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Constanza Llama's Diaree
by Deb Z
 It seems that Lynda's llamas have taken a leaf from Helen Fielding, in this account of the past week taken from the Fantasy Archers topic of .
Sunday
Peggee (the weetch) Woollee haf surprise birthday pardee. Thees strange idea to me: obviouslee she know eet her birthday (nod sure eef Jack know ...), an鈥 evereebodee else know 鈥榖oud pardee, so how ees eet surprise? Naturallemente, Wolfgang an鈥 I nod eenvided (nod pard of familee) bud neither are Ed an鈥 Beth (hah!). Howefer, they are eenvided to deenner weeth Weelleeum an鈥 Emma. Evidemente, deenner pardees comeeng back eento fashion amonst young couples. Resolve to eenvide Meg an鈥 Meetch ofer for deenner. Wolfgang say I am dreadful matchmaker, bud I theenk they make nice couple - an鈥 who knows? Maybee she ask me to be bridesmaid ...
Monday
Outhruthee announce beeg sweem muss be cancelled due to problemos ad sweemeeng pool. Thees seem moss stupido to me! I sugess thad we all sweem up an鈥 down Reever Am, bud then Caroline (n茅e-Bone) offer pool ad Gray Gables.
Ed an鈥 Beth steell haf nod med all veellagers apparentlee: they oud an鈥 aboud all ofer place. I hear she is moss ardful. Maybee she make draweeng of me for Don Roberto's Chreesmas present, bud probablee she woan. Verree likelee llama's nod olde Eengleesh enouff - too eggsotique. Oleever and Caroline haf eenvited them to deenner - I theenk I ask Beell an鈥 Ben to small soir茅e ...
Tuesday
Wolfgang ees verree pud oud. He spend all morneeng paceeng shed demandeeng,
鈥淵 yo? Why she nod ask me? I can do thees. Eet no problemo!鈥
Es verdad - I see no reason why Ourrutheee nod ask heem be steward (鈥榗ept he mighd nod cound all my sweemeeng so he pay less!) Finallee he seet down ad pee cee and wride 鈥榥other ledder to Hulia, useeng pen name 鈥淒ouglass鈥. Thees weel haf stop! I muss pud my hoof down! Perhaps afder hees exposic铆on ad Lower Loxlee.
Merreehell continue leeve up to name. Eef I were Caf茅 I tell Kenton juss where he ged off - howefer thees nod my onions!
Bump eento Fly an鈥 Hermes, so eenvide them to ead weeth us one day nex鈥 week ...
Wednesday
I am beeside myself weeth rage! (An eenteresteeng concepd - muss eggsamine eet when haf time). Wolfgang led drop whad Grundees do weeth turkees ad Chreesmas. Eet mass slaughter! When I reecover power of speech I find Wolfgang haf deesappeared so I haf acd by self. Eet nod easee leeberadeeng turkees who no wan鈥 be free, an鈥 am horreefied when Ed and the ubeequeetous Beth turn up help Jos茅.
Aneeway to thank Scruffee and Wald for help (?), feel obliged to eenvide them take pod luck whenefer they passeeng ...
Thursday
The day of beeg sweem. Arrive beet lade, an鈥 almoss meess group photo - manage to poke head ofer Leenda's shoulder an鈥 say 鈥漈uesday鈥. Wonder why Leeleean haf hair done beefore sweem, an鈥 eef Wolfgang see her costume - perhaps eet bedder he nod! Cannod help bud noteece thad Shula haf pud beet weight on, and ees busee beecheeng 鈥榖oud other parteeceepands to Ourruthee. Make nodes so can tell Wolfgang lader, onlee to find heem een car park scoffeeng sausage (vegeetareen I hope) rolls weeth Kenton and Daveed.
Leenda an鈥 Usha seem theenk eet competic铆on, bud I make juss as manee lengths as I theenk Wolfgang can afford, an鈥 am utterlee horreefied to deescover hees lies of mass decepc铆on - he haf also sponsored Leeleean, Santa Shula and Usha. He gonna pay for thees een more ways than one!
Eggsit sweemeeng pool feeleeng stranglee lighd headed (muss be chloreene) and vaguelee reemember eenvideeng Alfredo, Snoweedrop and Blossom Silkee to drop ofer eef efer they feeleeng peckeesh ...
Friday
Steell feeleeng beet steeff I deecided to take stroll 鈥榬ound veellage, and meed with Meester & Meessus Niels Bohr. They explain thad eelectreecitee been cud of so they oud for the day - or ad leass 鈥榯eel Tommee ged back from Supermarket where he ees tied up. Wonder eef I should pop ofer to Borchester an鈥 untie heem?
Run eento Bartlebee, who tell me he theenk cider ees ready for dreenkeeng, bud would like Wolfgang's opineeon. Tell heem to come ofer one efeneeng. A leettle lader see Breetnee who bore me to tears talkeeng 鈥榖oud Supercalf. Fortunatelee she theenk moisture een eye due to my luf of other peeples offspreeng (doan deeseeluc铆on her) an鈥 eenvides me to chreesteeneeng - apparentlee she gonna be godmother. No commend. End further deescussion by sayeeng eef she wan鈥 talk 鈥榖oud playgroup further she know where I leeve.
Haf juss pud dussbeens oud, where I med Meg. She haf me een feets recoundeeng Emma and Weelleeum's deenner pardee! She say atmosphere so theeck you could cud eet weeth knife! Look on Emma's face when Beth say eet all beecause of Oleever thad she meed Ed! Bed she has now signed up to peeples 鈥榞ainst Countreeside Campaign (or whadefer). Then Meg reemember the classec reemark:
鈥淲had鈥 enquire Beth, 鈥淓es thees eenteresteeng cheese?鈥
鈥淢ankwold!鈥 shout Meg and Meetch from keetchen.
鈥淏orchester Blue,鈥 reply Emma (as preetenc铆ous as efer), 鈥淓et nod to evereebodee's taste.鈥!!!
Laugh? As Wolfgang say, we nearlee spleet gud!
Muss see Kneel 鈥榖oud hees asseestand - sure Wolfgang could do thees ...
Saturday
Catastophe! There ees surlee some meestake! Meg, Meetch, Beell, Ben, Fly, Hermes, Scruffee, Wald, the Silkee menage 脿 trois, Breetnee an鈥 Bartlebee all under eemprec铆on they eenvided to deenner tonighd! Wolfgang look verree smug (wonder why I nefer beefore notice reesemblance to Santa Shula) and wander off to wine cellar. Meanwhile, I raid garden (small peeckeengs) then neep eento veellage shop see whad Beddee haf on offer. Buy packed cigarillos. Smoke seex on way back to shed. Reeng Tia Delia - she oud. Look up receepees. Spectacles meest up weeth steam. Dreenk cookeeng sherree in error. Smoke 鈥榥other seex cigarillos - whad hell! Reeng Eendean Takeway. Send Wolfgang to queue beehind Ivee Horrobeen for cheeps. Dreenk ress sherree. Smoke ress cigarillos. Lay table. Lighd candles. Hoofs crosshed for besh!
Naturallemente, efeneeng todal triumph! I am world's greatesh cook! I weel haf stop now, as feeleeng leettle tired and emoc铆onal ...
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