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Listeners' Fantasies |
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The Misdemeanours Book
by various
 That book in the village shop is taking on a life of its own, in the Fantasy Archers topic of .
From The Management Team
Please feel free to record any misdemeanours that you have spotted. If at all possible, tell us the name of the offending volunteer, or suspected offending volunteer.
You could also use it to log any interesting bits of village gossip that you happen to pick up on your shift.
Thank you.
18/06/10
From Pat Archer
I have been perusing the baby products section of the Village Shop. No particular reason, no, no, not at all.
I'm just undertaking a goods and quality check, as it were, on behalf of the Committee.
I note that all the baby products (both food and toiletries) are non-organic.
I feel we should explore the organic option where all baby products are concerned.
After all, everyone wants the best for their baby or grandchild, and organic certainly is best!
Of course, I have no a vested interest here. Purely a business consideration.
19th June 2010
From Jim Lloyd
Jill Archer was in here earlier demanding that the shop should have chestnuts-in-a-jar in stock. Some soup she's promised to make for a video I believe. Yes, I was astounded that she would consider making such a thing in June too, but hey ho, the Customer is King, or Queen in this case then I suppose. (Clienta esta Regis as we used to say at the old alma mater.) I realise this is not a Misdemeanour as such but I would just like to use this opportunity to raise the question of What Should Be Done with customer requests for unusual items.
From Susan Carter
Standartenfuhrer i/c rotas.
1. Say there's no call for it.
2. Suggest it's a bit posh for most people round here and can't they get it in Underwoods, this shop is for the local people who can't get into town, you know.
3. Say "well, I'll do my best...", meaning you won't.
4. Tell me, so I can add it to their security file in the Post Office safe.
21/06/10
From Vicky Tucker
Jazzer came in this morning, poor love.
He complained that Susan Carter refused to sell him a deodorant spray on Saturday. He said she accused him of sniffing aerosols.
At least, I think he said aerosols. With Jazzer, it's a bit hard to tell!
He seemed a bit peeved, I thought, so I said, "Don't worry, love - let me give you one right away," but he turned and ran out of the shop!
What a strange young lad he is!
Ah wahnt tae lodge a sekshual harassmunt misdemeenurr. See that Vicky, she's well oot ae oardurr! Ah cannae repeat whit she jist suggestit bit aw ah'm sayn is thit ah dinnae think she shid be lift in the shoap alane wi' anythin in troosurrs.
Jazzur.
21st June 7:35pm
From J Archer
When I came to cash up tonight, I found someone had paid Eddie Grundy for 10 flagons of cider. There was a note (I think it was Vicky's handwriting) saying he claimed they'd been ordered for the Local Produce Section. I took them off sale immediately, but we appear to have sold one.
I couldn't mop the floor because we have run out of catering floor cleaner. I daren't use the retail cleaner because Susan has forbidden us to as it would muck up her stock control.
22nd June
10am - from J Lloyd
Have just had my ear bent by my charming daughter-in-law. It would appear someone sold young Daniel a flagon of Eddie's cider. I didn't know we sold it - what an excellent shop this is. He said he'd been asked for ID, but told the lady he'd left it at home, the young scamp. Still, he's paying for it today - I gather he has been rather ill. Shula blamed me, even though I told her I wasn't on shift yesterday.
Found all Eddie's cider in the cupboard, so I have restocked the shelf. Aren't I efficient!
2pm From S Carter
(sub Postmistress, Shop Manager and general senior person)
On reading the log above, I accidentally kicked over one of Eddie's flagons. It would appear it is excellent for getting stubbon marks off the floor and I spent a happy hour using another flagon to clean the other end of the shop!
I blame Sabrina Thwaite for all the above, even though three witnesses say she was in Felpersham at the time.
21/06/10
From The Management Team:
Excellent, that's the spirit! Well done, everyone!
Use of this Misdemeanours Book seems to be catching on. It brings a whole new meaning to "shopping" at the Village Shop!
So, currently in need of supplementary training by Susan Carter, we have:
Jim Lloyd, Vicky Tucker, Sabrina Thwaite and, er, Susan Carter.
We'll have to get back to you on this one.
From Sabrina
Darlings I am soooo sorry I couldn't do all my tasks today! I seem to have lost an earring, I've looked everywhere, even had all the frozen stuff out because I thought it might have dropped in the freezer - hope it all went back in the right place! Sorry to make such a fuss, but they are rather special, an exclusive QVC line and irreplaceable.
Please all keep your eyes open.
xxx Sabrina xxx
From Jim Lloyd
There are no prices on that little display of teddy bears by the till, so I had to improvise this afternoon when a German family walked in.
(Tourists looking for Leicester, apparently. They were rather stumped because their sat-nav denied all knowledge of Ambridge, would you believe!)
Anyway, their two little girls took a fancy to the bears. I told them they represented Ursus arctos horribilis Ambridgianus, the famous and ferocious Grizzly Bears of Ambridge, and I sold two of them for £5 each.
If the price should have been higher, I shall pay the difference out of my own pocket.
But could we have them priced up ASAP, please?
From Jill Archer
Oh, no, Jim - you didn't really sell those bears, did you?
They're not actually for sale!
Vicky brought them in this morning, to keep her company and to make the till area look a bit more cheerf...
Give me that biro, Jill Archer!
Jim Lloyd, you horrid, horrid man!!
How could you!!! How could you sell my precious bears!!!! I've had those bears for years!!!!!
And I'm never going to see them again!!!!!!
Poor little Wiffles, poor little Snorkins!!!!!!!
I'm sorry, I can't...
Note From The Committee
Please will Volunteers kindly refrain from bringing personal items into the Community Shop. This is to comply with Health and Safety Regulations and to keep the till area tidy. All personal belongings should be left on the Volunteers Shelf in the stockroom.
Thank you for your cooperation.
From Jill Archer
It's all right, everyone. I've managed to sedate Vicky. Thank goodness for the Grundy cider, eh?!
Vicky's fast asleep on the stockroom floor now, and I've phoned Mike to come and fetch her.
I put the money for the cider in the till, so as not to confuse whoever's cashing up tonight.
But I expect I will be reimbursed won't I? After all, it was an emergency.
A good idea by The Committee, by the way, regarding personal belongings. It could lead to all manner of confusion.
For example, earlier today, before I had a chance to catch up on the Misdemeanours Book, I sold a single earring to Nic. She found it in among the pies in the cold storage cabinet.
I explained to her that I couldn't locate the other earring, but she said it was OK, she could only afford one anyway, what with the children needing new summer sandals and everything.
From Susan Carter
(Sub Postmistress, The Lady with the Scanner, Commander of the Stock Room etc)
Will all volunteers please note that the long shelf in the Stock Room is for the exclusive use of the Sub Postmistress only and may not be used by the volunteers AT ANY TIME. Volunteers should confine their personal effects to the smaller shelf only.
Volunteers should also note that the large coat hook with the fancy brass knob is also for the exclusive use of the Sub Postmistress. This is Traditional, and cannot be changed.
Our thanks to Campbell in Wild West Clogs, Curtain Twitcher, Pat Clifton, Vicky S and Hot Cross Nun, who started the whole thing.
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