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IÂ’ve
had a very exciting day today.
IÂ’m
on a coach to Germany, though thankfully a good proportion of
my fellow passengers speak English and I have been able to lead
a rousing singsong medley of Shropshire based songs.
It took a while to get some of them to learn the words correctly,
but the emergency door is broken so they had little choice but
to sit and listen. I love a captive audience.
After
the singing came my anecdotes of Shropshire village life. I told
the one about Mr GantryÂ’s broken chimney pot collection,
he only had five but he loved them like children.
I covered the period from 1989 to 1993 when strange lights appeared
in the sky every Tuesday night and all the cows around Moreton
Say inexplicably stopped eating and whistled gently all night
long.
I also gave a lengthy talk on how much better life is in Shropshire
that went down very well with those still awake.
I genuinely think that I could have convinced the driver to turn
the coach around there and then and drive to Shropshire if it
hadnÂ’t been for the little sign that said we couldnÂ’t
talk to him.
The
coach driverÂ’s name badge says he is called "Ignatius",
not a name you hear very often.
The coach
has broken down. Ignatius, who bears a quite uncanny resemblance to
Keith Gordon in his Static and Christine days, before his hair fell
out and he became a director, is holding a spanner and tutting a lot.
Keith
Gordon is a really good director, I love Keith Gordon films, thereÂ’s
Shropshire blood in there somewhere, IÂ’m sure. Not sure if
Keith can drive a coach though.
An
increasingly large black cloud is coming from the side of the coach.
Ignatius calls the coach Lucy, after his maternal grandmother. This
is the only communication IÂ’ve had with Ignatius, when I asked
him why he kept stroking the side of the front wheel arch and saying
"Lucy, oh Lucy", I asked him why and he told me.
Since then all attempts at communication have been thwarted. Ignatius
has the little sign that says "Do not talk to the driver"
with him at all times and gets it out every time I try to ask him
something.
On one occasion, when I persisted, he pressed the sign into my face.
I sense he does not want to bond with me, perhaps he heard snippets
of my Shropshire anecdotes and fears if he hears more he will be
compelled to change his road warrior lifestyle.
WeÂ’ve
been stuck at the side of the road for over three hours now.
My fellow
passengers are tiring and getting restless despite my attempts to
keep their spirits high with continued tales of the good life in Shropshire.
One of the older ladies has covered her ears with her hands and is
rocking back and forth in her seat murmuring to herself. IÂ’m
sensing she is tired of my stories, you can sometimes have too much
of a good thing.
Ignatius has gone.
Without
saying a word to us, he walked up the road. Hopefully he has gone
for help, or petrol, or a mechanic, or perhaps he has just stranded
us all here in the middle on somewhere with nothing but four egg
sandwiches, half a Toblerone and an apple to sustain 29 people.
Either way, itÂ’s not very good customer service.
A large
man with ridiculous sideburns has appointed himself leader and is
taking a vote on whether we should stay the night. I voted yes, so
did 21 others so we are sleeping in the coach. What an excellent opportunity
to finish educating these good people about Shropshire and its inhabitants.
It was
cold last night and some of us shared body heat to maintain warmth.
I got a little closer than I really wanted to with a 46-year old German
pet therapist called Mavis.
I had
planned to stay up late telling rousing tales about Moreton Say
and its surroundings, but I was stopped before I got started by
a militant faction that seems suddenly anti-Shropshire. I think
I spotted a Devon accent in there somewhere.
Someone,
not sure who, has managed to get the coach running and we are on
the road again. I feel a bit like IÂ’m being hijacked. We passed
Ignatius walking back down the road and he waved his fists and screamed
at us as we flew by, I think he threw his little "DonÂ’t
talk to the driver" sign at us too. Personally I think we should
have stopped and picked him up, but I was outnumbered by the others.
The atmosphere
is actually quite tense on board the coach now. IÂ’m think IÂ’m
going to cheer everyone up with a few Shropshire based anecdotes.
I have a really good feeling about this whole situation.
HELLO.
MY
NAME IS MAVIS.
MORRIS
HAS ASKED ME TO BE WRITING HIS DIARY FOR HIM.
YESTERDAY
MORRIS TRIED TO TELL US HIS STORIES AGAIN.
IT
IS THE THIRD TIME WE HAVE HEARD ABOUT MRS GANTRY'S CHIMNEY POT COLLECTION.
IT MAKE SOME PEOPLE VERY MAD. THEY TIE MORRIS UP.
I AM A
PET THERAPIST. I CAN MAKE ALSATIANS HAPPY. ANIMALS ARE MUCH CLEANER
THAN HUMANS. ANIMALS ARE MY FRIENDS. MY ONLY FRIENDS.
TODAY
WE STOP FOR FOOD. HANSEL IS DRIVING NOW. I LIKE HANSEL HE IS A GOOD
MAN. HE PROMISES WE MAKE IT TO GERMANY.
I HAVE
BEEN COMBING MORRIS HAIR TODAY. I LIKE MORRIS. HE IS KIND MAN. I
LIKE HIS CLOTHES TOO. SENSIBLE CLOTHES. LIKE A TEACHER OR A FATHER.
MORRIS
SAYS TO TELL YOU DO NOT WORRY. MORRIS SAY HE CHUCKLES IN THE FACE
OF ADVERSITY AND HE IS A GIANT GOLDEN DRAGON OF FREEDOM OR SOMETHING
LIKE THAT. MORRIS SPEAKS IN A FUNNY WAY. I LIKE IT.
MORRIS
SAYS COUNTRY LIFE ARE BEHIND SOMETHING. I DONÂ’T UNDERSTAND HIM.
WHEN MORRIS TALK TO ME I FEEL LIKE A DIFFERENT PERSON. MORRIS IS VERY
SPECIAL. MORRIS TALKS TO ME LIKE HE KNOWS ME WELL. MORRIS WOULD MAKE
A GOOD HUSBAND.
SOME
OF THE WOMEN ARE CRYING. THEY ARE WEAK LIKE PUPPIES. I AM STRONG LIKE
A PEDIGREE HUNTER. ANIMALS ARE MUCH EASIER TO UNDERSTAND THAN HUMANS.
ALSATIAN NEVER HIJACK COACHES.
MORRIS
IS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING BUT HANSEL HAS TAPED HIS MOUTH. I
FEED MORRIS TODAY WITH STRAW THROUGH HOLE IN TAPE. CUP OF SOUP TOO
HOT FOR MORRIS. MORRIS BURN HIS CHIN.
MORRIS
MOTHER HAS RINGING ME ON MOBILE TELEPHONE. SHE WORRIED ABOUT GRASS
CUTTING. I TELL HER EVERYTHING JUST FINE NOT TO WORRY. MORRIS MOTHER
START ASKING ME IF I AM MORRIS GIRLFRIEND.
I SAY
YES. I LIKE MORRIS.
MORRIS
MOTHER BEGIN SHOUTING. I HANG UP.
MORRIS
MOTHER RING AGAIN. I TELL HER SHE NEEDS TO BE MORE LIKE CAT. RELAX
MORE AND ACCEPT THINGS.
MORRIS
MOTHER BEGIN SHOUTING AGAIN. I HANG UP.
POLICE
HELICOPTER IS FOLLOWING US NOW. WE DID NOT PAY FOR FUEL AT LAST STATION
AND THIS WAS A MISTAKE. HANSEL IS SHOUTING A LOT. MAYBE HANSEL NOT
SUCH A GOOD MAN. HANSEL DRIVING VERY MUCH FAST.
POLICE
CARS ARE FOLLOWING COACH NOW. MORRIS WAS TIED UP AND FELL OUT OF
HIS SEAT. I THINK HE MIGHT BE DEAD.
I LIKE
MORRIS. HE HAS SOFT HAIR LIKE BABY.
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