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JDea, A Tragedy
by ms_S
(with deepest apologies to Euripides)

The cryptically named ms_S contributed this parody to the Fantasy Archers topic of The Archers . The name of the eponymous heroine derives from the message board's favourite nickname for Jennifer: JD ("Jenny Darling")

Dramatis Personae

JDea
Brion
Peguba
Dobophone
Adamemnon
A Messenger
A CHORUS of women messageboarders and their LEADER

Scene: The portals of Home Farm.

(Enter, Peguba.)

Peguba: O woe, O cruel Fates! The gods have seen fit to destroy the once glorious House of Aldrigeus. For mine own daughter, JDea has been cruelly deceived by her husband, priapic Brion, who has taken another bride, flame-haired Hathradite, not for love, but because she hath borne him a son! But my grandaughter, the shining Dobophone whilst sojourning at leafy Lower Loxlias, discovered his secret and thus his treachery was revealed to unhappy JDea. Hathradite, in her shame didst flee with the babe to the viridian isle of Erin. And now wretched Dobophone hath lost her mind and JDea sworn bloody revenge! O pity! O dread woe!

(Enter, the Chorus.)

Chorus: Man, thou art treacherous and the piteous plight of Womankind doth move me to tears! For I myself have tasted the bitter fruit of betrayal, and thus my heart doth ache for poor JDea!

Chorus leader: Fie! Art thou all mad? Canst thou not see, dere harts that JDea hath goats cheese for brains and doth spend all day either prone upon her couch by the azure waters of her sacred pool or despatching her husband's wealth at the gleaming temple of Underwood? I tell ye, she is a moo of great silliness and hath brought this misfortune upon herself. Wouldst that mighty Zeus with his lightning bolt would cleave her head in twain!

Chorus: Indeed, you may be right, O wise one, yet my heart canst not help but be moved to pity! And what of priapic Brion? Why in Hades shouldst he escape the retribution of the gods? But hark, I hear a hideous wailing from within the farmhouse walls.

JDea (from within): O cruelty! O wounded pride! Ah, wretched woman, am I!

Peguba: JDea, come out and shew thyself! For 'tis better that appearances be upheld and that thou temper thy madness with reason. Thy upper lip, as I myself taught thee, must AT ALL TIMES be adamantine. Remember the noble dignity of the wives of Tory, when their own husbands didst err!

(Enter, Jdea.)

JDea: But hallowed Mother - I will never taste again of Pleasure! That vile hussy hath produced a son, whereas my loins are withered and will ne'er more bring forth babes! Nor will these shrivelled paps ere give suck to the mouths of little ones! Alas, I have been cast aside!

(Enter, Brion.)

Brion: Hail, O JDea, my wife, mine own.

JDea: Your WIFE! Ha! Get thee to the caravan and thy lambs - thou dost prefer them, dost thou not, to mutton?

Brion: O Darling, forgive me!

JDea: Do not "O Darling" me, thou faithless serpent!

Brion: But I have forsworn the ruby-tressed Hathradite! Fie, what more dost thou ask of me? Thou hast surely thrived on my great fortune, these many years?

JDea: Thou foul-tongued traitor! Did I not, for thine own benefit, using my culinary arts, bestow the mighty casserole upon the men of Crawfidides when, in vast legions they slew thy golden pheasants? Did I not adorn myself with gown of finest scarlet cloth, and entertain thy kinsmen at the Winter Festival? These, and many other sacrifices have I made for thee, yet thou dost humiliate me thus. Begone vile deceiver!

(Exit Brion, crestfallen.)

Chorus Leader: See how the owld boot doth milk it for all that it is worth!

Chorus: For shame! 'Tis a bit harsh O noble one. Yet she doth make a meal of it all, I must agree.....if only she wouldst take up some course of scholarship and begin her life anew.

Chorus Leader: This lame denouement doth sicken me! By Zeus, I swear that if the Fates do not wind this bluddy thing up soon, I will feign be orf!