ALL advertisingments MUST be paid for IN ADVANCE. Please report in the first instance to the General Manager in ANY circumstance requiring the placing of advertisingments in THIS window.
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Caravan for SALE. All offers considered. Perfect for family holidays in safety and comfort. Needs some work.
Apply - Pig Ark View. Or ask the woman at the counter. The one with the shrewish face, that is, not the other one. Mind you, you can ask 'er too as she knows what it's like to live in it.
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Accomadition requird. Anything considerd. Odd jobs done. Anything considerd there, too.
Apply E. G. mobile …..
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Babysitter needed. Single mum WLTM reliable, safe childminder. Lovely little boy, we all treat him as our own. Odd hours. Low rates. Immediate start. Must have first aid knowledge.
Ask at the counter.
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Hey girls!!! Fancy clubbing? Wanna share a car? Ask at counter for Emma. Must have car.
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Need a loan?? NO sum too large. Ring Ambridge LOANShark. Ask for Matt.
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Horse livery available.
Private riding lessons available.
Ironing service available.
Washing service available.
Anything LEGAL considered.
Call The Stables and if a man answers, call back later. Please speak to a woman with a martyred tone.
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Does your pet need help? Call Al now for private sessions, discount for cash. Anything considered (long-term expensive ailments preferred, can also do cows INCLUDING DAIRY, YES, SURPRISING, EH?? D A I R Y = DAIRY COWS, like GOOD VETS can do).
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Addictions? We can help. Call our freephone and ask for Matt.
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Has anyone seen my Jack? Much-loved family member, grey muzzle, tends to wander.
Call in at the hotel. Reward available (small).
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Green tights found (baggy). Apply at the counter.
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Saucy pics available. Asian babe/vicar.
Apply at counter.
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Need shoeing?
Apply at counter.
Horses only.
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Dry cleaning service available. Ideal for oatmeal carpets. With blood on them.
Apply at counter.
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W A N T E D
Copy of book: 'Flying the Nest: When Children Never Get To Leave, You Must Give Them Wings.'
ALSO,
anything on yoga.
URGENT. Any condition.
Apply at counter.
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Elocution lessons available - female instructor
Reasonable rates
Apply: Brookfield Farm
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Poker lessons
Apply The Stables
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Cricket lessons
Apply The Stables
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Marriage Guidance Tips
(including Redecorate to Save your Relationship)
Apply The Stables
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Books for sale owing to change of curcu, er, circimst, er, situation, cash only.
'I'm OK, You're Rubbish'
50 p
'Changing Rooms'
£1.00
'How to Win Friends and Influence People'
50 p but it's rubbish
'Men are from Mars, and Women are Right'
£1.00 (only 'cos of funny stains from baby!!!!!)
'I don't know how she does it'
Fiction: 50 p
'Getting Ahead in a Greasy Spoon'
Work in progress - anything considered.
Ironing and washing taken in.
Anything taken in.
Cash only.
Apply: Jaxx Caff. (I always said the name was stoopid)
Ask for Em, Tues 2-3.30, Weds. 1-4.15, Thurs. 11-5.00 if it ain't Will's day off, Fri. 9-2.10 if the bus is running, Sat. 10-12 'cos I 'ate it when the jumped-up Sat. staff start going on about 'ow busy it is. Mon. 11-1.15, then 3-6.15 even though we close at 6.30 but Kenton has to cash up 'cos I got to get 'ome. I got responsib, er, resspinsiblt, er, a baby, thingy, wossit and it makes me speshul.
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Part time cowman wanted. Additional hours may be available if Hotel experience.
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Llama-walkers needed, for evening walks now I am unaccountably rota'd for the evening shift at Grey Gables, must enjoy Mozart. £25.00 per hour for Sympáthetico.
Apply Mrs. R. Snell, Grey Gables Second Tier Management (Frnt of House).
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Country Hotel Memorabilia (available due to change of management)
One stuffed lynx
Wide range of CDs by Tommy Croker Quartet
Various photographs of Staffordshire Bull Terrier
Sundry stationery - staff roster charts, rulers, protractors, coloured pens and highlighters
Apply: Mr R Tucker BA (Hons), Deputy Chief Executive, Grey Gables
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Could you be the answer to my prayers? Soon-to-be-retired C of E clergyman seeks rural property to rent or buy.
Reply: the Palace, Felpersham
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Various furnishings in the Japanese style; futon, screens, wall decorations. Books on oriental philosophy
Apply: Honeysuckle Cottage, Grey Gables kitchen or the polytunnels
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Full uniform, PE and rugby kit for the Cathedral School. Suitable for well-developed 11 year old
Apply the Stables: if small(ish) boy answers, ring back
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Experienced chauffeur seeks new position. Willing to assist in garden - chrysanthemums a speciality. Replies in writing only - definitely no telephone calls
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Staff Badge for sale. 3 stars. Removable name plate.
Apply R. Tucker, Grey Gables.
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'Say it with stews'
Casseroles for all occasions.
Apply: Matriarch Food Co.
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Horse for sale. One not very careful owner. Slight damage to one corner. Buyer collects. Condition as seen.
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Poems penned for all occashuns
Birthdays, weddings, celebrashuns
And when your girlfriends machinashuns
leave you cold, commiserashuns
Apply B.Fry
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Newborn-size clothes (for a baby) for sale.
Includes 1 England Football shirt (slight stain, you wouldn't notice unless I told you), ready for World Cup, tight, white teeshirt, and lots of boring stuff Will bought from the market.
£5000 the lot Apply: EG, Ambrdge View
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Parsnip Lasagne recipe cards
How to Start a Homeless Shelter
Hindi for Beginners
All free to good home
Apply - The Vicarage (if elderly West Indian woman answers, please concoct excuse for visit)
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Cookery lessons (pancakes our speciality)
Apply S Perks The Bull (no homosexuals please)
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Would like to sell:
Deep fat fryer (unused)
Chocolate fondue (unused)
Bread machine (unused)
Would like to buy:
Small set of bathroom scales (maximum weight 7 stone)
Apply in person to Ambridge Organics
Our thanks to Borrowed Time, Catwomyn, Leafy-suburbanite, Mr Snowy, Rosie T, Very Grumpy Sheep, Vicky S and especially Gnome de Plume whose idea it was.
More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon
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