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Name: Morris Telford
Age: 33
DOB: 18/04/70
Occupation:Unemployed
Hobbies: Enlightenment, Philosophy, Bingo
Favourite
book – Ordnance Survey Map of Shropshire 1999 edition
Favourite
foods – Pickled Eggs
Favourite
film – Late For Dinner
Favourite colour – The delicate cyan of the dinnertime sky in
Moreton Say.
Favourite British County – Shropshire
Favourite Place – Moreton Say
Favourite Postal Code Area – TF9
Favourite radio
frequency - 96FM
Favourite sound – The gentle breeze rustling through the leafy
glades of Moreton Say
Favourite Clive – Clive of India
Favourite Iron Bridge - Ironbridge
Favourite
band – *(shameless plug)
Biggest inspiration –
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Is
Morris a madman, a genius - or both? Have your say on our
- and see what other people
are saying about him.
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IÂ’m walking cross-country with my new travelling companion,
Barclay. We are looking for a place to buy a motorcycle because
Barclay insists it will change my life. IÂ’ve explained to him
that I donÂ’t want my life changing, I want to change other
peopleÂ’s lives but it fell on deaf ears.
Barclay is a little hard to talk to; he seems bitter or disappointed
most of the time, with the occasional period of heavy sighing and
eye rolling. IÂ’ve tried to cheer him up with amusing stories
of village life in Shropshire but to no avail.
Even
the story about the time my Aunt Felicity accidentally set fire
to the tea cosy failed to raise a smile from him.
I miss
the casual banter of my fellow Shropshire folk. No one I meet lately
wants to talk about bingo or farming or scones.
The sun
is shining on the tulip fields this morning as Barclay and I look
for somewhere that sells motorcycles. We are stopping at a small village,
no idea what itÂ’s called, to have some breakfast.
I asked
for a glass of water and some toast at the café where we
stopped for breakfast, Barclay had a full Dutch breakfast, which
is much like a full English breakfast except with more sausage variations.
ItÂ’s handy having Barclay to help me order food in Holland.
Single Dutch is double Dutch to me.
I paid
for Barclay who tells me he is ‘between jobs’. Apparently
he is a qualified air traffic controller. He doesnÂ’t get much
air traffic control work as he suffers from narcolepsy, which struck
me as odd because he also told me he has had narcolepsy since he
was quite young. So I asked him why he trained to be an air traffic
controller in the first place if he had narcolepsy?
Barclay
got terribly defensive at this point. He said he didnÂ’t see
why his disability should stand in the way of his dream to be an
ATC. I told him that that seemed to be the problem, he was dreaming
about being an air traffic controller instead of actually controlling
air traffic.
He
didnÂ’t speak to me much after that, he still managed to force
down the breakfast I had bought him though.
I must
get to know people better before I promise to buy them expensive
motorcycles.
Anyway
he obviously finds it hard to hold down a job in his chosen profession,
when he drops off and a few planes crash I imagine it reflects badly
on him. HeÂ’s sitting opposite me now, not speaking to me. It
gives me some time to type my journal though.
I expected
the water in the café to be bottled spring water, but all
I got was a glass of tap water and it tasted like it had been strained
through some old infected bandages. It made me think of the tap
water in Moreton Say.
Moreton Say tap water is like the very nectar of the gods, clear,
clean, fresh, like a little celebratory march of triumph across
your tongue. IÂ’m not sure if they add fluorine or chlorine
to it, but at some point in the process it has a little something
special added to it. Mother bought a Brita water filter once, it
actually made the water taste worse, and it filtered out that Moreton
Say tingle. Aunt Felicity told me it was something to do with toxic
waste seeping into the ground near our reservoir, but I didnÂ’t
believe her, I suspect itÂ’s some of that old Shropshire magic
working itÂ’s way into the plumbing.
Barclay
apologised to me this afternoon, I think it has something to do with
the motorcycle shop we stumbled upon.
BarclayÂ’s
mood has improved dramatically.
Yesterday
we bought a motorcycle. I say ‘we bought’, Barclay chose
it, and I paid for it. I had promised him I would and now I see
the childlike glee on his face, IÂ’m glad I did. I am a bit
concerned that this emotional high is not addressing his deeper
issues and he really does need to get himself to Shropshire really
soon, at least now he has the means of getting there quicker.
We
spent the best part of today going very fast around the Dutch countryside,
round knee scrapeingly sharp bends and down eye poppingly steep
slopes. Conversation was limited to Barclay screaming what sounded
like "spoedig cowboy duivel", which I think means something
like "speedy cowboy demon", but I could be wrong.
When
we stopped briefly to refuel, I asked him where exactly we were
going and he said, in what I think was a mock American accent "To
Holland back baby!!". IÂ’m quite confused by it all.
IÂ’ve
also noticed Barclay has developed a nervous tick since I bought
the bike, his left eyelid flutters and his head leans to one side,
it gets worse the more excited he gets. If I didnÂ’t believe
so firmly in the greater Salopian purpose of my life I might be
afraid of him, but I am secure in the knowledge that my mission
to tell the world about Shropshire is not yet over and therefore
I cannot die.
It has
occurred to me that a narcoleptic, manic-depressive with a nervous
tick and a man who believes he cannot die are not necessarily a very
good road safety combination.
I asked
Barclay again where we are going and I think I got the meaning this
time, he said, "To Hell and back, baby!!". He spent last
night painting a liquid paper skull onto my rucksack. I wasnÂ’t
very happy about him doing this, not only has he permanently defaced
my bag, but itÂ’s a terrible waste and incorrect application of
high-grade correction fluid.
I feel
like IÂ’ve been abducted by the twitchy one-man Dutch branch
of the HellÂ’s Angels.
We
did cover a lot of ground today, Barclay only fell asleep twice
and both times I was able to wake him up before we hit a bend in
the road.
Barclay
did offer to stop at a motel but I could hear dance music coming from
inside so we rode all night instead.
The past
few days have been a blur. Literally, a blur, IÂ’ve had an average
speed of about 120mph for the last three days.
I fell off the back of the motorbike about an hour ago now. IÂ’m
not sure if Barclay noticed I had fallen off, or if he deliberately
pushed me off, or if he was asleep and oblivious to everything, but
either way he hasnÂ’t come back for me yet.
IÂ’m dusty, bruised and stranded by a bleak looking road with
nothing but my palmtop and a bag with a crude skull liquid papered
onto it for company.
IÂ’ve had better days.
I scrutinised
my map of Holland and I canÂ’t quite work out where I am, so nothing
to do but keep walking until I see a sign of civilisation.
ThatÂ’s another of the good things about Shropshire, you are never
more than a few miles away from a pub, a newsagent or a farm. In Holland
the landscape just stretches out flat for miles on end without even
a Little Chef to break the monotony. IÂ’m
going to stop following the road and try walking across country more
to see what I come across.
I miss
home. I miss watching Ground Force and Countdown. I miss playing Scrabble.
Some days my epic journey of world improvement seems like a battle
against insurmountable odds. ItÂ’s like General CusterÂ’s
last stand, only with less American Indians and more windmills.
When
I was younger I used to watch "Champion The Wonder Horse",
an old black and white TV series about a wonderful horse called
Champion. I think there was a dog in it too. I remember watching
the horse gallop across the screen, saving people, righting wrongs.
I remember how disappointed I was when I found out it was all filmed
in America and not in Shropshire. I once wrote to the ´óÏó´«Ã½ suggesting
they do a UK version of the series set in Shropshire based on the
horse that lived in the field next to our house. It was going to
be called "Jonathan the Shropshire Horse", the ´óÏó´«Ã½ never
replied. It even had the right number of syllables in the title
to fit in with the theme tune of the American version.
Perhaps
my mistake was writing to the ´óÏó´«Ã½ in London, perhaps ´óÏó´«Ã½ Shropshire
would be interested, I think I still have some of my scripts at
home in Moreton Say.
I feel
a bit like Jonathan the Shropshire Horse today. Full of potential,
desperate to do something, save an attractive young lady that has
fallen down a well or drive a busload of underprivileged children
to Ironbridge for the day, but no opportunity arises to do good so
you end up standing in a field all day instead.
Feel
much better today.
After
walking for days I finally found some people. They call themselves
the "Rainbow Peace Community" and apparently they set
up in the mid-sixties as a social experiment and survived all these
years on a winning mixture of friendly, cooperative living, long
hair and a thriving worldwide demand for tie-dyed garments.
They
all seem to have names that begin with a colour and end with a creature,
the leader of the community is called Gold Dove, his second is called
Amber Puma, their children are called Saffron Weasel, Aquafortis
Goat, Vermillion Seahorse, Copper Mantis and Brown Cow.
I think
Brown Cow got the short straw there.
I get
to choose my honorary name during my stay here. I have chosen Cyan
Badger; it has a Shropshire ring to it. I think.
They
are a third generation community now and some of them have never
left the small insular society they were born into. I find this
sort of inhibitive upbringing very worrying, how will they ever
come to know the glory of Shropshire unless they are exposed to
the outside world? ItÂ’s all very well staying put if you are
fortunate enough to be born in Shropshire, but there really is no
excuse at all for parentÂ’s outside the West Midlands not allowing
their children the opportunity to discover Shropshire for themselves.
ItÂ’s just cruel.
They have
invited me to stay and I have accepted, for the moment. In a few days
I hope they will absorb my tales of Shropshire life, cut their hair
and become another outpost for the Cyan Badger way of living. We shall
see.
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