regretted his marriage to Shula, but never more so than when
he was obliged to spend time with his step-son. There was something quite
creepy about the way that Daniel looked at him and he was such a mummy聮s
boy, always whining to Shula about something. Still, when Shula wasn聮t
around Alistair had his own ways of dealing with Daniel.
He had discovered during one of these tedious school runs, that if he
made Daniel sit in the back of the car and drove along the twisting lanes
at a steady 50 mph he could make the boy thoroughly car sick without actually
causing him to puke. The sight of Daniel聮s face in the rear view
mirror, growing steadily more ashen, was a source of great satisfaction
to Alistair.
"You greedy pig, Kenton! You聮ve finished all the biscuits!"
"You ate your fair share too. Have you got anything else to eat,
I聮m starving!"
"I聮d like a nice, big slice of one of Mum聮s cakes",
said Elizabeth dreamily.
"That聮s a brilliant idea, Lizzie."
"What is?"
"Let聮s go round to Glebe Cottage. Mum聮s bound to have something
to eat and if we can get her on our side over this business with Woodbine,
Dave and Ruth won聮t stand a chance of cheating us. Imagine how Ruth
would react if Mum threatened to withdraw her baby-sitting services."
"Kenton, you聮re a genius!"
If
Alistair hadn聮t been enjoying Daniel聮s discomfort so much, he
might have slowed down on the approach to the cross roads. If Elizabeth
hadn聮t been stoned out of her mind and laughing uproariously at Kenton聮s
supremely tasteless impersonation of Neil and Susan Carter in the bedroom,
she might have seen Alistair聮s car before it was too late.
Still,
at least Kenton and Elizabeth died laughing.
The
first thing Daniel saw when he regained consciousness was his mother聮s
anxious, tear streaked face.
"Mummy?"
"Oh Daniel darling, thank God! You聮re in hospital darling, there
was an accident聟",
Shula聮s voice trailed off as she struggled to control her emotions.
"Alistair?" Daniel croaked.
"Oh darling.. Alistair.. Alistair didn聮t survive the crash."
Shula, distraught, began to sob.
Which explains why she didn聮t notice the small, but exultant smile
on Daniel聮s face.
