 |  |
|
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
Parodies |
 |
|
|
|
 |
|
Harry Potter and the Worm of Ambridge - part 4 (finale)
by lantana2
 The final part of the epic mingling of Harry Potter and The Archers, from the Fantasy Archers topic of .
At Grey Gables, Professor Snape has just saved Alice from certain death at the hands of Bellatrix Lestrange, observed by Harry under cover of his invisibity cloak.
Snape picked up the unconscious Bellatrix and hid her unceremoniously in a clump of rhododendrons. He turned back to Alice, who was pale and gaping.
"That woman…she…you…you're …you're not…you're not from the RAF, are you? Is this some sort of initiative test?"
"No, my dear. Obliviate!"
Alice's face blanked, and she looked at Snape in bewilderment.
"What happened? Who are you?"
"Hello, everything alright?" It was Robert Snell. "Oh, hello, Father Jessup. Didn't expect to see you here. I was looking for Miss del Monte."
"Miss del Monte", said Snape, "is, I believe, having a little lie-down. I'm pleased to see you, Mr Snell. Firstly, you left your wallet in The Bull. I offered to pop it over here. Gave me the opportunity to borrow Rev Franks' motorcycle. I've never ridden a Harley. Always considered them rather an ego-trip, you know, but perhaps I was wrong." Listening, Harry thought of Sirius, and bit his lip. "Secondly", continued Snape, "I am rather concerned about this young lady. We were talking a moment ago and she suddenly seemed to become rather dazed and confused."
"I… I'm alright", said Alice. "Just a bit muzzy".
"Nevertheless", continued Snape smoothly, "I do not feel she should drive herself home. If you are returning to Ambridge, Mr Snell, perhaps you could…?"
"Yes, yes, of course. Probably too much celebrating of those results, eh, Alice? Come on, I'll take you back to Honeysuckle. And thanks for the wallet, Father Jessup, not like me to do something like that."
He and Alice walked slowly towards the car park.
"You bastard, Severus Snape. You absolute… You stopped me dealing with that Muggle, you Stupified me!"
Bellatrix Lestrange had obviously come round and was clambering out of the rhododendrons, cursing Snape and looking wildly about for her wand.
"Evaparo. You did rather overdo the Amorentia, Bella; subtlety is the key in Potions as in other things. Your wand, by the way, is in those petunias", said Snape, sounding mildly amused. "As to my actions, perhaps you would have preferred me to let you go ahead. Perhaps you would, even now, like to be discussing your actions with Aurors who would certainly have arrived in numbers once the Ministry were alerted to the killing of a defenceless Muggle. Would that have pleased your Master, Bella? You should be grateful to me that you are not now being sent to Azkaban."
"Don't talk to me like that, Snape", hissed Bellatrix. "I know the Dark Lord has not sent you here. You're on some mission for that Muggle-loving old fool, Dumbledore, aren't you?".
"So the Muggle-loving old fool believes", said Snape softly. Inside the Invisibility Cloak, Harry's fists clenched. "Fortunately, I have been able to… arrange matters so that I am free to use that mission to assist the Dark Lord. Although he has not sent me, I still seek to serve him."
Anger was rising in Harry. He had been right, he had always know he was right, but now, he had real proof.
"But you, Bella, you have not been sent either, I believe", continued Snape. "What?", thought Harry. "You, Bella, have come to redeem your family's good name. You have taken a time-turner from the Carrows, and come to find Nagini. A dangerous undertaking should you fail. Fortunately, I am able and willing to assist. Your Occlumency is sadly rusty, by the way".
Bellatrix gave a resigned shrug. "What does the Master Spy suggest?", she asked.
"For the moment, that you return to your room; your absence is disturbing the Muggles. You have done well", he gave Bella a little bow, "in telling them that you are the true owner of the snake. You are best to stay here, where they can bring you news, while I seek about. Together we will bring Nagini to the Dark Lord. And Bella - leave the Muggles alone, now is not the time to deal with them."
Bella hesitated for the moment, clearly not sure whether or not to trust Snape. Then she turned on her heel and walked back inside the hotel.
Snape stood for a few moments, deep in thought. Harry wondered what to do - stay with Bellatrix or go with Snape. At that moment, Harry heard a car door slam and two people approached. Snape stepped back into the shadows. It was the young woman, Brenda, who had talked to Harry about magic, and the man who was her boss. "Nuisance, Chalkman wanting to talk some more", the man was saying. "See if you can work out what it's about, Brenda". "Fine", said Brenda. "If we're going to be staying long, perhaps we'll see that show, you know, the one I was telling you about, the boy in the cloak who was pretending to be invisible".
Harry's heart plunged somewhere a long way beneath his feet. Brenda and her boss disappeared through the doorway.
"Potter", said Snape, very quietly. "Potter, show yourself". Harry hesitated. Should he make a run for it? No, he would have to face it sooner or later. He pulled off the cloak and walked up to Snape.
Snape's voice was like the tearing of silk. "Potter", he said again. "As you know, Potter, I have had the memorable experience of being at school with your late lamented father. I believed then that I had encountered the epitome of arrogant stupidity, reckless bravado and a total disregard for the consequences of actions. It seems that for once, I was wrong. Those qualities were but in bud and have come to full flower in yourself. Does it perchance trouble you that Madam Antrobus, an elderly witch, must now be full of concern at your whereabouts? Or that Nymphadora Tonks has left her duties guarding your fellow students on a wild goose-chase? Or that Professor Dumbledore himself is wondering why you have not returned? Or that you have risked discovery by Muggles, endangering this whole mission and much more besides? No - not of enough interest to the Chosen One perhaps? Perhaps in some dim recess of your mind you remember the Headmaster instructing you to obey me? Or my own explicit instructions that you were to return to Hogwarts immediately? Too tedious to recollect? What were you thinking of, Potter?"
Snape moved close to Harry, and the opaque black eyes searched Harry's own. Harry knew he could not stop this. All his suspicions of Snape, his certainty that Snape was a traitor were all there, waiting to be read.
"I see", said Snape. He looked into Harry's eyes for a moment longer, then turned away. "Right," thought Harry. "It's true, You can't face me, can you, traitor?"
"There is" began Snape, "something that Professor Dumbledore felt… something I should perhaps tell… you should understand… I once - "
He broke off. Robert Snell was hurrying towards them. "Hello, you two", he called. "Is Miss Del Monte about? We've found the Wyrm!"
"The snake is in your house?" Snape repeated.
"Yes, curled up in one of the beds", replied Robert Snell. "It gave my wife a very nasty turn".
"Miss del Monte went into the hotel a little while ago", said Snape. " I am sure she will be delighted to hear that her snake is alive and well. If you will excuse us, we really must be getting back".
As Robert Snell went into the hotel, Harry stared at Snape. "You're going to let him tell Lestrange? Can't you Confund him or something?"
"I am sure by now that a number of people will know that 'Bertie' has been found", replied Snape. "A complete deception of Bellatrix would be too dangerous. We must act quickly. I have jinxed Mr Snell's car, so there will be a short delay before dear Bella catches up with us. Take my arm again, Potter. We are going to apparate".
Unwillingly, but unable to think of anything else to do, Harry took Snape's arm and after the usual few seconds of unpleasantness found himself outside a Georgian house displaying the sign 'Ambridge Hall - B&B for the Truly Discerning Client.'
Lynda Snell was standing outside, looking anxiously down the road.
"Mrs Snell?" said Snape. " I am Father Jessup, this is my son, Harry". Harry gritted his teeth. "I don't know whether your husband mentioned my being in Ambridge?"
"Oh yes, yes he did", replied Lynda. "You find me at rather a disadvantage, I'm afraid." She related how she had found the snake whilst making the bed. "A terrible shock as you can imagine", she continued. "The unfortunate thing is that my most recent guest left this morning. He was a most charming and erudite man, and an expert on snakes. He would have known what to do, I'm sure"
"Really?" said Snape. "That is unfortunate. However, I myself kept snakes as a boy. I don't profess to be an expert, but perhaps I could keep an eye on the creature for you?"
"That is most kind", said Lynda. "I'll show you the room, but I'm sure you will forgive me if I don't come right in."
The sunny bedroom was elegantly decorated in shades of green and blue; a double bed, half-made, stood by a window. Coiled in the middle, tongue flickering, golden eyes gleaming, was Nagini.
"Keep back, Potter", instructed Snape. "Nagini can and will kill. Stay behind me at all times. Speak to the creature, command her to stay as she is. I will perform a charm".
"Nagini", began Harry, in the hissing sibilants of Parseltongue, "I er… I command - "
"Hello again, amigo" said Nagini.
"What?" said Harry.
"Don't say you don't remember me, amigo, I'd know that scar anywhere - London Zoo, about six years ago, I was the big guy in a cage, you were with a fat kid and a skinny ratty one; we had a quick chat, which is pretty rare, I can tell you, and I set off for Brazil. Never got there though - one look at the traffic outside Regent's Park and I slithered back to my cage sharpish. Not a bad life inside once you're used to it".
"You're not Nagini" said Harry flatly. He didn't seem to able to take in what was being said.
"Got it in one, kid. No idea who or what Nagini is - b stupid name though. I was sat in the zoo, minding my own business one night, cage broken open, I'm stuck in a bag, next thing I know I'm in some dump of a hotel, with all me markings altered. Geezer who nabbed me is off without a by your leave and I'm stuck."
But who brought you ?" Harry asked.
"Dunno. Some bloke." replied the snake. "Old tramp. Stank of filthy pipe smoke something rotten. Are you going to shift me now? This is a decent gaff you know. And shouldn't you tell your mate there what's going on?"
Harry turned and saw Snape tense and puzzled, ready to strike with his wand.
"Er, there's something you should know... sir", said Harry. He explained how he had met the snake at London Zoo on that birthday trip with the Dursleys which now seemed so long ago, and told Snape what the snake had said. "A tramp who steals and who stinks of tobacco", said Harry.
"Mundungus Fletcher", said Harry and Snape together. They eyed each other warily.
"But why would Mundungus Fletcher use a time-turner to bring a snake to Ambridge and pretend it's Nagini?" asked Harry in bewilderment. "Even if it's a plot, it would be a pretty daft one, wouldn't it? Sort of pointless?"
"Ah, summer in Ambridge", said Snape softly. "How could I forget it? Nonetheless- we had better delve further. Ask this creature about the Carrows - and quickly!"
"Oddball little couple, squat looking? Yeah, I've met them, I'll get to them in a sec. Thing was", the snake continued, "like I say I'd been dumped in this big gaff. Lots of frills and falderoyes, could have done with a bit more elbow grease around the place, know what I mean? Anyway, I'm having a shifty downstairs for a bite to squeeze, come across a party at a table, lots to eat, and you could float away on the smell of the gin. Next thing I know, some old geezer's spotted me, and some spotty oik is searching high and low for me. Off I scarper, take in a couple of bunnies, and lie low in a big quiet building, very nice in the sun it was, next thing I know it's full of people and screaming. I'm off again, and then the two weirdos nab me, bring me here. Best place yet, but thing is though, they apparently want to take me off to some kid. As if I don't get enough of the little bleeders wiping their fingers and noses on me cage every day. Next thing is, through the window comes this white cat, well not a cat exactly, cos we can talk, he creates a ruckus, over goes a wine glass, out through the window I go."
"But you hurt him", protested Harry, "you bit him and he had to be put down."
"Nah," replied the snake. "This cat-thing, Mr Snowy, and me, we got back to the churchyard. Next thing we know, this little skanky cat's jumped out at us, well it was a long time since I'd digested those bunnies, and, sorry, I went for it. Mr Snowy tried to get it out of me way and bit it. Seems though that the poor little critter wasn't going to make it anyway."
"Potter", Snape's voice broke in, "much as I hate to interrupt, we must expect Bellatrix soon. Would you please enlighten me as to what has been happening."
Hastily, Harry translated the snake's story, making sure he mentioned the spilled wine, and that the Muggle vet, Alastair, had been correct about the cat bite.
"Almost correct, Potter, since the creature was a Kneazle", said Snape. "I should however have known a member of that clan, even by marriage, would have to have been right. I imagine this gives you great satisfaction, Potter".
"No, sir", lied Harry.
"Alright if I go on?" asked the snake. "Mr Snowy went off, to report he said. I hung around, shed a skin, as you do, amused meself giving a couple of old girls a fright. I was just dozing in the sun when this polite old geezer, white beard, natty dresser, speaks the lingo, turns up, brings me back here, very pleased about that I was, and tells me what to expect in the next day or two. Which includes you and your mate here turning up, I might add".
Very puzzled, Harry translated for Snape. The latter frowned, tapping his wand irritably on the window sill. Finally, he sighed and turned back to Harry.
"When Bellatrix Lestrange arrives, there will be no harm in allowing her to take this creature", he said. "She will eventually leave it near Home Farm - have no fear, Potter, it will be safely collected - and she will return to the Dark Lord believing she has done him a great favour. Poor Bella."
At that moment, voices could be heard below. "Nice to have met you again", whispered Harry to the snake and wrapped himself in the cloak. He heard Snape greeting Bellatrix and Robert Snell.
"Not at all, it was a great pleasure to be of some small assistance", Harry could hear Snape saying. Bellatrix was looking with anxious triumph at the snake. "Miss del Monte", said Snape, "it has been a... ahem… charming experience to meet your snake. I don't think he will cause you further problems, and no doubt you will be taking him away for his next... appearance." Bellatrix smiled and moved towards the snake. "Bertie, you naughty boy", she said, heaving the boa into her arms. It nestled into her and winked at Harry, as he slipped from the room under cover of the cloak. He could hear Snape making his farewells, explaining parish business called him, and then he appeared beside Harry on the landing.
"The Laurels and then home, Potter", Snape said briskly. "And then, I think, a little discussion with the Headmaster."
Snape looked grim and Harry's heart sank.
***
Albus Dumbledore stood, invisible to the nearby gaggle of Muggles, outside Ambridge Hall. Bellatrix Lestrange, looking suitably exotic and with 'Bertie' draped seductively around her shoulders, was posing for photographers. Beside her stood Lynda Snell, who was distinctly disapproving and uncomfortable.
Dumbledore was sure that Bellatrix was too triumphant to be over-concerned with Muggles at present, but he would keep an eye on her until she left Ambridge. He wouldn't want anyone harmed, particularly Mrs Snell, whose excellent B&B facilities he had very much enjoyed. Dumbledore wondered for a moment whether Hagrid would enjoy keeping llamas, but decided that they were better left as they were rather than being crossed with a Blast-Ended Skrewt.
Dumbledore sighed. It wasn't that his plan had been totally unsuccessful. Mundungus had been reliable for once; three Death-Eaters had been distracted with a futile mission and would no doubt suffer the displeasure of He Who Can Not Be Spelled; he himself had enjoyed first-rate organic bacon and eggs. But Harry and Severus... Dumbledore thought back to the debriefing meetings he had recently had with both on their return to Hogwarts….
"I do believe, Harry, that an apology to Madam Antrobus and Nymphadora might be in order."
"I suppose Snape's told you all about that. And the Polyjuice."
"Actually, Harry, while Professor Snape has listed the number of points to be deducted from Gryffindor due to your insolence, as he terms it, he has not mentioned the Invisibility Cloak incident at all. I, of course, learned of it through Nymphadora. I'm afraid I don't understand the Polyjuice reference - Professor Snape said nothing on that subject either".
"Oh, right, look, I'm sorry sir, I really didn't mean to worry anyone, but I did hear Snape talking to Lestrange. He told her that he sought only to serve the Dark Lord!"
"That is of course, exactly what I would expect Professor Snape to have told her, Harry." Dumbledore hesitated for a moment, then continued, "Harry, was there anything, anything which caused you to feel more sympathetically to Professor Snape, nothing different…?"
Harry hesitated too. Should he tell Dumbledore about those times Snape had behaved so oddly - the picture of the red-haired woman, the doe, that row on the way back from Home Farm, the time outside Grey Gables when he seemed to be trying to tell Harry something? No, Dumbledore trusted Snape and Harry telling Dumbledore that Snape appeared to be losing it wasn't going to change that. And in a sort of way, Harry owed Snape over the Cloak and the Polyjuice. He shook his head...
Carefully watching a reporter interview Bellatrix, Dumbledore sighed again. He had fared no better with Severus…
"…completely arrogant, insolent, the image of his father…"
"And what of his mother, Severus?", Dumbledore had enquired gently.
Snape's hands had clenched on the arms of his chair. "I know what you were trying to do, Headmaster. 'Nagini' in Ambridge - thanks to Mundungus Fletcher! And that eminent herpetologist, with his white beard and his mastery of Parseltongue - just keeping an eye on things, were you? A fake mission, which brought us, and innocent Muggles, into contact with Deatheaters. Anything could have happened to the boy", he said angrily.
"I had no fear for the boy, or the Muggles, while you were there, Severus", said Dumbledore, but Snape continued as if he had not heard.
"A fake mission to force me together with Potter, to try and establish some bond between us. That was it, wasn't it?"
"I believe there is a bond between you already, Severus. The boy should know that."
Snape got up and stared unseeingly out of the window. "I will… I will tell him. But it must be in my own time, Headmaster, not yours."
Once again, Dumbledore sighed. "Very well, Severus. But be careful; we do not know the length of our own time..."
The small crowd was dispersing. Dumbledore prepared to follow Bellatrix. In due course he would retrieve the snake she would leave near Home Farm, modify a few memories and then finally return the creature and himself to the difficult future...
***
In that future, at Hogwarts, a classroom was emptying after a Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson. Harry was the last to leave. Snape regarded him quizzically. "You wish to speak to me, Potter?"
"Yes. That mission... sir. With 'Nagini'… well, it's just that it sounded really exciting, and then we spent so long wandering around Ambridge looking for the snake and I though something dramatic was going to happen at any moment, and in the end, well, it just sort of… well nothing happened, did it?"
"An anti-climax, you mean, Potter? A bit of a damp squib, if you will excuse the expression? Such, Potter, seems to be the nature of plots carried out in the vicinity of Ambridge. And now, I believe, you will be late for your Potions class, an unremarkable but regrettable state of affairs."
Harry stuffed his textbook into his schoolbag and went out of the door. Then a thought struck him.
"Nothing happened about that graffiti, did it… did it, sir? The graffiti on the cricket pavilion. Do you think…"
Snape frowned. "No, Potter, I don't think anything, except that you must believe me when I say we really do not wish to probe further into anything in Ambridge related to cricket."
Puzzled, Harry left the room. The matter seemed to be closed.
More Potter Parodies:
More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon
<<Back
|
|
 | |  |
|
|
|
 |
|
