The
Ultimate Speaking Part
by SheilaSovietSong
Here's
an unusal perspective from The Archers message
board.
Brian聮s
Car sat outside Lower Loxley, trying to control his nerves. Only a few
minutes to go now, and then it was it, his greatest moment so far.
Almost the Ultimate Speaking Part.
He聮d never built up his expectations: when you took on a role with
"Driver: Careful", then you pretty much knew what you were up
for. The odd purrrr purrrr vroom vroom whilst your occupants wondered
whether they were going to get to Hollerton Junction in time to catch
the train, or observed some minor piece of plot business on the roadside.
If you were lucky, a breakout of bullocks onto the road. On the whole,
though, it was a small job every few months, nothing exciting, but a regular
paycheck for years to come.
Nigel聮s
Car gave him the thumbs up. Ironic really. When you get "Driver:
Well meaning but Erratic" you expect the odd moment of stardom. When
the rumour started that Nigel would be arrested for drunk driving, Nigel聮s
Car thought his hour had come. He聮d even done some improvisation
sessions with Generic Police Car to get himself in the mood. That was
courting bad luck: when the script came out and it emerged the whole business
happened off-mike, Nigel聮s Car had been devastated. Not only was
there no centre-stage dialogue for the cars, Nigel聮s Bike suddenly
got major attention. Nigel聮s Bike, who Nigel聮s Car had continually
snubbed in the canteen. It just showed it paid to be nice all round.
Of
course, the worst thing was to be saddled with "Driver: Careful and
non-speaking". The most you could generally hope for was a whooshing
sound (e.g. "oh, there goes Chris Carter joyriding in a Ferrari."
"Whooosh") or the occasional slammed door.
Jack聮s
Car had fared better. He had the handicap of playing a make of car that
was reknowned for being practically silent. However, there was the bonus
of two gabby passengers, and it was generally agreed that Jack聮s
Car was a quality artiste 聳 no-one could do a semi-audible purring
hum like Jack聮s Car.
That
was a standard audition piece for cast members, Jack聮s Car. That
and the Ultimate Speaking Part, the part that every car both hoped and
feared would turn up in a new batch of scripts. Screeehch, Screeehch,
Screeehch. Crumple. Smash. Tinkle Tinkle. Drip Drip Drip. Whump, whoosh
BANG crackle crackle BANG. It meant it was the end of your character,
but most cars thought it was worth it. Even when very drunk at his farewell
do, William聮s Car had had no regrets.
And
Brian聮s Car had lucked out. A featuring role, up to and including
Tinkle Tinkle. The Ultimate part, but without the ultimate payoff. He
and Local Ambulance had got the scene off pat. He wondered about ad-libbing
a Drip, just to add an extra frisson for the audience, but Local Ambulance
warned against it. She聮d seen too many cars ad-libbing their way
into Ultimate when they could have been Recoverably Wrecked if they聮d
just stuck to the script.
The
red-haired human was coming out of the house. Brian聮s Car felt a
surge of confidence. This is what is was all about, this was where he
was meant to be. Deserted country road here I come.
Microphone.
Action. Vroom vroom.
