大象传媒

Last week, 15 year old 'Samantha' talked to Home Truths about the problem of bullying in her school. In response to this, 38 year old Clive Frayne contacted us to tell us how his experience of being severely bullied at school has blighted much of his adult life...

Clive, the skinny, bright kid, with the slightly odd clothes, endured years of bullying at school - both physical and verbal. During Clives time at junior school, the Frayne family moved every couple of years. At each new school, Clive believed things would be different, "But within weeks of being at a new school, the whole thing would start again, with a group of new people." The psychological toll was heavy; by the time he left school Clive had convinced himself he was to blame for the abuse, "I hated myself - I thought I was ugly, not properly male. It was devastating the way it affected my life after I left school. It took me years and years to shake it off."

For several years after leaving school, Clive resorted to drink and drugs, finding that he fitted in with a group of people for the first time. But at university he developed an interest in fencing and the martial arts, finding he wasn't the unco-ordinated weakling he felt himself to be at school. "I sort of over-compenasted with the idea that I could be some sort of Bruce Lee figure. It was rock climbing that helped me most. I always thought I was a coward, but I found I could hang by my finger-tips 90 foot up and not be too bothered by that because I was in control. But I wasn't in control round other people - I still find them difficult, particularly other men. For years, walking down the street, I expected to be attacked."

After having struggled with his feelings for years and got to the point where he no longer felt that he was likely to be attacked, a few months ago, Clive actually was attacked by 6 youths in the quiet village where he lives in Co. Durham, "I didn't fight back - immediately it happened I was straight back to feeling how I did in the playground - even after all the work I'd one on myself. Although I was probably more than physically capable of dealing with the situation - I didn't. This set off a whole chain of feelings where it was just like being back at school - but this time I could talk to friends about it." One of the youths who'd attacked Clive was caught, "I picked him out of the police line up, and just seeing how scared he was allowed me to move on from the attack."

Does he feel sorry for himself? "I don't feel sorry for myself now, I feel sorry for the kid I was. It's difficult to talk about - just admitting it happened is almost admitting you're a failure. All my life I've asked myself why I didn't hit someone and sort it out. Why didn't I do something about it. I'm sure the things I did at school were the right things to do to survive. But emotionally, the question will always sit there."

听