大象传媒

(The one they wouldn聮t show us)

Michael Aspel crouches furtively outside a large barn 聳 famous red book in hand.

Michael Aspel: It聮s early morning in mid-February, here in the village of Ambridge, and pretty chilly I can tell you. We聮re here today to celebrate the life of a man who has brought pleasure to countless women. But let聮s take a peek inside聟.

He opens the door on the scene in the lambing shed. A man is sitting on a bale of straw, Thermos beside him, gazing dejectedly at a photo. At the opposite end of the barn, a young woman can be glimpsed occupied in wiping a new-born lamb with a handful of straw.

Michael Aspel: Yes, Farmer and man of mystery, Brian Aldridge 聳 This is your life!
Brian (starting): What the bl聟.? Debbie, did you put them up to this?
Debbie: Believe me, I had nothing to do with it, and I want nothing to do with it whatsoever. You聮re on your own from now on.

The scene changes to the brightly lit television studio, where Michael Aspel stands, book on one arm, and the other around Brian聮s shoulders.

Michael Aspel: Brian Aldridge, born in 1943, little is known of your life until you moved to Ambridge. Married to Jennifer since 1976, you have two daughters, a stepson and stepdaughter. Unfortunately, only one of your daughters is able to be with us today.
(Voice off: Alice, stop playing with your ring.)
Yes, they're here with us, your wife Jennifer and your youngest daughter Alice.
Brian: Jenny, darling, and Alice.
Jenny (coldly): Brian
Alice: Hi Dad.
Michael Aspel: Tell us about your romance with Jenny.
Brian: Well-uh-let me see. I remember on day seeing Jenny standing in a field with a young gamekeeper by the name of Gordon, he was removing a speck of dust from her eye, but I thought they were kissing. I asked her to marry me the next day 聳 I was so jealous.
Jenny: Tell me about it.
Michael Aspel: And although she can聮t be with us, here is a message from South Africa from your daughter Kate.
Video of Kate: Hi Mum, Alice, Dad. Hope you聮re all having a great time and looking forward to seeing you the next time you come out here. Alice, I think you should get your tongue pierced next. Give a big kiss to Pheebs from me. Bye (Is that enough? Can I stop now?)
Brian (sotto voce): Where聮s Debbie?
Jenny (equally sotto voce): She refused to come.
Michael Aspel: And now let聮s meet the rest of your extended family.

Enter the Archer clan, most of who treat Brian as though he is suffering from leprosy and Jenny as though she is the grieving widow at a family funeral.

Jill: Jennifer, I聮m so sorry聟.
Chris: If there聮s anything I can do聟.
Phil: I hope you don聮t mind, but I brought Heather along聟
Heather: Oooh aye, when the boot cums in.
David: Brian, I really don聮t know聟.
Jack: Lovely to be here Brian. You聮re looking very well I see. I was only saying to Peggy the other day, no small part of my present happiness is due to knowing I聮m a step-granddad and a great-step-granddad. Sometimes just the thought聟.
Peggy: Jack, I think that聮s enough.
Jack: Right you are Peggy. Bye for now Brian. See you later at the do.

Michael Aspel: And ever the popular man in his adopted village, let聮s meet some of Brian聮s lady friends.
(Voice off: Well, I think it was my conversation with Shula which finally made me see sense. When we started giggling over his white socks and silly shoes with little chains on, I just couldn聮t take him seriously any more聟)
Enter Caroline, Betty, Mandy and Penelope.
Brian: Penelope? But I never聟.
Penelope (smarmily): You don聮t know what you missed Brian.
Betty: What聮s all this about? I聮m only here because someone told me there was some change to count.
Caroline: Jennifer, I hope we can still be friends?
Jenny: Friends? Castrated young calves*! If that Irish trollop so much as shows an eyelash here I聮m off.

(*she seems to mean "bullocks", for some reason)

Michael Aspel (aside): Cut the next video. (continuing) Well, moving on, let聮s not neglect the menfolk of Ambridge.
Brian: I never聟
(Voices off: I mean, after all the effort I put into organising his shoots, all the mean old bugger gave me was this聟
Don聮t you worry about that 聳 you should have seen his face when I told him who聮d got the contract. Laugh? I thought I聮d bust a gut!)
Enter Greg, Eddie and Bert.
Greg: Mr. Aldridge
Eddie: Mr. Aldridge, Jennifer. How聮s your sister Lilian?
Bert: And if I may I聮d like to recite a little poem I wrote. (Clears throat)
In Ambridge town, where I was born
There was a right cad dwellin聮
His roving eye he cast far and wide
His name was Aldridge, Briyun.
Young Siobhan on childbed lay...
Michael Aspel: Splendid.
Bert: 聭Ere, I ain聮t finished yet.

Michael Aspel: But to continue. I said earlier on that you also had a stepson. Adam Macy has been doing life saving development work in Africa, but he has flown here especially to be with you on today.

Enter Adam.
Jenny: Adam, darling.
Adam: Brian, you and Mum have been wondering why I聮ve been so long coming here. I have to tell you that it聮s been a hard decision, but I felt some explanation was necessary and so I continued my researches. Mum, I cannot say how sorry I am聟

Curtains part on unknown woman, surrounded by several children of various ages.

Brian: Judy?
Michael Aspel: Yes, Brian Aldridge 聳 this is your wife.