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Lovers of the No 1 Ladies Detective Agency stories will recognise the style of this tale, contributed to the Fantasy Archers topic on the .

Mma Peggeewoollee sat on the stoep of the Lodge on a warm summer evening, sipping the favourite local beverage - a nice cup of tea - and surveying the village of Ambridge spread out before her like the picture on a box of chocolates. Not that she could see all the village, oh no. This Mma Peggeewoollee considered most fortuitous, for she was spared the site of the council estates, the new housing development, the burnt out police house and other such nastiness.

It was a sultry evening and a cloud of gnats hovered in the air. However, they did not bother Mma Peggeewoollee. She would not be bitten to pieces like other less fortunate mortals, and this she attributed to her daily habit of having for breakfast each morning a lightly toasted slice of wholemeal bread generously spread with Marmite. It was a fact well known to Mma Peggeewoollee that gnats did not like Marmite and she had often considered writing to one of those glossy magazines and sharing her wisdom with a larger public. Of course, now that she employed a secretary she rather thought she would dictate the letter tomorrow.

Mma Peggeewoollee's new secretary, Mma Jilleearcher had undoubtedly been a find. She may not have the faster typing speeds of a younger woman, but she had gained 97 per cent in her casserole making class - a hitherto unheard of event! Besides, Mma Peggeewoollee had no wish to employ a modern young thing and Mma Jilleearcher was a contemporary of Mma Peggeewoollee and they thought alike on most subjects. Except lady vicars. And private educations. And homosexuality. Mma Peggeewoollee was on the whole, willing to overlook these slight lapses, as she was sure that her eloquence would sooner or later persuade Mme Jilleearcher to see the error of her ways.

Mma Peggeewoollee knew that many considered her a very lucky individual, but she knew that luck had little to do with it. Her standing in the village was due to hard work and inflexible, upright moral code, which she had inherited from her mother, Mummy Perkins. She had arrived in Ambridge as a land girl and, although very popular with many passing American GIs, her choice had fallen upon the eldest son of a well-to-do local farmer. Too late she realised her mistake, for Rra Jackeearcher had no taste for farming. His ambition was to run the local hostelry, and Mma Peggeewoollee soon discovered why. Undeterred she had, several times, sent him to dry out at a clinic in Scotland, whilst she had taken over the running of The Bull, ruling from behind the bar with a rod of iron and making such a success of it, that she was later able to sell for a very tidy sum indeed.

Still, life with Rra Jackeearcher, had not been all bad and he had given her social status, through his connections with the most prominent family in the village, and also three lovely children. To be sure, the had caused her much embarrassment and disappointment; Jennifer with her illegitimate baby had mortified Mummy Perkins, but finally the girl had seen sense and married a wealthy man. Then Lilian had been such a nice, normal little girl with her passion for horses, who had made a good match to a rich man, but look at her now. Face stretched back so that her mouth was set in a permanent rictus of a smile and flaunting herself with that dreadfully common Rra Matteecrawford - and him a married man who should have known better too. Lastly Tony, such a placid child - such a shame he had grown into a surly, miserable man with a huge chip on his shoulder because his two sisters were richer than him.

No using crying over spilt milk, at least she had eight wonderful grandchildren, even if she rarely saw James, and Debbie had upped and gone to France. Mma Peggeewoollee knew that she would soon find out that it was no fun living amongst foreigners and come back home. On the other hand, it was much better that Kate remained in South Africa. Mma Peggeewoollee shed a small tear as she thought of John, but then was filled with pride as she reflected on how bravely Tommy had filled his brother's shoes. She still remembered him coming, cap in hand as the expression is, to beg her to finance his sausage factory, and she felt the warm glow of satisfaction at the deal she had made with him.

She refused to think about Adam. That a grandson of hers ... Mma Peggeewoollee shuddered and buried this thought deep with other things which she had no wish to think about. Alice was turning out very well, a little spoiled maybe, but nothing which Mma Peggeewoollee could not put right if needs be. That left Helen. It was most unfortunate about her young man, but Mma Peggeewoollee had never really liked him, especially after his behaviour to her after the shooting of the current husband Mr. J. A. K. Woollee (of the Grey Gables Speedy Hotel and Country Club). No, she did no wish one word of what she had said to him unsaid.

In a way, it was the shooting of Mr. J. A. K. Woollee that had started Mma Peggeewoollee latest enterprise. After his accident he had become increasingly forgetful and was continuously losing things and it had fallen to Mma Peggeewoollee to remind him of events and to find his lost property. One day he had remarked to her, "Mma Peggeewoollee, you are so clever at remembering and so good at finding things that you should set up a detective agency."

And that is just what she had done. Now, after solving her first case, Mma Peggeewoollee was looking forward to sorting out the problems of the whole village, and perhaps extending her business as far as Borchester or Felpersham.
The case of young Jamie Perks' mysterious obesity had been very simple really. The solution had come to Mma Peggeewoollee in a sudden flash of inspiration one afternoon, as she sat partaking of a nice cup of tea and a slice of lemon drizzle cake with her secretary, Mma Jilleearcher. Nobody was giving the boy extra food - it was all glandular, and she at once suggested to Mma Katheeperks that she make an appointment with the doctor, just as soon as she could find one.

Mma Peggeewoollee sighed contentedly as she looked around her garden, and especially at the newly planted pumpkin patch, which now replaced Higgs' gladioli bed. All of a sudden, she was startled out of her reverie by the arrival of two unexpected visitors. She stood up and gave them the traditional formal greeting in Ambridge: "Hello you two. Whatever are you doing here?"

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