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The Spoon Test
Phil Smith, new boy on the Home Truths block, believes that inanimate objects are alive and kicking ... us!
You’re at the kitchen sink. There’s a spoon lying there that hasn’t been washed-up. You turn on the tap. Just where do you have to place the spoon so that the jet of water hits it at just the right angle to deflect it all down your front and drench you? This is serious physics: laws of motion, curved surfaces, angles of reflection. And maths. With my scientific ability, I’d be there all day. The kitchen would be awash before I got it right, so why does it happen every time. Who’s moved the spoon into position? Who’s set up the exquisitely engineered water trap?
There can only be one answer, unless you’re filing for divorce: it’s the spoon itself. The little spoon, all alone in the sink, bored out of it’s tiny electro-nickle-plated-silver-mind, hours to wait before it gets the chance to dunk the next teabag, thinks: I know what I’ll do! And it wriggles and shuffles around until it’s in just the right spot. It probably gets help from the tap..’Hey, you up there - How am I doing? ‘Bit to the left mate. Right hand down. Whoa. You’re there. And that’s it. ‘
As soon as we acknowledge that inanimate objects are alive and possess a characteristic not listed in the biology book - Malice - the safer the world will be for all of us. Now, I’m not one of those media alarmists who would enjoy pointing out to you that, outside the safety of your home, nuclear power plants, aircraft wings, and whatever it is that’s supposed to hold the wheels onto your motorcar, are commonly regarded as inanimate objects. But are they? Has anyone ever applied the spoon test?
Wouldn’t it be better, just to be on the safe side, to give the occasional nod in the direction of this animism business? You can begin at home. Talk to the things in the kitchen, especially the spiteful ones, like the tin-opener and the carving knife. Let them know you know. Make peace with them. Give them extras things to do do that they don’t have time to brood. Spoons like to be played occasionally. Toggles chewed - ask any child. That door knob that catches your pocket when you pass and rips it open, it’s only asking to be noticed. Fondle it now and again. Domestic harmony isn’t just confined to people.
You may think I’m suffering paranoid delusions, but I’m used to being got at. And, hush, if you’re very quiet you might just hear that spoon stirring in the sink.
What relationship do you have with the inanimate objects around your home?
Which inanimate objects do you invest with a consciouness of their own and why?
How do friends and family react your actions?
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