大象传媒

Visitors to the Fantasy Archers topic on The Archers message board are regularly entertained to see Ambridge events reflected through the eyes of Lynda's llamas. Here's the latest instalment from the prolific Deb Z.

Wolfgang looked up from the book he was reading and yawned long and loud. His failure to cover his mouth with his hoof as he did so surprisingly elicited no reprimand from Constanza, who was painstakingly counting the holes in her counted cross stitch. Wearily he shut the book and looked at the title : 'Gothic Tales of Horror'. Well, he had not been horrified at all ! Rarely, in all his born days had he chanced upon a book of such unremitting tedium.

Man was an odd beast, he reflected, not for the first time. He could think of much more terrifying things, prominent amongst which was the recurring nightmare in which he was strapped, fully awake, to Alistair's operating table, whilst Alistair, aided by his assistant Denise, advanced menacingly upon him with a large pair of scissors in his hand, croning in maniacal fashion, " Snip, snip ". Just thinking about it brought him out in a cold sweat, and he had to remember that usually in his dreams, lovlee, blond Shula turned up and rescued him in the nick of time. He sighed.

"Constanza," he said, "I been theenkeeng. Life become beet samee recentlee."
"Whad?" snapped Constanza, irritably, losing count. "I doan know whad you mean. Deedn't we haf luvlee time in snow, toboganeeng down Lakee Heell on Leenda's bess tray? I know you upset we no find anee skees, bud I steell theenk eet dangerous to strap plank of wood on hoofs."
"Si, bud eet seem to me, life lack sparkle - efen Leenda nod been 'round much."
"Thank Heaven for small mercees!"
"We become like old married couple聟"
"Onlee weethoud marriage licence!" said Constanza, pointedly.
"Now, now, you know whad Rosee say 'boud thad."
"Hmm - she steell offer to be bridesmaid. Aneeway, whad you want now - haffn't we juss redecorated shed? You wan' we go on bycycle ride? On holeeday? Make blind date? You pud publicitee een Borchester Echo, 'Beeg Tiger seek leettle pussee?"
"I hope I more subtle than thad! No, whad I tryeeng to say ees, we een beet of rut."
"Thad all males efer theenk 'boud!"
"I say 'een rut'."
"Si, I hear. Go take cold shower! Eet nother twentee days 'til beegeeneeng of spring!"
"Whad thad god to do weeth eet?"
"Young llama's fancee turn to lust聟.Sap riseeng聟"
"Good grief Constanza! You start sound like George Boreford! Now, happen thees verree eenteresteeng here, look how leettle buds juss showeeng 聟et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseum!"
"Eats shoots and leaves. Eet juss like I say;" murmured Constanza.

All of a sudden she was struck by a nasty suspicion.

"I know whad eet ees. You bored weeth me! You find somebodee else!"
"No eet nod," said Wolfgang crossly, adding undiplomatically, "'Sides, where I find 'nother llama een Borsetshire?"
"I see eet all now," cried Constanza, ignoring him. "Firs you say we seeeng too much each other, then you say you wan space. Nex theeng you know, I raddled old hag of llama, dreenkeeng boddle of geen and smokeeng thirdee cigarillos a day! Wolfgang, doan leaf me!"
Uttering these last words, she threw herself at Wolfgang and wrapped her legs around his knees.
"Doan be sillee," said Wolfgang, trying in vain to shake her off.
"I do aneetheenk," wept Constanza, "I pud on blond weeg, I wear stockeengs, I haf makeover聟"
"CONSTANZA!" shouted Wolfgang, "Pull youself together. Me ca una puta! You continue like thees I go!"
"Promise you nefair leaf me," sobbed Constanza, relaxing her grip slightly.
"Hokey, I promise. Now, unhoof me."
"Hi hi hi!" giggled Constanza, " I verree good, no? You reallee belief me, eh?"
"Pah!" said Wolfgang, shortly. "Now geeve me book, I theenk I prefer gotheec horror storees to real life ones!"