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The
Morris Telford archive. Read about Morris's previous
exploits, and find out how the adventure has unfolded.
Follow
Morris's journey
Day One
Day Two
Day Three
Day Four
Day Five
Day Six
Day Seven |
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| FACTS |
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Name: Morris Telford
Age: 33
DOB: 18/04/70
Occupation:Unemployed
Hobbies: Enlightenment, Philosophy, Bingo
Favourite
book – Ordnance Survey Map of Shropshire 1999 edition
Favourite
foods – Pickled Eggs
Favourite
film – Late For Dinner
Favourite colour – The delicate cyan of the dinnertime sky in
Moreton Say.
Favourite British County – Shropshire
Favourite Place – Moreton Say
Favourite Postal Code Area – TF9
Favourite radio
frequency - 96FM
Favourite sound – The gentle breeze rustling through the leafy
glades of Moreton Say
Favourite Clive – Clive of India
Favourite Iron Bridge - Ironbridge
Favourite adhesive note size – 75 x 75mm
Favourite Vegetable – Anything grown in the fertile soils of
Shropshire
Favourite band – *(shameless plug)
Biggest inspiration – |
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Communicate
with Morris via the - or look back through the archive
to find out what happened in previous weeks.
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I
slept really well last night, better than I have since I set out
from Shropshire to change the world.
I woke up with that feeling that I could tackle absolutely anything
that the world could possibly throw at me!
It may be that I have finally found a whole community of people
ready to accept everything I have to teach them about doing things
the Shropshire way. It may be that after so long travelling, I have
reached a place where people appreciate me. It may be that coming
here has re-affirmed my self-belief and given me new vigour in my
quest to change the world.
Or it may be that I slept so well because of the bed of flower petals
and multi-coloured feathers sprinkled with incense and fragrant
oils that the monks prepared for me; the constantly replenished
supply of freshly-drawn mountain spring water; the exotic selection
of peeled fruits within easy reach of my bed; and the gentle playing
of the mandolin from the monk perched on my balcony.
Whatever it was, I slept the sleep of the just and I feel fully
prepared for the meeting I have with the assembly of Shaolin monks
at noon today.
Some of the monks actually avert their eyes when I walk by, I asked
about this and it’s a form of reverence and not, as I first presumed,
because I am visually offensive to them.
The meeting
went well yesterday. They gave me an orange ankle-length robe to wear,
and at my request they sewed the shape of Shropshire into the back
of it in green silk. I hope they let me keep it.
The prophesy of the "frozen stranger" required me to give the monks
a task as a test of their obedience and loyalty. I had wanted them
all to travel to Shropshire straight away but on reflection, I saw
an opportunity for genuine progression of my cause and gave them a
task equal to their not inconsiderable abilities.
I asked the monks to build me an exact replica of Moreton Say. Basing
the design on my instructions, sketches and a few photos I have left
of me, they are going to recreate the splendour of the little Shropshire
village I was born in. But this time Moreton Say is not going to rest
secure in the heart of Shropshire, this new Moreton Say nestles on
the remote mountain slopes of China, a beacon of hope for any travellers
in search of a new life.
The monks began work yesterday straight after I spoke to them all
and I must say they are very keen. They have already shown me detailed
plans for a reasonable facsimile of my house and Sophia’s house and
are beginning work on a scale model of the parish church.
A party of twenty monks have been sent down the mountain to find out
about getting some tarmac for the main road and the blacksmith monk
is working hard on some authentic road signs - it’s all very exciting.
There is even talk of a bio-dome to recreate the climatic conditions
of Shropshire and some of the younger boy monks are now being trained
daily in speaking English in a fluent Shropshire accent (You too could
learn to speak Salop!).
I asked them for a projected finish date this morning and they have
just got back to me now as I sit in my room watching the sun set over
the snow-capped peaks outside. They estimate that they will have a
life-size copy of Moreton Say up and running by the end of August
2008.
It’s a bit longer than I expected but apparently a deadline is a very
important thing to a monk and they ensure me that on 31/08/2008 and
not a day later, a large chunk of the mountain range will be virtually
indistinguishable from Shropshire.
If I’d known I was committing the whole community of monks to five
years hard labour I might just have asked for a painting of Moreton
Say instead, or a nice tapestry, but what’s done is done and they
all seem very happy to have such a big project to work on.
I’ve given them meaning in their lives, and that surely is the greatest
gift you can give anyone. The monks refuse to let me help them in
anything but a supervisory capacity, which while an important position,
makes me feel a bit useless. I like to be actually doing things and
as anyone who has ever worked in an office will tell you, from middle
management upwards, no one actually does anything.
Managers go to meetings and talk about other people doing things.
They make long lists of action points, action plans, action mapping
exercises and other things beginning in ‘action’ to try and fool you
into thinking something, somewhere must be getting done. In fact they
haven’t achieved anything in decades and have only a very cloudy idea
of what it is they are supposed to be managing.
I don’t want to be like that, I want to do things.
Perhaps I’m being over-ambitious, but since the monks are doing such
a sterling job of recreating the idyllic locale of Moreton Say, I’m
wondering if I shouldn’t get them to keep going beyond 2008. Build
a replica of the A road to Market Drayton, then a replica of Market
Drayton itself, then Longford, Ternhill, Marchamley, then even Telford
and on and on until the whole of Shropshire is recreated in the Chinese
mountain ranges.
I was thinking this over, but then I saw that a couple of the monks
had already collapsed from exhaustion and thought better of mentioning
my ideas for further expansion just yet.
Today
I’m overseeing the beginning of some foundation building work of New
Moreton Say.
My team of kung-fu warrior monks are flouting Health and Safety laws
and not wearing hardhats on site, but since most of them can break
bricks with their foreheads anyway they are probably in less danger
of cranial injury than most building site workers.
My mother had some builders round in 1998 to build a new porch for
us. I remember there were three of them and they all wore bobble hats
and smelled of prunes.
They started work on the Tuesday, tore down the old porch with great
enthusiasm and made a little knee-high wall of bricks in a vaguely
porch-like outline. Then they went home with their 30 percent deposit
and we never saw them again.
I related this anecdote to the monks this morning and before I could
stop them, seven trained assassin monks had been dispatched to hunt
down the three men and bring them to justice for stealing from the
family of the frozen stranger. So if you are reading this and happen
to be a builder in the Shropshire area, I’d advise against wearing
hats with bobbles on or eating dried fruit.
Given that this is a five-year project I broke the news to them earlier
that I’m going to pop out for a few years and come back when it’s
finished.
They didn’t take this terribly well. There was a great deal of wailing,
beating of brows and tearing of undergarments, but fortunately as
the prophetic frozen stranger I wield supreme authority and they were
soon making travel arrangements for me.
I’ve left So in charge, and they have my phone number if they
need to ring me about anything.
The Shaolin
monks made an enormous fuss when I left.
I got out of bed at sunrise and it was getting dark by the time all
the music, banners, displays of martial arts, singing, plate balancing,
novelty acts and heartfelt reading of the prophesy of the frozen stranger
had finished.
I promised to return in five years and lead my people to the golden
land. I’ve put it in my Palmtop calender so I won’t forget. August
31, 2003 = "Alert- Remember to return to China, inspect New Moreton
Say and lead Shaolin Monks to the golden land."
I asked them not to follow me but as I sit in my sleeping bag here
on the mountainside I can see flashes of orange robe all over the
shop.
I woke
up this morning and found myself being carried along on a sort of
stretcher by a team of eight monks.
Considering my every word is supposed to be obeyed, I asked them why
they disobeyed me and followed me, they quite rightly pointed out
that they were not following me, they were carrying me, so I sat back
and enjoyed the ride.
I’m sitting back now, bobbing along the road to Shanghai, it’s very
nice. An old woman was sitting by the side of the road so I got the
monks to lower me to the ground. She seemed upset and I enquired why.
Apparently she is a big Doris Day fan and the only source of Doris
Day DVDs in the whole of China has suddenly dried up. I felt responsible
so I asked the monks to give her a lift home and she cheered up quite
a bit. As they raised her onto their shoulders she was warmly grinning
and clutching a copy of "Throw Momma from the Train".
It’s not far to Shanghai now so I’m walking the rest of the way .
I notice
that Sir Funkalot has left a message for me on the suggesting I visit Japan.
Since China is well under way to becoming the next Shropshire, it
seems like a capital idea to try my hand at the land of the rising
sun, so I’ve booked a flight to Japan.
At the travel agents I met two American men, Vince and Drew. Vince
looks like a young Jon Pertwee, but with twice the nose, and Drew
bears a quite startling resemblance to David Blaine, only without
the glass box surrounding him.
Drew and Vince got talking to me about my one man journey of enlightenment.
I told them about the monks I’ve been staying with and they seemed
sceptical, but nonetheless we went to have a coffee together at an
Internet Café in Shanghai.
They work in the "IT business". I explained to them that I have extensive
experience in lower level consumable procurement myself and we had
an ever so nice chat about recent innovations in laser printer technology
and toner quality.
Vince and Drew were very helpful yesterday. They gave me all sorts
of tips on how to raise my profile. They applauded me (literally,
they stood up and both clapped with genuine glee in quite a camp fashion)
for getting my daily journals on the ´óÏó´«Ã½ Shropshire website, but they
encouraged me to branch out into merchandising.
I’m not so sure myself. I noticed as they left me today that Vince
was wearing a watch on both wrists, I don’t know why but this troubled
me .
Vince
and Drew were very helpful yesterday and today they went to the trouble
of setting up an online store for me.
I sat with them in the Internet café and helped with some of the designs.
I’m very happy with the "I LOVE SHROPSHIRE" lunchbox (my idea), but
I have a few reservations about the "VISIT MORETON SAY" boxer shorts
(Drew’s idea).
My plane leaves for Japan tonight.
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