大象传媒

Ambridge goes Restoration comedy in this entertaining parody, originally contributed to the Fantasy Archers topic of the Archers message board

Scene 3 The Jakes Pot Eatery.

On stage EMMA and WILL.

EMM: Oh Will, I be so excited. 'Tis hard to believe that we are shortly to be wed. I do love you dearly, and shall always be faithful.
WILL: 'Tis right strange to think of this, and yet I do look forward to it. Mr. Surly has agreed to give me the whole day off - without pay, o'course - so I can marry.
EMM: The whole day! Certes, Mr. Surly is the very spit and image of generosity.
WILL: Aye. 'Twould be hard to find a better master in all of Borsetshire. Well, I must go now. My ten minutes luncheon break is almost up, and the birds will not wait.
EMM: The birds, Will? Of what speaks thou? Are you unfaithful already?
WILL: No, no, sweet! I mean the pheasants. [Aside] 'Twas a right strange fancy of mine to wed one of such acute paranoia!
EMM: [Aside] 'Twas a right strange fancy of mine to wed one who cannot spot a joke at ten paces. [Aloud]. Goodbye, my sweet love!
WILL: Goodbye, my own dear darling!

[Exits. Enter from the other side LAYABOUT WASTREL].

WAS: Oh happy, happy, happy he, For he is shortly to be wed, No man could possibly happier be - Unless he had her money instead聟
EMM: Now, Mr. Wastrel, you know Will loves me dearly and his interest in marriage has nought to do with my personal fortune of twelve thousand pounds.
WAS: Ah Will, Will. Why must we talk of Will?
EMM: If you please, sir, 'twas you who raised the subject.
WAS: But my dear! The world is filled with a myriad of topics of conversation that are of far greater interest than Will Earnest. Why not talk of those?
EMM: Why, Mr. Wastrel. Which topic would you choose? Suggest a topic that is of more interest than my Will.
WAS: Why, my dear. Me, of course! Can you think of anything more fascinating than I?
EMM: [laughs coquettishly] Why Mr. Wastrel, you are a card!
WAS: [With mock seriousness] Flat and papery? I think you insult me, madam!
EMM: Indeed not, sir, for you are an ace of wit, and a king of hearts, though some would uncharitably call you a knave.
WAS: You really think so?
EMM: Indeed, sir.
WAS: Then have me!
EMM: Sir! You jest, surely!
WAS: Certes, it is a pretty jest to say I do not love you with every sinew of my being, with a passion that is hotter than the fires of Hades!
EMM: [Blushing modestly behind her fan] Why sir! You are moon mad to say such a thing!
WAS: Driven mad, aye, but not by the moon - by desire!
EMM: [Aside] My Will was never as hot as this! [Aloud] Sir, you are not of your right mind. You forget, methinks, that I am affianced to Will Earnest.
WAS: Curse Will Earnest! Why, can he best me? Do I not have the finest blade in all Ambridge, and the greatest skill with it?
EMM: [coldly] There are several in this village who would give that honour to Sir Rakewell Bounder, sir. His skill is known as far afield as Germany.
WAS: Pish, madam! I care not a straw for him, nor for Master Earnest!
EMM: Sir, I will not hear my Will so rankly abused by you or any other! I fear I must reconsider my employment with you. Good day, sir! [Exits, fluttering her fan furiously].
WAS: Egad! She's a hot one! Patience, Layabout. She will succumb at length.

Scene 4 Lower Loxley.

SIR NOVELTY is sitting idly, reading, his feet resting on his new five legged footstool. VOLAUVENT stands to one side, waiting to leap to his master's every command. Enter ELIZA:

ELI: Novelty!
NOV: [startled] Eh? What? Ah! My dear, would you be so kind as to address me in the appropriate manner in front of the servants?
ELI: What, sir? Coxcomb?
VOL: Oh!
NOV: Now, my dear. You see you have offended Volauvent, and I will not have him offended.
ELI: I will not apologise to a servant, if that is what you intend.
NOV: But of course not. Stab me vitals, 'twould not be proper!
ELI: Then we are agreed.
NOV: Indeed. Now tell me, my dear, what it was you intended to speak to me of?
ELI: My sister has come to see you.
NOV: Then, strike me senseless, why do not you have her come into me blessed presence? For the world must not be denied Sir Novelty!
VOL: Indeed not, sir, for it would be a tragedy of ze 'ighest order.
NOV: Slit me windpipe, Volauvent! You speak sooth! Does he not, Eliza?
ELI: [dryly] Indeed, dear, he is a veritable Oracle of Delphi.
NOV: Very well, very well! Bring her in! Volauvent, bring chocolate! We have guests!

[Exeunt VOL and ELI. A moment later ELI returns with SHULA]

NOV: Well, well, m'dear! I understand you wanted to see me. Sit down, and unburden your heart, as the King said to me just a month ago - did I tell you about the King? Stab me vitals, a fine fellow, and-
ELI: I think you did, Novelty.
NOV: Did I? Egad, me memory is going! I must call the doctor!
ELI: Could you perhaps deal with the business of my sister, first?
NOV: Slit me windpipe! Of course! My dear Mrs. Archer. What can I do for you?

[enter VOL with pot of chocolate and drinking bowls]

Ah! Well, I can at least do this. Serve the lady, Volauvent.
VOL: Sir. [he does so]
NOV: Now, apart from chocolate, what do you desire? Come, speak! I am at your disposal.
SHU: It is a delicate matter, sir. I would ask that your man is sent away.
NOV: Oh. [pause] Volauvent? Would you mind?
VOL: [icily] If Madam insists.

[He turns on his heel and flounces out].

NOV: Fine man that. Sir Rakewell's daughter found him for me. Now that you have disposed of him, madam, what is it you want?
SHU: I had hoped to ask for money, but I see I have offended you, sir, and so I shall trespass on your time no longer. Good day, sir, sister. [she exits].
NOV: Egad! 'Tis right strange behaviour, to come upon a man, insult his valet, demand monies and then leave without reply. 'Pon my honour it is!

Scene 5 The Jakes Pot Eatery.

On stage LAYABOUT WASTREL, cleaning glasses in an idle fashion. Enter SHULA.

SHU: A drink, sir!
WAS: You know I am not licensed to serve strong liquor, sister.
SHU: Indeed, Layabout, and I also know of the casks purloined from under the noses of his Majesty's Excise Patrols.
WAS: Point made, dear sister. [He serves a drink] You seem in some distress.
SHU: Oh indeed, Layabout! [Flutters her fan]. Most distressed, am I!
WAS: What ails thee, Shula?
SHU: Alas, my husband!
WAS: [laughs] The knave! What tricks is he at?
SHU: He gambled away our livelihood at cards with Mr Crafty. It is a secret most shameful but I cannot conceal it.
WAS: Dammee! Has he indeed? The old rogue!
SHU: 'Tis no laughing matter, sir!
WAS: I cannot help but laugh, madam, when you exaggerate so. You would make a foreign fishing boat into a French invasion fleet!
SHU: I should have known you would laugh, sirrah! But 'tis no cause for humour when your husband has debts of eight thousand pound and more!
WAS: Eight thousand pound? Ha! The very picture of a dupe! Look not to me for money, madam, I cannot pay it, though could if I had Miss Carter's fortune.
SHU: You seek Miss Carter's hand?
WAS: If 'twas holding money I would go to Hades to seek it.
SHU: But you would wed her?
WAS: Aye, Madam.
SHU: Then leap, my heart, and listen close, Layabout, for I think I have a scheme that will satisfy us both聟.

The Memory Lapse continues as an occasional series on the Fantasy Archers topic of the Archers message board