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This story was originally contributed to the Fantasy Archers topic of the Archers . Author's note: This is not intended to offend, but to be a lighthearted look at the nativity from the point of view of the casting of The Archers' Mystery Plays.

In those days there came a decree from Caesar Matteus that all were to pay tribute to him as landlord of Middle England. For this purpose everyone made his way to his own town, and Kenton went up to Borsetshire to register at the village of Archer, called Ambridge, because he was of the house of Archer by descent, though indeed the black sheep thereof. With him went Susan, who was betrothed to him. She was expecting a child, and approaching the time for its delivery.

Susan had known no man, and especially not Kenton, for he had not lain with any woman for 27 years, or so he had communicated to his affianced wife. But Kenton had a sister, Shula of the Centaurs, and she saw that this was but a fiction spun for the general populace: for Shula knew that Kenton, once a sailor on the high seas, was father to a girl child, who dwelt with her mother in the far country of Fourex. Shula had also seen that Kenton knew the strangely named Third Woman rather often, especially on the Sabbath. She kept these secrets in her heart, and pondered them.

This is the manner in which Susan learned that she was with child: she was observing her menial duties for Caesar Matteus in Ye Shew Home, when St Robert of the MCC, Patron Saint of Patient Husbands, appeared before her, saying, "Greetings most favoured one! God has been gracious to you; you shall conceive and bear a son, and he shall be the son of God."
Susan was deeply troubled, and furthermore indignant when she heard this proclamation. "Why do you come forth from the Great Mansion and accuse me thus? I have never known any man. I am a maiden still, and a good girl. I am." St Robert was greatly amused, replying that mayhap she thought she was a Fair Lady?

St Robert announced that her son would be King, and thus Susan acquiesced and replied, "I am the Lord's servant, so be it." Susan thought warm thoughts of God (in the earthly form of his Whirling Physician, Alan Franks; for whom Susan harboured a secret passion, especially when he addressed her thusly: "thee" and "thou", openly displaying his broad vowels). Susan pondered the fact that she would become mother of a great King, and was greatly satisfied that her high opinion of herself was shared by God and the saints.

On the eve of the great tribute, Ambridge was very full of people, and there was no room for Kenton and Susan at the inn. Nor was there an innkeeper, and the reason was explained thus by First Woman: "You may believe that you are poor, but we are so poor that we cannot even afford to employ an innkeeper, for this is the Chester cycle, and all know that we cannot presume to emulate the citizens of York, who even have God in theirs.

"Stable? We have no stable. We are so poor that we cannot afford a stable either. Ask Shula. She has many stables for her devoted centaurs; and such stables, why they even contain feather beds!"

Oliver the King of Ambridge Grange had overheard this exchange. Having been warned by Nigel, the least wise of the three visitors from the East, that the birth of a king was foretold in the stars, he noted Susan's interesting condition, and thought to have her close by him in order to deal more easily with the fruit of her womb. He therefore feigned generosity, and offered the use of a stable for the repose of the weary travellers.

Susan noted the well appointed house standing beside the stables and was unwilling to settle for the lesser accommodation: "Do you not know who the father of my child is?" demanded she. King Oliver, with amused tolerance, wickedly twirled his monstrous foxy moustache and replied, "No, my dear. Why, do you not know either?"

Kenton, not wishing to be further embarrassed by the verbosity of his betrothed, accepted King Oliver's offer. Thus it came to pass that in a stable, Susan commenced the first stage of labour. Kenton was sore afraid, and cried out, saying, "Is there a midwife in the town? For my wife is having a baby, and she maketh a dreadful racket."

Lo, there appeared a woman in peasant attire, with legs encased in mottled purple hose, saying, "Who calls there? I am a midwife. My name is Salome."

The labour was long, and a hard time she had of it. Salome called forth her sister midwife, Betty, and they watched over the birthing together. Kenton they sent away to the neighbouring stall. There he came upon three shepherds seated in the dark. "We are too soon," quoth the oldest, Joseph of Akeeperia, "for we came, the Christ child to greet. But the stall was empty. We remained here undecided. Now a woman makes a great wailing and gnashing of teeth. It is a sign that we should remain."

Kenton saw that they were four, and drew out his cards. "Let us play a hand of poker in order to while away the hours until her time is come," said he, lighting a candle.

The hours passed and the midwife Salome sat with the shepherds and also played poker, as the aged Bert slept soundly in the hay. Kenton saw that she was not good, and was pleasing to the eye. Thus the game became disrobe poker, and lo, in the corner Salome's clothes lay as leaves fallen from the trees, yeah, even unto the purple hose. Kenton, who was called Everett, assured her that such exposure was in the best possible taste.
Salome was sore afraid, for the frost was hard, and she appealed to the Lord for delivery from the lecherous wolf-whistling of one-eyed herdsman Mike. In answer to her prayer, was she straightway summoned by Betty to attend the lowly mother.

Finally, Susan brought forth her first-born son, and laid him in a manger, though the holy mother complained loudly that a manger was not good enough for her boy, for whom only a golden cradle would suffice. Kenton named him Jesus, though Susan opined that the name was rather Spanish-sounding.
Across the fields the astrologers from the East saw that the star they had followed from its rising now hovered over the stable of King Oliver of Ambridge Grange. Entering the stable, they saw the child with his mother Susan, and bowed to the ground in homage to him. Then they opened their treasures and offered him gifts: gold from Alistair Physician of the Centaurs, llama beans from Neville the Obscure and a hand-bodged crib from Nigel of All Trades. Susan was greatly pleased, especially when she saw the gold, and immediately demanded that a goldsmith be found to decorate the crib with gold.

After they had left, St Robert of the MCC appeared to Kenton in a dream, saying, "Rise up, take the boy and his mother and flee with them to Cambria, and stay there under the care of the Lord's servant Keri until I tell you; for Oliver is an evil man, and will commandeer the child." So Kenton rose from sleep, and taking mother and son by night, he went away with them unto Cambria. The little pony Bartleby carried his precious load safely on their way along the dusty road.

When King Oliver saw how he had been deceived, and his plan for kidnapping the boy had been thwarted, he fell into a passion, and gave orders for the capture of all children in Ambridge under the age of 10 years. "For," said he, "I seek a child for solace in my old age, and the unwashed masses have many;" and all the children of Ambridge were placed at Ambridge Grange under the stewardship of Caroline, the King's concubine. Caroline did smile uncertainly at them all, and offer them hummus and saffron, and she did wonder why this did not still their sobs.

So the words spoken by the prophet Julia were fulfilled: "A voice was heard in Ambridge, wailing and loud laments; it was Ruth weeping for her children, and refusing all consolation, and crying 'Oh, no!' "

The Devil Ryder, who was faithful servant to Caesar Matteus, observed these things with great satisfaction, and saw that it was good. He turned to smile at Daniel son of Shula, for in the almighty confusion Ryder had abducted Daniel for his own. Daniel was honoured to be so chosen by Caesar's house, and stepped willingly and unarmed into that den of thieves, or Property Developers as they preferred to be known.

Then it came to pass that all the inhabitants of Ambridge, led by God's Whirling Physician, Alan Franks, and Ululating Lynda, wife of St Robert of the MCC, did sing many fol-de-rols and fa-la-las, with Fallon daughter of First Woman playing instruments of strange foreign design.

And through the power of God, all the people of Middle England (and yeah, with a little help from the Devil Ryder's contraptions, even the Ends of the Earth) heard the singing and the playing of Ye Dramatick Version of Barwick Greene, and rejoiced that it was good.

Here endeth the story of the First Ambridge Christmas.