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Trial by Pinafore - or The Lass that loved an Aldridge
by Elaine Mc

Baspo and Benjamino - River Am bargees
Don Antonio - a gentleman farmer
Ruth - a farming maid of all work
Mad Caro - a wildly dressed mad woman
Sir Oliver Murgatroyd - a nobleman
Little Betty - a purveyor of tea, coffee, treacle and toffee
Bert Bunthorne - a fleshly poet
Mick Dead-Eye - a forester
Tom Tucker Archer - a middenite
Mrs Partlett-Pargeter - a pew opener
Julia Jellicoe - her mother-in-law and an English Comedienne
Jack Pointless - shop owner, hotelier, one time newspaper proprietor
Dame Peggy Carruthers - his wife
Irishtemptress - an exiled fairy
Sir Despard Aldridge - her one time lover
Shula, Janet, Debbie and Kathy - Rapturous Maidens
Lady Susan Sangazure, a Lady of recent Lineage with ideas above her station

SCENE ONE

The year 2022. The Bull, a tavern by the green in Ambridge - an English Village. As the curtain rises, a group of village gentlemen are drinking and playing cards. (The ladies of the chorus are unable to appear as yet, being occupied, all, with cleaning, shopping, making casseroles and salads, web designing and learning Italian, whilst, for the most part, holding down full time jobs.)

OPENING CHORUS

ALL:
Pour oh pour the British Sherry
Fill with Shires the litre glass
And for Tony - cider perry
Cos the lager's full of gas
BERT BUNTHORNE:
For today our man organic
Took a well earned holiday
From his life style wildly manic..
Celebrate his Natal day !!
ALL:
Wish him luck in his adventures
Tony's got some brand new dentures !
MICK DEAD EYE:
One and sev'nty now he's rising
Still gets up at half past five
Digging, weeding, pulling, sizing
But he's glad to be alive
ALL
Here's good luck to his adventures
Tony's got some brand new dentures !

Laughter and Merriment Ensue.

BASPO: Gentlemen - the merriest fellows are we聟..
BENJAMINO: ..But Hark ! The hour of ten is sounding and our womenfolk wait

The gentlemen leave & laughingly make their way to Little Betty's shop to buy guilt presents for the women.

ARIA - LITTLE BETTY

I'm called Betty Tucker, and Susan's best mucker
I'm b**gered if I could know why
I must be a sucker, I married Mike Tucker
A whinger with only one eye
**
I'll tot up your savings, sell parmesan shavings
And rent you a video - or more
Deliver your papers - and make sure your capers
Are broadcast on radio four
**
I've Spanish Pimento and freeze dried Cilentro
For Jennifer Aldridge to buy
She caused quite a ruckus, when she couldn't get cous cous
And had to make do with a pie
****
If you want Sambucca, support Betty Tucker
And don't let our post office die
So please don't abuse it "just use it or lose it"
And please- from your village shop - buy !
***

ALL: Hurrah !

The gentlemen buy ribbons & laces to set off the faces of pretty young sweethearts & wives etc etc

LITTLE BETTY: You have heard of our visitor gentlemen聟聟
ALL: Visitor ?
BETTY: Sir Despard Aldridge is returned to these parts from the Eastern bloc determined to find his son, lost to him these 21 years since his wanton Fairy mother, Irishtemptress, was exiled to the swamplands of Felpersham.
MICK DEAD EYE: Irishtemptress ! She who dared to love an Englishman !
BETTY: The very same !
ALL: The very same !!!!!

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