大象传媒

The Restaurant At The End Of Universe - Part 1
by Almond Aire (in tribute to the late Douglas Adams)

This clever parody was contributed to the Fantasy Archers topic of The Archers message board.







Four inert bodies sank through spinning blackness. After what seemed like an eternity, lights danced unsteadily round them. A figure in perfect evening dress approached them, and coughed discreetly.

"Good evening, Sirs, Madam," said the figure, in exquisitely fruity tones, "Do you have a reservation?"

Tom Perfect looked up, confused. "Reservation?" he asked, puzzled.

"Yes, Sir."

"Do you need a reservation for the afterlife?"

"Afterlife, Sir?" asked the figure disdainfully, arching expressive eyebrows.

David Dent looked around in a vague sort of way. "Is this the afterlife then?" he asked.

Tom Perfect, surprising himself, managed to stand up. "It must be," he said. "There's no way we could have survived that explosion when Clive blew up the barn, is there?"

"No," said Debbidge. "No way at all." (David had been very surprised to meet her aboard the stolen spaceship Heart of Mustard - last time he had seen her she had been Debbie Aldridge from Ambridge Secundus, looking for work - anything to get her away from the village. She had tried a mysterious job next door to an extremely weird bookshop for a while. Then she met Kenton Beeblebrox, who had said to her, "Hey babe, I'm from Planet Oz," and the novelty was just too much to resist).

Kenton groaned from the floor. The noise was in stereo, because both his heads made an equal amount of noise. "I definitely didn't survive," he said. "I was a total goner. Arms, legs everywhere." He struggled to his feet.

The figure in perfect evening dress said, "Would the lady and gentlemen care to order drinks?"

"So, continued Kenton, "Here we are, lying dead..."

"Standing!" Debbidge corrected him.

"Er, standing dead, in this desolate..."

"Five star..." said Debbidge.

"...restaurant," said David, who now he was on his feet, was looking around in open-mouthed astonishment. His gaze was drawn to the huge window, through which he saw a view that began to make his recently rediscovered flesh creep: the sky was ...

Another man in immaculate evening dress pointedly drew the curtains closed. "All in good time, Sir," he said smoothly.

Kenton's two heads seemed to be having a conversation with each other. Then light dawned in one set of eyes. "I knew we were missing something important," he said. "Did I hear someone say drinks?" "Indeed, Sir," said the man in evening dress.

It was now apparent to everyone that he was a waiter. "If you would like to order drinks before dinner, then the Universe will explode later for your pleasure."

Tom looked at the waiter. "Wow! What sort of drinks do you serve here? Must be a bit stronger than Shires!" The waiter gave a laugh that was not a laugh.

"It is not unusual for our guests to be a little disoriented by the time journey," he began.

"Time journey?" said Kenton, Tom and Debbidge in unison. David was looking at the waiter in a very odd way.

"You mean this isn't the afterlife?" said Tom.

The waiter spoke politely, but wore an expression of absolute disgust that these rural peasant types had the temerity to appear in his high class (well it was a bit flashy really, as it had been decorated by the famous interior designer Lilian Bellsbaublesandbangles) restaurant. He said very archly, "Afterlife, Sir? No, Sir. Sir is most evidently alive, or I would not attempt to serve Sir."

Kenton, who had surreptitiously glanced at a menu on a nearby table, slapped both his heads at the same time, and pretended to look as if he made a great discovery.

"Hey, guys!" he said, "This is Gableways!"

"Gableways?" asked David, still staring at the waiter.

"Indeed, Sir. Gableways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe."

"End of what?" asked David.

"The Universe," said the waiter clearly, in a bored voice.

"When did that end?" asked David.

"In just a few minutes, Sir," replied the waiter. "Now, would you care to order your drinks, and I will show you to your table?"

Both Kenton's faces broke into wide grins, and he proceeded to the bar and ordered doubles all round. The waiter showed the others to a nearby table. Tom and Debbidge sat down, but David said to the waiter, "How did you end up working here, then? We all thought you were dead! We even had a memorial service for you!"

The waiter turned and looked hard at David. Meanwhile, Debbidge and Tom stared hard at both David and the waiter. Recognition dawned in all three faces at once.

"David Dent!" said the waiter.

"Nelson!" cried Debbidge and Tom.

"It's a long story," said Nelson, sounding much less bored and waiter-like.

"Basically, I needed to get away - trouble with creditors you know - so I hitched a lift with a teaser. It's not so bad here, although it's not the same as having my own wine bar. Some of the customers are rather rowdy, but the regulars can be very generous. The new chef is a very nice boy too. Reminds me a bit of Shane in some ways. Anyway, I can't stay and chat with you just now, I have work to do. I'll see you after the Universe has exploded."

Go to .

Picture: Lynne Lancaster

More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon



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