大象传媒

Dangerous Liaisons
by Becky Edwards

"Caroline, my sweet, what a pleasant surprise. I was just watching a shrew in the grain store, and thinking of you..."

"Yes, very amusing Brian. Don't tell me you were actually doing some farming? That must have been a shock to the system."

"Oh, I've done ever so much in the past couple of months, since Debbie left. I can't tell you how awful it's been."

"Ah, but you have the consolation of being rid of the whining girl, and having a delightful, fit young man like Adam to help you now..."

"He wouldn't be interested, my dear, sorry."

"Oh, I know darling, I was thinking of you. Anyhow, Oliver's gone to the market, and I had a few hours to kill, so I thought I'd pop by and see how my favourite land manager was getting on."

"I really don't know how you can bear living with that fool, Caro."

"Now, now, Brian. He's very sweet. And he takes me to the opera, and never complains about the number of shoes I own, so what more could a woman want?"

"Well, I think you could do better. By the way, how is young William?"

"Oh, Brian, it's so tiresome. After I set him up with a flat, and a car, and God knows what, and he goes and gets engaged to that young drip of a girl. You should hear them, my dear, it's enough to make you vomit. I fear my hopes of turning him into a thoroughly disreputable young man have been cruelly dashed."

"Yes, she is a sweet young thing, though"

"Not a chance, Brian."

"Is that a challenge?"

"No, I've grown rather tired of our challenges, since, well, you know, the one you took rather too seriously . Really, I know she was quite an easy one to crack, being so vulnerable and lonely, but you took your duties a little too far on this occasion, my flower. I hear you've been seen mooning over photos of her and the little one. Is it love?"

"None of your business. And anyway, who told you that?"

"Ahh, I have spies everywhere. You should know that. An amusingly sharp response there, by the way."

"Well, your spies haven't been doing too well at the stables recently, have they?"

"That's not funny, Brian. I loved that horse, I really did."

"Yes, more than any man, I'd say. Well, much as I delight to hear your loving tones, I can't stand here all day. I have tiresome agricultural activities to engage in. Trot off back to Mr Sterling then, there's a good girl."

"Goodbye, Brian. See you next week....if I get a spare five minutes, and I haven't got anything more interesting to do, like labelling my jam jars.
Regards to Jenny."

More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon