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Morris
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Morris's journey
Day One
Day Two
Day Three
Day Four
Day Five
Day Six
Day Seven
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Name: Morris Telford
Age: 33
DOB: 18/04/70
Occupation:Unemployed
Hobbies: Enlightenment, Philosophy, Bingo
Favourite
book – Ordnance Survey Map of Shropshire 1999 edition
Favourite
foods – Pickled Eggs
Favourite
film – Late For Dinner
Favourite colour – The delicate cyan of the dinnertime
sky in Moreton Say.
Favourite British County – Shropshire
Favourite Place – Moreton Say
Favourite Postal Code Area – TF9
Favourite radio
frequency - 96FM
Favourite sound – The gentle breeze rustling through the
leafy glades of Moreton Say
Favourite Clive – Clive of India
Favourite Iron Bridge - Ironbridge
Favourite adhesive note size – 75 x 75mm
Favourite Vegetable – Anything grown in the fertile soils
of Shropshire
Favourite band – *(shameless plug)
Biggest inspiration – |
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MESSAGES
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Is
Morris a madman, a genius - or both? Have your say on our
- and see what other people
are saying about him.
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We probably should have done more preparation before walking into
the Outback. I may have exaggerated my survival expertise when I was
chatting to Cherry, Brittany, Kylie, Chelsea and Amy in Alice Springs.
Now I think about it, it was shortly after I told them I was Ray Mears
brother that they asked if IÂ’d like to join them.
My
lips are cracked and dry like one of MotherÂ’s homemade biscuits
only without the smiley face made out of icing.
The five girls I am travelling with are struggling too; they started
hallucinating this morning, the four girls from the Beatles tribute
band started thinking they really were John, Paul, George and Ringo.
Kylie, the accountant, then started shouting at the sky saying she
was Jon Bon Jovi and demanding someone bring her some celery and
a hairdryer. IÂ’m new to Australian social situations but I
suspect this is not normal behaviour.
I know
who I am.
I am
Morris Telford and I shall prevail.
The flying doctor arrived a just two hours after I called him. John
had started to call me Yoko so he arrived just in time.
IÂ’m
in hospital again, I hope this doesnÂ’t become a theme of my
travels. Oddly, the Nurse here is called Margaret Drayton.
IÂ’ve been told IÂ’m not allowed to use my palmtop and phone
in the hospital so I might not be able to update much for a few days.
I have to borrow a white coat and sneak into the hospital garden to
type entries and keep getting disturbed by in-patients who think IÂ’m
a doctor.
IÂ’ve
cured three people just while typing this.
Looked in the hospital library for the Weetabix Book of Survival,
no sign of it anywhere.
They have increased the anti-psychotics the girls are on. Kylie no
longer thinks she is Jon Bon Jovi, she now thinks she is Sue Pollard.
A definite improvement.
I think they will let us go soon. After some minor encouragement from
me, the four Beatle girls tried to stage a concert on the hospital
roof, but the structure was unsound and they fell through the ceiling
halfway through Strawberry Fields and landed on an elderly man in
intensive care. Kylie came to the rescue and carried him to safety
shouting "Hi-De-Hi!".
The
blows to the head that the girls suffered as they fell seems to
have done the trick and they are once again coherent, lucid and
ready to follow my lead.
They let us out, I feel much better now.
My
experience in the Australian outback would be the sort of thing
that might put a lot of people off, but I do not balk from a challenge,
I shall not let the elements beat me. I am setting off right now
for Ayers Rock with the girls; I convinced them we must face our
demons.
To
be fair, we are taking a bus this time.
Sat
on the bus, IÂ’ve been reading the ´óÏó´«Ã½ message board.
A big
thanks to Melvin Bone for all the Australian travel advice. Unfortunately
by the time I read about Alice Springs being hundreds of miles from
Ayers Rock it was a bit late. Though apparently when the flying
doctors picked us up we were actually further from Ayers Rock than
Alice Springs is, if thereÂ’s one thing I have learned in Australia,
it is never trust a Ringo Starr impersonator to map-read for you.
The
"One spider lives under toilet seats and has the venom to kill
a horse" comment confused me, if it lives under a toilet seat
how did it end up biting a horse? Was it the seat of a horseÂ’s
toilet?
I also
take exception to this - "Devon looks three times as nice as
in Tarka the Otter making it 50% better than Shropshire by your
own reckonings". If you think Devon is actually three times
nicer than it looks in Tarka the Otter, then I must have only enjoyed
Tarka the Otter one eighth as much as most people and if you only
enjoyed it half as much as me then that makes Shropshire at least
four times better than Devon by anyoneÂ’s calculations.
I can
see Ayers Rock in the distance now. It looks a bit bigger than The
Wrekin.
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