The Young Farmurs
William Norton contributed this well-observed parody of Daisy Ashford's
The Young Visiters, first published in 1919 and written when Daisy
was aged only eight.
Neel
Carteena was an old man of over 40 and was rarther fond of pigs and other
animuls. He did not like peaple much so he marrid Sussan Horrabin becorse
her famly were not fusy and were mainly in jale and they went to live
at Willo Farm. They had a girl called Emma, 37 pigs and a baby boy called
Cristoffer who had a funy lip until the docters made it better. Neel thorght
they were very hapy. When he had bin young Neel had had idears but nowadays
he chuse to work for a living.
One fine morning Niel come down to brekfast singing a mery song full
of the joys ecsetera when he saw Susen standing over the bacen crying.
Neel was rarther disturb by this. What is it milove he arsked chearfly.
I know it is painful that our little porkers must be slain to make my
bacen for brekfast but it is so nice and they do not feel a thing I assurh
you. Besides he said with a winning smile you can share some rashers with
me.
But Sussen meerly snifed and turned awey. But she was not qwick enugh
becorse Neel saw that her lovly eyes were filed with teers. This plukked
Neel's hart terrible. Oh Niel she said I do not weep for the pigs.
So Niel come and put one manly arm round her frale frame and wisperd tenderly
into her other ear. Tell me all about it milove he said and I will put
it right even if I had to go to the end of the earths. Your eyes shuld
shine with love not sadniss.
O Neel said Susen I am so sad becourse you are not a gentilman and I will
have to work in a shop.
Neel larghed deeply for a breif moment and said I am nearly a gentilman
my deerist and when I worked for Borchesta Mills I wore a suit which I
keep still upstairs in our special cubbord with your weddin dress.
But Susen digged him in the rib with a plafull elbow. That is not the
same she intoned woefly. Now that Docter Haffaway has taken up with the
vikker they have made him shut his surgry and I am on the streets. O the
shame of it she waled malodorusly and Emma will have to marry one of the
Grundes. I migth as well have stayed in jale with my famly. At leest they
give you free dinners althogh they could be hotter.
We have a nice life hear in Willo Farm quoth Neel. The pigs are hapy
and Tom Archer will pay me loads of mony for them. Look now throgh our
window and you can see the fish playing in the rivver and in the feilds
yonder the lambs are gambling. Your hart shuld sing like a parret in a
new golden cage. Besides we have two lovly children and only one of them
has bin in hostiple on account of an horrific car accedent.
Neel said Susen stearnly it is not enogh. My face is old and pale owing
to the smell of the pigs. I have idears and I want to be respectabul and
to have all the vets take off their hats when we walk by. I want you to
become Lord Nevverborn's butler.
But my angle said Neal with a start I do not have the rite sort of suit
and any way I would exspect a grand lord like him to have a butler alreddy.
Your flaygrunt ambishun will bring us only teers.
I will bruck no obstruckshun said Sussen planely. If you will not do
this for me I will go back to jale and Emma and Cristoffer will be without
their mother. The Grundes will probly feed Emma but Cristofer will starve.
I could alweys arsk Ruth Archer for some more children she is alweys
having them said Neel with diffiense but in his hart he knew he was beat.
I do not know how to be a butler he moned weekly.
First said Sussen you must know how to talk propper so that peaple will
not know you is not a true gentilman. I have seen a video of My Fare Lady
in the villidge shop by Gorge Bernerd Shore what told me all about it.
There is an Hungrian working up at Bruckfeild and he will teech you propper
speaking. Everyone says as how he speaks the poshist langwidge in all
Borsetshur.
Very well Sussen love siged Neel. I will do whatsoever you command me.
His hart was hevvy but the chanes of love were hevvier still.
[Editor's note: Neil's pigs live at Willow Farm, but Neil
and Susan really live at 1, The Green.]
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