The Mistress
by Mr Snowy
We learn the real story behind that infamous trip to Oxford, in this inventive and irreverent contribution to the Fantasy Archers topic of
Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away……….
"Curses" snapped the tall, lean man, clearly struggling to hide his normal Scots accent behind a bit of dubious, estuarine English.
"Is there a problem, Doctor?" asked Martha
Audience: Oh! We all thought it was going to be Star Wars
Mr S: From the title you probably thought it was about Siobhan
The Doctor (who else could it be?): A problem? Could be. I'm picking up signals about the Mistress
Martha: The Mistress? Is she something like the Master?
The Doctor: Ah, you humans. After all this time you still have the capacity to make me snork uncontrollably with your stupidity. But there's no time for that now. We've got to hurry.
The Doctor throws a few switches and the TARDIS splutters into action. In the twinkling of an eye, the ancient rust-bucket throws them across countless galaxies to the precise moment in the space-time continuum that the Doctor wanted. Well there's a first time for everything.
The doors open. Martha looks out and sees a perfect chocolate-box thatched cottage with all manner of cottage-garden plants blooming around it.
Martha: Why it's lovely! Not like the places that you usually take me. All those promises about the sights of the galaxy and we normally end up in a battle zone.
The Doctor (whimsically): What is life? It's full of care. Got no time to stand and stare. Come on now.
He enters the cottage without use of his sonic screwdriver or even knocking. He seems to know his way around. Then Martha sees the woman there.
Woman: Hello, you two! What are you doing here?
***
A short while later
Martha: But, Doctor, I thought that you first visited the Earth in 1963
The Doctor: A common mistake, Martha, especially amongst the children of the idiot-box.
Martha: So what really happened?
The Doctor: Aaarrh! Well! I suppose it really started about 15 years earlier. The ´óÏó´«Ã½ were doing some audience research and they had this team going around the country asking people what they thought about ´óÏó´«Ã½ programmes. Apparently they visited a village hall. This chap got up and said "What we want is a sort of farming Flash Gordon" This seemed a popular suggestion with the audience so the Beeb ran with it. They came up with an everyday story of time-travelling folk. The idea was that they would run it as a pilot in the North West. They brought in a chap called Gallifray Baseley to write it; now he was a blatant self-publicist if ever there was one.
Martha: So why have I never heard of it?
The Doctor: The pilot was a total flop
Martha: Surely not; you've always been so popular
The Doctor: Oh there were various reasons. To keep up the farming theme it was set in the Lake District and, frankly, there are only so many times you can save Keswick from aliens.
Martha: Oh, not those lovely Herdwick sheep. They wouldn't do that, would they?
The Doctor: Don't go there. Another problem was the audience. Lancastrians; hardly the sort of surreal thinkers that would appreciate such an avant garde plot
Large man in flat hat brandishing a black pudding: Oi! That's racism that is!
Mr Snowy (waving his white rose): I've got my prejudices and I'm sticking to them. Look at my deep, irrational hatred for Peggy
Audience: Nothing irrational about that!
The Doctor: Look I've got enough problems protecting the Earth from outsiders without having to cope with you two as well. And anyway the Lancastrians weren't the main problem. It was my persona.
Martha: Were you doing William Hartnell back then?
The Doctor: Oh no. He was otherwise engaged as an army sergeant. No, they saw me as a juvenile Kenneth Williams. Sadly the 50s weren't ready for a lead who was so confused about his sexuality.
Martha: Kenneth Williams? No I can't really see it.
The Doctor: It did have some cracking lines. I remember that, whenever the Master was being…..erm…….well……masterful, I could quell him with a quick "Oooooo, Matron!!"
Martha splutters helplessly
The Doctor: And then there were the Daleks. Charging about, avoiding the staircases and going "Extermine! Extermine! Exterminate!". I just said "Oh stop messing about". So that's how I met Jill here. She was my first assistant from Earth. And the best.
Jill smiles modestly.
Martha glowers. Then speaks hesitantly: What about … you know ….. Rose?
The Doctor: I've had some interesting chats with old Sigmund about that. "Displacement" That was the word he used. It seems that I was only interested in Rose as a Jill substitute
Jill: You probably wouldn't believe it, dear, looking at me now. But I was regarded as quite glamorous back then. A prototype Cathy Gale.
Martha glowers again
The Doctor: But what distinguished Jill from my other companions was that she gave it all up to preserve to the space-time continuum.
Audience: Praise be; that means that we'll be spared those tired old jokes about eddies in the space-time continuum.
Jill: Goodness me! Whatever am I thinking of? I've not offered you both a cup of tea. I'll just pop the kettle on and then you can carry on, Doctor.
Leslie Phillips: I say! Ding dong! Phwaarr!
Jill: Fruitcake, Doctor?
Audience: That's Captain Jack surely
***
A short while later (again)
The Doctor: And so you see, Martha, having gone to all that trouble to heal the rift in the fabric of time running right through the middle of Ambridge …..
Martha: No, hang on, Doctor, I'm not quite with this rift. How could it be here?
The Doctor: Oh do try to keep up, Martha. Surely everyone has noticed that there is a problem. Why a monsoon could hit the rest of the country and lots of places might be under six foot of water; here in Ambridge there would be children wanting to swim in the Aldridges' pool (yes that's an outdoor pool).
Martha: But I thought that the rift ran through Cardiff
The Doctor: Just part of my cunning plan to deflect future aliens. Fortunately the Welsh Tourist Board was only too happy to go along with it. So having gone to all that trouble to heal the rift in the fabric of time running right through the middle of Ambridge, I needed the final element in place and it had to be organic.
Jill: And I volunteered to be that organic element. It wasn't at all painful or unpleasant. The worst part was having to make all these casseroles and feed them into the vortex.
Audience: That's no way to talk about dear Phil
The Doctor: So Jill became the organic element, the Mistress of Brookfield. The farmhouse is right above the rift.
Martha: Oh that's where the Mistress comes in
Jill: I had to preside over Ambridge and generally take care of things. Of course the Doctor left me with a monitor. The old chameleon circuit worked a treat there, Doctor, everyone thought it was a real aga. And the Simulated Canine Robotic Form that you left was a wonderful help; so much more reliable than K9.
Martha: Well. Doctor, it's lovely to wander down Memory Lane like this but I thought we were in a hurry. I thought there was a problem.
The Doctor: Ah yes! Ruth
Martha: Ruth?
Jill: How do you solve a problem like Wor Ruthie?
Audience: Ooooooh noooooo!! Mr S isn't doing another musical, is he?
Mr S: They got away with songs on Red Dwarf
Martha: But what about Ruth? Who is she?
The Doctor: How do I explain it to you? I suppose it all comes down to Phil
Martha: Phil?
Jill: You know, Martha, there's something vaguely familiar about you; the way you keep repeating everything that's said to you but as a question. You haven't met my son, have you?
Martha: Your son?
Audience: Oh get on it with it!!
Jill: Our plan worked wonderfully well for a while. But then Phil wanted to retire. It made such sense for us to move out of Brookfield and let David and Ruth have it. I couldn't think of a single good reason to object, much though I wanted to stay.
The Doctor: That's when we realised that the Mistress couldn't be a single person; it had to be a position, a bit like the Castellan on Gallifray. We let Ruth became the Mistress of Brookfield, defender of the space-time continuum.
Jill: It wasn't as silly as it sounds. Ruth had so many of the qualities needed to do my job; an excessively loud voice, an obsessive interest in the minutiae of everyone else's life, all those ridiculous catch phrases. Of course we couldn't tell her what was going on; it would have been all over the western spiral arm of the galaxy quicker than you could say Zaphod Beeblebrox
Audience: Are you getting your parodies in a twist again, Mr S?
Martha (doggedly persisting with the plot): If you couldn't tell Ruth, how did you train her in using the monitor?
Jill: I think you should sit down, dear, and have another cup of tea
Mr S: Is this a good time to bring in Arthur Dent?
Jill: Have another cup of tea. This is clearly taxing you. You can't really think that Ruth would go anywhere near an aga. Anyway, just to make sure I bought her a new microwave as a moving-in present. And I could keep popping round with the odd casserole or to do a spot of baby-sitting. You know, just to check that everything was all right.
The Doctor: But you sent me a message to say that there's a problem
Jill: Yes, it's another part of the job specification. I never thought that we'd have any problems with it. Don't get me wrong; Ruth is a dear, sweet girl but even her own mother (pause, spit) wouldn't call her glamorous. But it seems she has got another man!!
The Doctor: And the Mistress, like Caesar's wife, must be above suspicion
Audience: And beneath contempt
The Doctor: But who is this visually-challenged chap?
Jill: You won't know him; he's new here. It's Sam Batton, the Brookfield cowman.
The Doctor: He's not Irish is he? All the racy storylines around her seem to involve someone Irish.
Jill: No but he is actually rather dishy. They've not consummated things yet obviously with space-time still being intact. But I've discovered that they are meeting up in Oxford tonight.
The Doctor: We'd better get a move then. Hurry up, Martha, no time to lose.
Martha: Just a minute, Doctor, something has got me really confused. Why do you keep saying "Hurry up" and "No time to lose"
The Doctor: Don't you realise how serious this is. We're talking about the possible destruction of the space-time continuum (with or without eddies), the end of life, the universe …… everything
Martha: No, Doctor, it's you who doesn't understand. If you are a Time Lord, why do you have to hurry? Can't you just get in the TARDIS and travel at your leisure to when you can intervene most effectively. Even Harry Potter worked that one out.
The Doctor (with an air of arch superiority) Actually I think you'll find that it was Hermione who worked it out. Now that was a girl who kept her eyes and ears open whilst she was with me. Nevertheless, having reflected on your last comment, I think that I might yet be able to make something of you too. So, let's just stroll over to the TARDIS
Usha arrives at Glebe Cottage just in time to see the Doctor and Martha leave
Usha: Who were they, Jill?
Jill: Well that delightful young woman was Martha Jones. What's the matter? You seem a bit upset?
Usha: I must see the editor and complain. I'm the only ethnic minority in this village.
Jill: And that distinguised-looking man was the Doctor
Usha: Doctor! Doctor! Don't talk to me about doctors! I'm sick to death of doctors.
Jill (aside): And there was I thinking that the problem was that Shula had had her fill of them
***
8 November 2006 Brookfield Farm
SFX: like an overweigh, asthmatic hippopotamus reaching the finishing line in a marathon.
The TARDIS appears behind the cowshed.
Audience: Why do you keep typing TARDIS in capitals?
Mr S: Well it might be because TARDIS is an acronym. But the real reason is that Brenda Tucker got the advertising contract
Brenda: Eat STERLING GOLD cheese!!! The perfect complement to TOM ARCHER sausages, now containing added BORCHESTER LAND!!!
Meanwhile ……..
The Doctor and Martha emerge. They must be wearing those keys again because none of the people assembled there seems to notice them; or possibly they are just too self-absorbed.
David (standing by the side of an indescribably filthy car): Well, Ruth, I hope that you have a really good evening with Thingy. You know, your best friend from college whom you've mentioned so little in the last ten years. Where is it she lives again?
Ruth (from inside the car): Oxf….. I mean whatyoumaycallit, that place which is just sufficiently far away that I'll have to spend the night there and which is in totally the opposite direction from where Sam is spending his day off
David: Well, love, you deserve a break and a real pampering, especially when I was such a pillock about Sophie. Here's Josh and Ben wanting to say goodbye
SFX Tape Recorder (Thanks, S-F): Bye, Mummy. We love you, Mummy. When's our idiot of a father going to rumble you and Sam, Mummy?
David: I wonder where Pip is? She wanted to say cheerio too
Ruth: Yes, I'd love to see her for one last time whilst I can still look her in the eye
Unbeknown to David and Ruth, Pip is running through the cowsheds in her desperation to see Ruth before she leaves. In her hurry she fails to notice the Doctor and Martha as she passes them. She also fails to notice the Doctor's raised foot. She fails over it and is seriously winded.
The Doctor: Oh dear. What a shame. How sad. Now she'll be too late.
Ruth: Sorry, David, I can't wait any longer for Pip. Thingy will be wondering when I'm coming
Audience: We sense another tired old joke there
Martha: That was a bit cruel, Doctor, tripping that poor girl up and making her miss her mother
The Doctor: All part of my cunning plan (Aside: I did so love being Baldrick and no one ever suspected how I travelled between those different periods of history) But, Martha, it's all down to you now. Only you can save the universe
Audience (simultaneously burying heads in hands): We're doomed!!
The Doctor: Yes, Martha, time to show you've got the bottle
Lilian: Did someone mention a bottle, darlings?
***
The TARDIS shortly after
The Doctor: Now, Martha, take this!
Martha: What? But it's just a mobile phone.
The Doctor: Not just any old mobile phone. It's Pip's. Didn't you notice me pick her pocket when she had fallen on her ground
Martha: Just one of many talents I suppose, pick-pocketing
The Doctor: Now let me just tweak the phone with my sonic screwdriver whilst I slot this in. There! It's ready now. I just need you to ring this number and speak the words on this card.
Martha rings
Ruth (answering it absent-mindedly whilst speeding down the M40): Sam, you must stop ringing me like this. I'm getting there as fast as I can
Martha: Mum. Is that you?
Ruth: Ermmm ….Pip? I missed you earlier. I'm sorry I couldn't wait
Martha: Mum, I'm sorry too. Sorry for everything.
Ruth: Even the awful food?
Martha: Well perhaps not that. But I miss you, Mum. We all love you, Mum, even Dad. Now you have a really great time with Thingy, you know your old college friend who ……….
Ruth: Thanks, Pip. You'll never know how much. Bye
Ruth pulls over and rings to give Sam the bad news. The audience lets out a deep sigh of relief.
The Doctor: The good old Bremner-fish device. It's a bit like the Babel-fish but, instead of translating the language that someone is speaking to you, it allows you to sound like whoever you want to. I pre-programmed it for Pip.
Martha: But how did you know what I should say? How did you know what Ruth would reply
The Doctor: Don't you remember the episode with the statues? How to hold a conversation because you know what the other person is going to say. QED. Anyway Ruth is now ringing Sam to tell him it's all off. The Mistress's honour is saved. The space-time continuum remains intact
Eddie: Does that mean you won't be needing me any more?
The Doctor: Just one last little task to tie things up properly. Can I borrow that phone a minute. This is a really neat trick ……. ringing across time
Cut to Brookfield Farm two weeks on
Ruth: So what do you say, David. Which breed do you think we should use to improve the herd?
David (waking suddenly from his sleep and still blissfully unaware of Ruth's dalliance with Sam): What? Oh! Erm. Well I think there's a lot to be said for the one you like. Erm. What's it called, erm. Oh yes the Danish Blue.
The phone rings: David answers, plainly saved by the bell. He gives out a few yeses and goods
Ruth: Who was that, David?
David: That? Well it wasn't her, obviously; you can check the call record if you like. Actually it was some good news. It was Paxley's to say they've found us a replacement for Sam
Ruth: (sotto voce; you know how FF (aka fortissimo) goes every time she tries to do nervous or worried) Ooooh. (pause) That's good (pause) Does he sound promising?
David: He sounds just the ticket.
Ruth: What's his name?
David: Yes, I think I wrote it down. Apparently it's Jack, Captain Jack Harkness
Sid: Ooooooooooooooh noooooooooooo!!!
Audience: Well it's a better solution than all that tedious Fergie restoration
Cut back to the TARDIS
Martha: Well that should ensure that there's no more trifling between Ruth and the cowman. Jack can help Jill keep an eye the rift too. So that's that; job done. The world's saved again. What's the matter, Doctor, someone stepped on your grave?
The Doctor (looking unusually pale): Something like that. We Timelords sometimes get moments of pre-cognition. I've just had one. A bit of a vision
Martha: Really? What did you see?
The Doctor: Remember the scarecrows - normally jolly and friendly but suddenly really threatening? It was a bit that. Only …….
Martha: Only what?
The Doctor: Only this time it was a green mouse!!!
Cut to a galaxy far, far away. Another TARDIS
The Master: Curse you, Doctor, you've foiled me again
The Master reviews the situation. "Yes," he thinks, "this time it might work. My big mistake had been involving Batton. I need to be more hands on." He looks in the mirror and runs his hand backwards across his hairless dome. "Yes perhaps I could get Ruth to go for bald and 60-something"
