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A Foxbrush/Crawford Production

Starring:

Madonna as Elizabeth 1

Mel Gibson as John Brown

Alan Rickman as Sir Thomas More

Jonny Depp as Sir Walter Raleigh

George Clooney as Sir Francis Drake

with

Brad Pitt as Ed the peasant

Gwyneth Paltrow as Lady Caroline

A roade outside the village of Ambridge in the tyme of Queen Elizabeth 1. Elizabeth is caparisoned in splendour on a white palfrey, accompanied by members of the Court, musicians, jugglers, dancing bears and fire eaters.

Elizabeth: Halt! Tell me Sir Thomas More, whither do we journey on this beautiful morne in the seventh yeare of my longe and glorious reign as Virgin Monarch of Merrie Englande?

Sir Thomas More: Your Highness, prithee let me examine this mappe, which I have concealed within my doublet. Forsooth Madam, I believe we are journeying through Your Royal Highnesses demesne of Lower Borsetshire. Let me showe you ma'am, by following this road we have bypassed the hamlet of Felpershamme and are now by the grace of God approaching your Royal Hunting Grounds at Ambridge.

(as Elizabeth and Sir Thomas More peruse the mappe an arrow thuds into a nearby Englishe oake tree causing widespread consternation and alarme. John Brown, Elizabeth's faithful Scotche bodyguard, leaps from her side into a nearby bush and emerges moments later with a youthe.)

John Brown: Och Streuth your Highness, dinna fash yerself, I have the wee assassin weel under ma control.

Ed: Getcha hands off me right. I nevva tried to assassinate no one right? I was just out gettin' a rabbit for the pot right. I have a famlee to support.

John Brown: Dinna ye ken who this lady is? Kneel!

(Elizabeth throws back her cloak hoode and her glorious auburn hair ripples voluminously down her back. Ed gapes in amazement as realisation dawns. He slowly removes his feathered peasants cap, then, with a single sweepe of his arme, tears off his rough sacking jacket to reveal a tight, white jerkin beneath. Their eyes meete momentarily.)

Elizabeth: Jahhn! Do not hurt him. He meant no harm. And moreover, he amuses me, somewhat. Come closer boy. Tell me your name?

Ed: I am Ed, your majesty, Ed Grundy, your humble subject.

Elizabeth: Arise Ed Grundy, woulde that all my citizens were as comely. But harke! A horseman approaches! Why, it is Sir Walter Raleigh, fresh from his explorations in my American colony, perhaps he has news of my wonderful new lande of freedom enterprise and opportunity. Greetings Sir Walter.

Sir Walter: Your Majesty. As I sailed the seven seas on board my shippe the Golden Fleece, I dreamed for many nights of our reunion, I have wonderful tales to tell you of my adventures, the riches I have found, the new and amusing foodstuffs I have discovered, the giftes and riches I have brought back for you.

Parrot: back for you.

(gaspes of amazement)

Elizabeth: Prithee Sir Walter! What matter of creature have thee there upon your shoulder, next to your pearl studded ear, beneath your darkly tangled and matted, but strangely attractive, hair?

Sir Walter: It is one of the giftes of which I speake your majesty, a breeding pair of talking birdes of uncommon beauty, sadly one of the pair has unslipped its leashe and escaped. Here, you boy, hold the remaining creature firmly, under pain of death and excommunication.

(Ed holds the parrot nervously)

Elizabeth: Sir Walter, I thanke you for this gifte, and look forward to hearing your tales at oure merrie feaste tonight. But firste, we muste arrange our accomodations. Ed Grundy. You are a local boye tell me where my courte may feast and sleepe tonight.

Ed: Your Majesty, I would be happye to welcome you to my humble shacke, but I feare there is naught there for a fine laydee, if you would honour us we would find you honest local cheese and bread to eat and rough cyder to drink.

Elizabeth: Your Monarche thanks ye humble Ed Grundy. But although you have the pecs of a god and we have the heart of king, and an English King at that, we have the stomache of a woman and so decline your offer. Lady Caroline, step forward. What news of our accomodations do YOU have for us?

Lady Caroline: Your Majesty's Royalle Bedde Assemblers, Brian de Aldridge and Matt de Crawford, have already taken your bedde to Ye Ambridge Halle to be prepared for you. The owners of the Halle are presently slaughtering their beastes and preparing a veritable cornucopia of culinary delight. I have instructed them that since it is the 17th of the monthe an ensuite bathe strewn with herbes should also be available. Goodewife de Snell, I am assured is a herballist of local reknowne.

Elizabeth: Enough chattering and scene stealing Lady Caroline, you may leave now to ensure a service fit for Royalty in this humble place. Sir Francis Drake, approach!

Sir Francis Drake: Your Majesty?

Elizabeth: What preparations have you made for my entertainment this daye?

Sir Francis Drake: Your Highness. After the hunte, we will repair to the village greene for a light luncheon prepared by Mistress de Aldridge. Then I have arranged a gentlemen v players bowles match. At dusk a beacon will be lit on Lakey Hill as we wend our way to Ye Ambridge Halle where we will enjoy the finest local comestibles and locally produced wine accompanied by the Consorte of Merrie Englande playing simple tunes on ridiculous instruments. There will also be dancing, led by dance master Tucker.

Elizabeth: Excellent Sir Francis. (to camera) In God's truth what an extraordinary place this Village of Ambridge is to be sure. A perfect setting for corporate events, combining fine dining experiences, relaxation and entertainment in top class accommodation. All within easy reach of major transport links.

(she turns to the assembled masses)

Musicians! Play on!

(the jugglers, fire eaters etc break into cheers and applause. The music starts, and, with a wave of her hand Elizabeth leads the cavalcade onwards.)

More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon



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