大象传媒

A Midsummer Nightmare
by Deborah Z

In the style of Lamb's Tales from Shakespeare.

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There was an unwritten law in the village of Ambridge which gave to the folk there the right to choose the partner of their choice; and this on pain of possible disappointment and certain discontent. There was but one voice of contention raised against this precept, a brave woman named Satya. However the villagers ignored her and said amongst themselves that she, not being from these parts, could have no knowledge of their ways.

And so it came to pass that Emma, a young maiden of the village loved a young man of Ambridge called William. This did not please her mother, who complained that he was not good enough and that Emma would do better with someone like young Greg 聳 a man of few words, so like Emma聮s brother Christopher.

In vain did Emma argue that Greg was in love with Helen, and thus it came about that William said that he and Emma should flee, for as he recollected, his Auntie Rosie lived some distance from Ambridge. He proposed to Emma that she should meet him in the deer-park, a few miles without the village. Emma joyfully agreed, and for reasons best known to herself (maidens will do foolish things) confided her intended flight to Helen. Helen happened to mention it to Greg, whereupon he resolved to follow the couple, for as he said,
"The lad is mad, and not only that, most like he will disturb the chicks I聮m rearing for the next shoot. I must stop this foolishness".

Helen was not terribly happy at this, but quickly making a few rounds of cheese sandwiches and stopping at the dairy to pick up a couple of yoghurts, she followed her lover to the deer-park.

***

The deer-park was within the domain of Obrian and Jennifer, known as the King and Queen of the Deeries. In more harmonious times they had often driven out in their landrover and counted the stock together. However, at this time they were in sad disagreement. The reason for this unhappy quarrel was a changeling child named Ruiri, who Obrian claimed as his own.

The night on which the lovers were to meet, Jennifer walking unattended in the park chanced upon Obrian.

"Ill met by moonlight, proud Jennifer," quoth the deery king.
The queen replied, "Obrian, whatever are you doing here? But I have foresworn thy company."
"Jenny dahling, tarry a while. I want that things are as they were."
Perplexed at his grammar, Jennifer left her lord in great anger.
"Well have it your way," said Obrian, "before the morning dawns I will once more torment you."
This saying, he sent for Adam, his current favourite and counsellor.

Adam, was on the whole a good fellow, and not only that, he was the best cricketer in the village. On hearing of Obrian聮s plan he remonstrated with him.
"Think you on it 聳 this plan to enter in the 聭carry your wife race聮 will serve but to make you look ridiculous. I have a better idea. Know you aught of pansies?"
Whereupon Obrian shook his head, and Adam explained the wonderous properties of this flower. Just a drop of their juice laid on the eyelids of those asleep, will make them, when they awake, dote on the first thing they see.
Obrian was quick to see the purpose of the plot and sent Adam speedily on his way to Glebe Cottage, where he knew that Phil had bought a large stock of bedding plants from the garden centre and planted them as though he himself had raised them from seed.

Now, it so happened that whilst waiting for Adam聮s return, Obrian chanced upon Helen and Greg, and he mistook their normal morose air for a lovers聮 quarrel. Thereupon, he called Adam on his mobile and told him also to put some of the flower juice in the eye of a young man dressed in the garb of a gamekeeper. Adam promised to manage the matter with dexterity.

***

But to return to Emma: when she entered the park, she found her dear William waiting for her. Alas, she was very tired, having spent a hard day in Jaxx Caff, and thus spoke to her beloved,
"William, I am all in. I know not whether I comest or goest. Let me rest a while."
And William, nothing loath, did spread a blanket on the mossy ground and lay down beside his Emma, and after a while, they fell fast asleep. Here they were found by Adam, who perceiving a handsome young man in camouflage jacket, hesitated briefly, but without more ado, poured the juice onto his eyelids. Pausing briefly to 聭phone Obrian, he informed him of a task well done.

Obrian was well pleased, yet one thing puzzled him.
"You say he hath comely features? Well, each to his own, but there is surely some mistake. Can it be that there is another in Norfolk Tweeds prowling in my park?"

On hearing these fateful words, Adam did twig his error, and promised Obrian forthwith to find the rightful person.

***

Now Greg had left home without a bite to eat and the pangs of hunger growled loud in his stomach. Had this not been the case, nought on this planet would have persuaded him to eat one of Helen聮s cheese sandwiches. Unwrapping them with care, he pinched his nose, opened his mouth, closed his eyes and prepared to take a bite. As fate would have it, it was thus that Adam found him, and with the speed of quicksilver, he dropped the liquid onto Greg聮s eyelids and departed post haste. Blinking rapidly, Greg muttered, "Pesky nightingales," and continued his quest for Emma and William. Spotting them in deep slumber he approached, but then, of a sudden, his bowels were seized with dreadful cramps and he fell in agony to the ground.

Returning from the anointing of Jennifer聮s eyelids, Adam found William where he had left him, and tired by his night聮s work, lay down near to his sleeping form.

***

Now, also residing at this time in the village was Lynda, a woman who was the butt of many a joke, and who like to have her fingers in many pies. Unable to sleep for the midsummer moon shone so bright, she took it upon herself to visit Jennifer, in order to discuss the web site. Straying into the bedroom of Jennifer, she encountered Obrian 聳 who without more ado, clapped a llama聮s head on her shoulders. Totally in the dark, poor Lynda blundered into the furniture and sneezed loudly, for there was much dust in the llama聮s head and this brought on her myriad allergies. Awakening at the noise, Jennifer opened her eyes, and the first thing she saw was Lynda.

"Ah! What angel is it I see?" she said.
"Jennifer, it聮s me, Lynda," said Lynda, but, alas, her words were muffled by the head and Jennifer understood not and sped to the stables, there to pinch some of Spearmint聮s hay to feed her inamorata.

***

As dawn began peeping on the horizon, Helen tumbled over William, waking him up. The subsequent screams as William tried to press his suit with her, declaring his undying love and passion for this lady, awoke in his turn Greg, who turned and surveyed the strong, masculine form of Adam. The crescendo of cries awoke Emma, and never having been the dearest of friends with Helen, they fell to high words. Adam, with the innate cunning of one who had oft sojourned alone in the African bush, played 聭possum for a while and then grasped the opportunity, as Helen launched herself on Greg and William upon Helen and Emma upon all three, to leg it back to Home Farm.

***

Obrian, entering his lady聮s chamber, was not best pleased to find her caressing Lynda, who was still wearing the llama聮s head.

"Pray, Madame," he thundered, "What is the meaning of this?"
"Obrian, isn聮t it wonderful," simpered Jennifer, "This lovely creature聮s going to move in, and tomorrow we聮re installing Wolfie, Connie and Robert in the stables."
"Well," said Obrian, nonplussed "if it makes you happy聟"

Catching a movement on the landing from the corner of his eye, he found Adam, suitcase in hand, stealthily descending the stairs.

"Whither goest thou?" he enquired, "And wherever it is, give me the anti-dote afore you leave."
"Obrian, I am back to Afric聮s golden shores, for there is no anti-dote."

Obrian thought hard and fast.

"Right," he said, "Give me five minutes to throw a few things in a bag and I聮m your man."

Adam watched resignedly, "Alas, Obrian, I don聮t think you are" he sighed.

***

And now, if any are offended with this story, as judging it too incredible and strange, they have only to think that they have been asleep or listening to The Archers, and all these adventures were visions which they saw in their mind: and I hope that none of my readers will be so unreasonable to be offended with a pretty harmless Midsummer Nightmar

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