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Richard is still struggling to sort out his feelings towards his father who died 7 years ago ...

"When I saw him dead in his bed at the hospital, I felt quite a lot of pity, because he’d wrecked his own life, and others with it. But fear is the major feeling I remember him for…" Richard's father was frequently drunk and often violent towards his only son. He had experienced rejection himself as a child - his mother had made it clear to him that as a child born some ten years after his brothers and sisters, he was an unwelcome addition to the family. Richard recalls his father as an intelligent man, "a natural mathematician - who became bitter and drank himself to death. He used to tower over me and shout a lot if I didn't get the right marks at school. After the funeral, I stood outside the crematorium and waited for the heat haze to think, 'he's finally dead.'

Richard believes that as a chronic asthmatic, he was a terrible disappointment to his father, "He really wanted, a naval, heavy drinking, woman-chasing son - I was the delicate weedy type, bullied at school - he didn't know how to cope with that." On one occasion, Richard's father, in a drunken mood, attempted to kill his son. Richard remembers "did a good line in pity, was very apologetic and persuaded me not to press charges." Richard regretted not doing so. His mother's response was to ignore the incident.

The relationship between the three, husband, wife and son was complicated. Richard's mother was also bullied, and fearful of leaving her husband. Richard believes she had good reason to feel this way, "If they had separated," he said, "my father would have been quite capable of extreme violence. He was one of those people you read about in the papers who takes everybody else's life, then commits suicide."

In trying to come to terms with the memories of his father, Richard, feels he that he should emulate his mother who, he says , regards the relationship with her husband as an unfortunate incident in her life and has gone on to do other things. However, the opportunity to talk openly about the relationship with his father, has a cathartic quality for Richard, "this is the major breaking point - I may have the strength to go forward and not feel self-pity. There’s probably very many people who’ve listened to this programme who’ve had the same problem and have managed to get on with their life."

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