1:
And it came to pass in the time of Vanessa Augusta, in the land of Am, the scribes went forth and set down on wax tablets the parable of the Poor Man with Two Sons.
Then was fulfilled that which was spoken by Jethro the prophet, saying:
In Am was there a voice heard, lamentation, and weeping, and great mourning, Clarrie weeping for her children, and would not be comforted, because they are ninnies. Oi told her not to marry that useless rascal.
2:
There was a poor man who had two sons. The elder was a keeper of the birds of the air, and the younger of the beasts of the field, and no love befitting unto brothers lay between them.
The younger of them said to his father, "Father give me the share of that property that will belong to me." But his father said "sorry son, verrily that amounteth not to a hill of beans. Thy birthright is lost unto a rich man. Takest thou this gnome that whistleth, and jar of apple wine, and troublest thou thy father no more".
And his mother, seeing this did not sit well with her son, bought him a coat of finest animal skins, and bid him be of good cheer, but the young man was not appeased, and in the fullness of time grew wroth in his heart against his parents.
So the young man said unto himself, "If my birthright is lost, and the house of my fathers become the domain of another man, a better bet he looketh. Then shall I unto this man, and bow down, and ask that I may serve him."
And he betook himself unto the Rich Man in his olive groves, and tended his herds, and the Rich Man looked upon him, and was pleased.
3:
Then it came to pass the young man's brother cast about, and his eye fell with favour on a virgin of that land, and he determined to take her to wife.
And the young man saw this and knew even greater anger in his heart against his brother, for the young woman was comely in his eyes also, and he looked on the woman and felt lust in his heart.
And he said unto himself, "Wherefore should my brother enjoy this woman, and I may not? 'Snot fair".
And he donned shining garments of white, and when she was alco-popped at the feast for her approaching wedding, went in unto his brother's espoused wife, and knew her (but not nearly as well as he ought to have done, which mighteth have saved a heap of trouble later).
And after she had lain with both the brothers, the young woman conceived, and knew herself to be with child, but the father she knew not.
And she hardened her heart against the young man, and said unto him, "Thou didst turn my head with thy fine white apparel and breezy bacardies, but thy brother's espoused I was, and his espoused I remain."
And the young man's countenance fell, and he did depart that country, and hired himself to the rich man's friends, and sojourned long from his home.
But always he senteth post cards and remebereth his mother's birthday, so no-one was really fussed.
4:
Then the time came for him to return unto his own land, so he took for himself a concubine from amongst the tribe of the Hotties, and bethought himself that would show them a thing or two when he got back unto his father's house.
And great with child was his brother's wife when he returned, and beyond labouring long amidst the tables at Jaxx.
And she rejoiced that the young man was come again to his home, but in his flat-tummed concubine she rejoiced not, nor that the overseer at Jaxx, seeing the young woman's time was near, hired the concubine, and that the people looked upon her flat tum and were pleased.
And with mankwold and harsh words she did beset the concubine, saying, "Why dost thou not clear up coffee cups as thou art hired to, instead of idling thy hours wiggling thy belly ring before my husband's brother?"
And at last the concubine tired of the land to which the young man had brought her, and its people, and said, "What-ev-er", and returned unto the land of her own peoples.
And the young woman was glad in her heart.
And at last the days were accomplished when she should be delivered of her child, her firstborn, and she wrapped him tightly in white swaddling clothes, and pondered who that reminded her of.
5:
But the young man grieved at the loss of his concubine and her belly ring, and betook himself unto the rich man once more, and asked for gold that he might depart the land of his fathers and journey afar, unto Godzone land, following his star where it might take him.
And the rich man gave him gold, and said, "Here, take these talents, go thy ways in peace, and pay me when thou comst again". And the young man prepared to go his ways.
But his brother's wife came unto him and said, "Wherefore is this I hear? Thou wouldst go thy ways, while I must stay in thy brother's casa?
Stay thy foot, or if thou must depart this land, whither thou goest, I go, and thy people shall be my people (well, except thy brother, who I've had quite enough of, and your interfering mother, and your smelly old father and grandfather, and the gnomes)".
Then she took her child and presented him unto the young man, and said, "Behold, thy son".
And the young man fell to the ground amazed, and said, "Can this be? The child is mine?"
And in his heart he rejoiced, for he loved his brother's wife still, and even if he had bothereth not to turn up for his GCSE's, he could addeth up, and had thought as much.
And the young woman turned her face against her husband, and gathered up her halter tops and clubbing pants of costliest samite and lurex, and prepared to flee the wroth of her husband. And Ed took the child and his mother, and fled.
Here endeth the First book of Ed.
:
The Book of Grundy by Anne Marie Hawkins:
"...And Grundy spake soft words unto his wife, saying, How beautiful are thy feet, O Larkin's daughter. Unto thee I give, as a token of my love, a mooning concrete Santa..."
More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon
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Today's reading is taken from the Fantasy Archers topic of .
