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Growing Old Disgracefully...
72 year-old Hazel sent the following list - compiled by 38 year-old son, Simon, - to Home Truths:
Hazel says her son is fashion-conscious, fastidious and occasionally arrives so early to visit her that she appears at her front door in a "possibly revealing" nightie. That might go some of the way to explaining the following:
Things to Check Before I Let Anyone See Me
1. Do I have any foreign matter in my teeth (ie cheese, coleslaw, beetroot)?
2. Do I have my frighteningly large breasts out of control and in full view?
3. Does my hair resemble a tightly knitted hat? If not, go for a cheap work-experience-type perm ensuring the girl doing it is no older that 14 ...
4. Ensure I'm wearing at least one home-made or home-repaired item of clothing.
5. Check tights contain at least three holes, ladders or both.
6. Always remember one item of clothing must be of bright garish colour, ie red shoes, violet socks etc.
7. Finally, just pick up meaty fork and go answer that door.
Additions if you suspect the visitor is a relative:
a. Put the chocolate biscuits in the back of the cupboard and the digestives on the table.
b. Sprinkle black bits in the tea pot.
c. Put the whiskers back in the butter.
d. Pretend you've lost something.
e. Use a table spoon instead of a tea spoon in the coffee.
f. Put a pan on with nothing in it, so they think I'm a danger.
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