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Watch out Country Life Magazine - Morris has heard about the survey where Shropshire came only 20th out of 37 counties... he is not a happy man. "If Country Life is an infected boil on ShropshireÂ’s peachy bottom, then I am the lance and a course of antibiotics."

No reply from Tuscaloosa news yet, they obviously do not realise the importance of my story.

I’m in quite a large city called Tuscaloosa, which, logically enough, is in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. The people here seem very busy, no one says ‘good morning’ to each other in the condensed fury of the morning dash to work. No one stops to chat about the weather, or parks their tractor to exchange local gossip.

IÂ’m following a man in a suit to see where he is in such a hurry to go, I feel today I need to stop trying to solve everyoneÂ’s problems all at once and concentrate on one lucky individual for the full-on Morris Telford treatment. HeÂ’s wearing a grey business suit, short dark hair, he has a brown briefcase and an embedded frown. I can barely keep up with him.

He just went into a tall office building, I’m standing next to him now in the lift, despite the fact I’m typing this on my palmtop, no one pays me the least attention. I said ‘good morning’ to everyone in the lift, mentioned what a fine and lovely day it was outside and the only response I got was averted eyes and a cough. The man in the grey suit is edging into the corner of the lift. For some reason lifts are called elevators in America, neither name is really accurate because as well as lifting and elevating, they drop and go down (or whatever the opposite of elevate is). It’s not a very fast lift.

Floor 17, the grey suit man is getting off, so am I. I have him alone in a corridor, I just shouted ‘excuse me, can I have a moment of your time?’ and he speeded up. I’m going to run after him.

ItÂ’s later now. I nearly caught up with the man in the grey suit, but didnÂ’t even get chance to explain that I had singled him out for a full-on Shropshire enlightenment experience. He locked himself in his office and called security.

I was forcibly extracted form the building by a very nice Security Guard called Boba who looks like Jamie Oliver might if he forsook his exotic and complicated SainsburyÂ’s cuisine for a steady diet of steroids and weightlifting. Boba was named after a Star Wars character "Boba Fett"; his parents were big fans of the films. Sadly both his parents were killed when he was quite young; they tried to recreate lightsabers using fluorescent tubes and had a nasty and quite fatal experience. Needless to say BobaÂ’s belief in the force has waned since then.

I asked Boba what he would change about his life if he could change anything? "My name" he said, which seemed quite a simple request, I explained to him that others judge us only by the limits they set themselves and he simply had to start referring to himself as something else to effect a change. I suggested the noble name ‘Morris’ and he thought it was a marvellous idea, so there is now a muscle-bound Jamie Oliver look-alike patrolling the offices of Tuscaloosa bearing my name. I gave him my UK Blockbuster video card as a starting point to the many possibilities that will now open up for him as they have for me and so many other Morris’s worldwide.

IÂ’ve received some very, very disturbing news.

As if George Bush, on the brink of war and not responding to my letters or Emails were not enough. As if the evils that pervade everywhere except mother Shropshire did not bear down on me sufficiently. As if the terrible suffering that people who do not live in Shropshire go through were not burden enough. As if the selfish attitude of ‘me first’ that I see every day on my travels were not challenge enough. I have just heard about ‘Country Life’ magazines article on English counties.

The inviolable reputation of Shropshire has been brought into question and all my other concerns must now be put to one side. Should ‘Tuscaloosanews.com’ contact me now, begging for exclusive coverage of my story, they will have to wait in turn, the uncannily accurate sights of Morris Telford’s anti-injustice gun are trained at the offices of ‘Country Life’ magazine in London. The crosshair is squarely on the forehead of Camilla Edwards. The survey article was by Sandy Mitchell, but the foundation of these terrible slurs, the research, that was by Camilla Edwards. I suspect Camilla lives in Devon (‘number one’ county on their list).

The moment I heard I sent this to Arabella Youens (arabella_youens@ipcmedia.com) , Country Life’s ‘News Editor’-

"I have heard your magazine did a survey recently that rated Shropshire as 20th out of 37 English counties.

Have you ever stood in a field near Moreton Say on a dew soaked Thursday morning and listened to the cows herald in a sunrise that would make Mike Tyson weep like a little girl? Have you ever walked the magical peaks and troughs of the land surrounding Market Drayton, your feet thanking you for every footstep on the perfect earth, your eyes thanking you for the marvel of surrounding beauty and your ears singing the praises of the gentle tranquillity mixed with a subtle yet superlative symphony of nature?

Have you ever even been to Shropshire?

Nought out of five for education, nought out of ten for arts, one out of five for wildlife diversity and only two out of ten for landscape value?

I would be cancelling my subscription to 'Country Life' immediately, if I had one.

Yours in disbelief, disgust and a genuine if grudging pity,

Morris Telford"

Nought out of five for Education? I myself was educated entirely within Shropshire and left school in 1986 with Three ‘O’ Levels and a CSE in Metalwork. My old Headmaster, Mr Bromley would be spinning in his grave if he heard Shropshire got nought out of ten for education, and if he were dead.

There are so many things wrong with the conclusions in this survey I can barely type for shaking my head. Nought out of ten for The Arts? Have they never seen the work of Martha Etigran? Martha lives near Oswestry and with just some paint and bobbly stick on eyes can transform a stone or large pebble into an amusing little creature. You often see her at craft fairs and can pick up an original Etigran for as little as 95p. Where else but the mighty creative empire that is Shropshire?

"Don’t listen to ‘some’ magazines, Shropshire is the finest place on earth."

"Do not buy any magazines with the word "Country" in the title, just in case they say untrue things about Shropshire and infect your soul with their nasty lies."

That last placard had to be written in quite small writing because of all the words which actually made it quite effective because people came closer to read it and I was able to engage them.

If Country life is a dark storm covering Shropshire, then I am the Weatherman. If Country Life is a disease ravaging the population of Shropshire, then I am the cure.

If Country Life is an infected boil on ShropshireÂ’s peachy bottom, then I am the lance and a course of antibiotics.

I checked as many newsstands and newsagents in Tuscaloosa as I could today. None of them seem to sell Country Life, just magazines and newspapers to do with Alabama and America, so my campaign seems to be taking effect.

I found somewhere that sold Country Life. Apparently it’s a ‘specialist’ magazine over here, the number of Alabama residents interested in a magazine about English country life is surprisingly limited. The shop refused to remove the magazine from circulation, even after I explained about the ‘best county’ survey.

So I just complained to the local constabulary, (they are called ‘cops’ over here, like in Starsky and Hutch) and they dismissed my protests. I am obviously on a lone crusade.

I came to a solution of sorts. I bought every issue of Country Life the shop had, both of them and burned them in the street outside, a public proclamation of my disgust.

Oddly, while complaining to the police did not get their attention, setting fire to two issues of Country Life in the middle of a main highway did. I was given a caution, a fine and it was suggested I leave Tuscaloosa at my earliest convenience. I think Country Life have bought the loyalty of Tuscaloosa law enforcement with the dirty money made from spreading their lies.

I caught a bus and slept for most of the journey. I apologised to the man sat next to me that I had slept the journey away and not had opportunity to tell him about Moreton Say and the saturating joy of Shropshire life. He was very understanding and said he didnÂ’t mind one bit.

IÂ’m going to stay in a hotel tonight.

Batman had the Joker, Superman had Lex Luthor, Penelope Pitstop had The Hooded Claw, Captain America had The Red Skull, The Fantastic Four had Galactus, Spiderman had Doctor Octopus, I have Camilla Edwards, she is the Anti-Morris. IÂ’m sure she is a lovely person, just misguided or misinformed and I feel it is my duty to educate her on the joys of Shropshire living. She is officially on my list.

IÂ’ve crossed George Bush off my list, I just saw him on the news and itÂ’s quite clear to me that he intends to start a war. I donÂ’t even think a nice holiday in Shropshire would dissuade him.