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A rollercoaster pregnancy

Katie enjoyed her pregnancy with Piper and hoped for a positive experience with her and Darren’s first baby.

But she struggled with anxiety and depression and bonding with her bump didn’t come easily. Baby Delta’s arrival at 34 weeks, weighing just 6lb 5½, was more overwhelming than joyful.

“We didn’t get to experience skin-to-skin contact at first – Delta had breathing difficulties and was quickly rushed away. When we finally saw her, she was covered in wires and needed oxygen. It was so crushing and when the nurses tried to explain, it didn’t feel any easier,” says Katie.

“I held her for the first time when she was one day old but didn’t get the feeling I expected to. It was hard to see past all the equipment, the binging and beeping sounds were scary. Every time something went off, I jumped. ‘Is my baby OK? What’s happening?’”

Delta remained in special care for over two weeks, in which time Katie was also readmitted into hospital with .“It was lush to finally bring Delta home and enjoy being together as a family,” says Darren. “We felt nervous and were constantly checking Delta was OK. But the experience of her birth bonded us as a tight unit.”

I held her for the first time when she was one day old but didn’t get the feeling I expected to.

Etta’s early arrival

“We knew we could handle anything life threw at us with our next pregnancy,” says Katie. “We wanted to make it count, because our last one had been so up and down. We encouraged Piper and Delta to bond with my bump – Piper loved singing to her new sister. I felt good this time.”

At 27 weeks, Katie experienced some bleeding and the couple went to their local hospital. At first it didn’t seem too serious but when contractions started, they were transferred to a hospital in Cardiff, which had a neonatal intensive care unit (NICU).

Etta was born weighing 2lb 10. “There are no words to describe our emotions, it was so unreal. We saw Etta for seconds before she went to the unit,” explains Darren. “We couldn’t touch her for the first two weeks, which was agony. But her medical team were phenomenal; explaining everything to us, allowing us to ask questions, always checking if we were OK.”

“We had to take it minute by minute, hour by hour. The nurses would call with updates when we weren’t in the unit. Every time the phone rang, we panicked,” adds Katie.

Etta spent 12 weeks in hospital and faced several setbacks, including sepsis when she was 5 weeks old. Bonding with her had individual challenges for Katie and Darren. Katie grappled with guilt that she couldn’t carry Etta to full-term. And in wanting to see Etta and Katie bond, Darren kept his distance. “Once we could touch and hold her, I wanted Katie to experience all the skin-to-skin opportunities,” he explains.

When Etta finally came home, weighing 4lbs, Katie and Darren’s happiness was tinged with worry. “It’s like my mind and body knew that she still should’ve been in my belly. I was so protective and wanted to be with her all the time. I didn’t want anyone touching her apart from us,” says Katie. “And because Darren didn’t hold Etta much in hospital, she wasn’t used to him. She’d cry and he’d say ‘Kate, she doesn’t like me!’ and hand her back.”

With time, patience and a strong support network, they gradually settled into parenting Etta. “The experience was intense. But we learned to read each other better. We knew how each other was feeling,” says Katie.

It’s like my mind and body knew that she still should’ve been in my belly. I was so protective and wanted to be with her all the time.

Their growing family

Although Katie and Darren talked about having a big family, their next pregnancy was still a surprise. “It came a month after we said we’d wait a year or two!” says Darren. “But we knew we could get through anything after Etta’s birth.

Darcia arrived around 37 weeks, weighing 8lb 2. This time they thought she’d be coming home straightaway but their joy turned to panic as the medical team struggled to get her breathing.

“She spent two weeks in the special care unit. We couldn’t believe we were back there. We felt more prepared but it was still a strange experience. The sounds of the machines brought everything back and because of coronavirus restrictions, we couldn’t visit her together, which was tough,” explains Katie.

Darcia came home on Christmas Eve – “the best Christmas present ever,” says Darren.

After everything they’ve been through, they’re relishing family life – part of their motivation for applying to be a Tiny Happy People Family. “We can’t wait to learn more about our girls’ development and share our experiences with other parents.”

Bonding with your premature baby: Katie and Darren’s advice

“It’s hard to give one-size-fits-all advice because everyone’s situation is different,” says Katie. “But we want other parents to know that they’re not alone.”

Concentrate on the here and now

“We dealt with so much uncertainty – with Etta it was two steps forward, four steps back. She still has lots of aftercare now. But we’ve learned to be in the moment,” says Darren. “You have to deal with new emotions and experiences every day, so take one day at a time.”

Get involved with your baby’s care

“It’s nerve-wracking, but when you’re able, try to help with nappy changes and tube feeds on the baby unit,” recommends Katie. “With Delta, I expressed my milk and fed her, which was so good for bonding.”Enjoy the closeness of skin-to-skin time when it happens, adds Darren . “Over time, it becomes a nicer experience to hold them because you feel more confident,” says Darren.

Find other ways to connect

“When your baby’s in special care, you miss the everyday chances to bond you’d get at home. But you can still talk to them, sing and take photos,” says Darren.

Ask questions

“Neonatal staff are amazing – they feel like family. Ask them to explain what’s happening, it can put your mind at rest. And if you’re not comfortable talking to one medic, ask another. Not all nurses and doctors are the same,” recommends Darren.

Celebrate special milestones

With Etta in particular, marking milestones was vital, says Katie. “With every achievement or experience, the nurses would thread a ‘hope’ bead onto a cord. If she had a blood test, gained a pound, when she opened her eyes, everything. They also created a diary for her.”

Talk about your difficult feelings

Katie and Darren have faced some challenging emotions – and many persist now. “My advice is don’t hold anything back. Talk about what you’re experiencing. Cry if you need to cry. Just go with your body’s emotions.”

Get siblings involved

“We talked to Piper about what was happening throughout every experience, and then Delta and Etta too. We encouraged them to bond with my bump each time. We thought there might be jealousy between them but there wasn’t – and we think it’s because they were given the opportunity to bond too,” says Katie.

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