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A Clean Act (continued)
Mike Barfield's trying hard not to swear in front of his young son...
Begins with 'B' and ends in 'ugger' was one of the first and milder oaths that Jacob attempted to copy, however, he was young, new to the task and didn't quite get it right.
The closest he came was 'ugub', an inversion of the original word unlikely to shock except, of course, when chanted mantra-like as Jacob was often so wont to do. Amusing and embarrasing in equal measure. I don't think I'll ever forget the experience of driving down the A1 with a tirade of "ugubs" coming from the back of the car. It was like being tuned to Baby Tourettes' FM. Now there's an idea for the people dishing out the wavelengths.
Anyway, since then I've struggled manfully to replace the word with a less offensive soundalike, 'Oh Butter!' you may hear me cry in moments of exasperation, 'Oh Biscuit!' 'Oh Buzzard!' They're none of them as good, but they do each offer the release afforded by that oh so comforting 'B' sound, which brings us to the 'P' word - the one that sounds like a punctured tyre. That became 'Pistols!' An innocuous enough near expletive, though there was no accounting for young Jacob's privately minted malapropisms. How proudly my wife and I listened one morning as our darling son explained what he was doing on the bedroom floor, "I'm pissing my digger over the carpet Daddy!" Needless to say, once the initial shock wore off, we pushed ourselves laughing.
But that was nothing compared to his subsequent attempts to say the word 'flicking'. He could have voice-coached Robert de Niro. And my wife was equally amused at the question posed by Jacob as they flicked through a picture book featuring a loveable cartoon fox. Extending a grubby index finger he asked in all innocence, "What's the foxy looking at? What's the foxy looking at?"
To be honest, hearing a boy barely one-year-old guillesly using the F-word, can be very very funny, but probably only when it's inadvertent, and indicative of a home-life less like TV's Royale Family, than that of our own dear Queen's. Which is why I now divert my annoyance at treading on Lego or walking around with a used disposable nappy stuck to my trousers into such alternative F-words as 'Fug!' or 'Fish-hooks!' or 'Fontanelle!'
You might be wondering why I need such alternatives at all. What about those old reliables, 'Cripes!, 'Crikey!', 'Golly gosh!' and the like? Good enough for Hugh Grant; good enough for any Englishman. Well, I've tried them, still use them occasionally, but when saying 'Flipping Heck!' merely results in a small child spouting their own misheard and contracted version of the phrase, what's a person to do!
So, when it comes to not swearing, all I can say is, I'm doing my best, and if anyone has problems with that, well, flick em!
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Have you tried to alter your behaviour or language for the sake of a relationship?
How successful were you?
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