大象传媒

"Listen-someone's coming!" said Kenton. "Hide behind these gorse bushes." David peeped out cautiously. "I say!" he whispered "It's that queer-looking common boy again, Edward Grundy. What can he be doing up here?"

Edward stopped very close to the chums, looked around, then bent down and began fumbling among the rocks. There was a grating sound, and when David peeped out again, Edward had disappeared. "Golly!" cried Kenton "I'll bet this slab covers a secret entrance to the catacombs which riddle this hillside! Give me a hand, David!"

The slab moved aside to reveal the entrance to a dark tunnel.
"Good thing I've got my torch" said David "Now, Kenton, you stay so you can raise the alarm and bring along three burly policemen to rescue us just when we seem hopelessly trapped. Come on girls, follow me!" said the mature determined boy. Shula shivered-not another adventure!

The three children seem to have walked for miles through dark, spooky tunnels, when they suddenly found themselves in an enormous, glittering cavern. David flashed his torch around and gave a sudden exclamation.
"There's something moving!" he gasped. There was a joyful yelp, and Lizzy bounded across the cave, almost knocking Denny over, and covering her face with licks. Nigel was beside her, wagging his tail furiously.
"Oh Lizzy!" cried Denny through tears of joy. "Let's get out of these horrid catacombs and back to Home Farm!"

"Not so farst, li'l mistress" said a throaty voice behind them. It was the sinister gypsy fellow, and beside him, queer, common Edward Grundy.
"Oi ****ing told ya as them ****ing posh kids would 'ave one o' they ****ing adventures and find the 'ounds, dinnoi, Grandad?" said the boy.
Grandad! Why, of course, without the hat pulled over his eyes the children could see the sinister fellow was none other than old Joe Grundy, Mrs. Grundy's father-in-law.
"You'll not get away with this!" cried Denny. "Everyone in Ambridge knows about your shady deals!" But as she spoke shadowy figures detached themselves from the cave walls, gripped the children roughly, and tied them up.

"We'll see if 'ee be so bold after a few days down 'ere without lashings of ginger beer!" cackled Grundy as he disappeared into the labyrinth with his mysterious accomplices.
"Sleep well, yer ****ing toffs!" sneered Edward, pronouncing his asterisks with a strong Borsetshire accent.

"Well, it's a good thing that we never have to go to the toilet like other people!" said Denny.
"Yes, and it's a good thing I'm a proper little housewife and have packed a few provisions!" aded Shula, wriggling out of her bonds. Soon the little girl had laid out a delicious picnic-sweet juicy pears, splendid home cured ham, a slab of chocolate, roast sucking pig, and Gateau Paris-Brest St. Honor茅.
"Now eat up, you must be hungry!"
"Rather!" chorused the others.

Suddenly there was a commotion in the passage, and the light of torches flooded the cavern. Kenton burst in, leading three burly policemen, who were marching along the Grundy gang and gunpoint.
"Bah, you got me bang to rights!" growled the villain.
"Well done Famous Five!" said Inspector Tregorran. "We've been searching for these crooks for years. Joe Grundy and his gang are a band of desperate Methodists from Little Croxley. Their plan was to steal Lizzy and Nigel and breed valuable Borsetshire Gussethound pups, wait til the hue and cry had died down, and sell them on the black market. They were going to use the spoils to supply Bibles and schoolbooks to their missionaries abroad."

"Educating Johnny Foreigner! What a dastardly plot!" ejaculated David.
"I'll say!" replied the Inspector, admiring the boy's strong, resolute countenance.
"Who knows what would happen if foreigners weren't kept in their place? But thanks to your help the Methodist gang will be practising their hymns behind bars for many, many years!"

***

"So you see, Mrs. Antrobus" explained Denny back at Home Farm, "Edward Grundy must have tipped off Joe and the gang that we had a breeding pair of Gussethounds." Mrs. Antrobus stroked Nigel's silky ears.
"All's well that ends well children." she replied. "Look, I've brought you a little present - an album of Famous Fornicators. You'll get the cards in packets of tea at the village shop-here are a few to start you off: Henry VIII, Cecil Parkinson and Edwina Currie."
"Oh thank you!" chorused the children.

Just then, a bellow of rage came from the lab and Uncle Brian burst though the door.
"Nine months work down the drain!" he roared. "I shall have to begin my experiments all over again!"
"Can't Mrs. Hathaway help you, Darling?" asked Aunt Jenny.
"Mother, I've just seen Mrs. Hathaway driving away" said Denny. "I think she must have been working awfully hard for father already, because she's lost such a lot of weight!"
"Yes," said Shula "and she had the dearest little baby with her-a little brown baby!"
"But Mrs. Hathaway doesn't have a baby!" said Aunt Jenny.
"Well, she does now." replied Shula, "and she says he's called Lucas, after his father."

"Oh well!" Uncle Brian smiled ruefully. "I suppose I'll just have to start again, but I'll need some help. Could you spare Clarrie from the kitchen, Jenny darling?"

More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon

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