Rule 3:
Use words that no-one else could possibly understand.
For instance; in a casual conversation with another surfer try the following line:
"Dude, the surf is real twangee today, too much oscillatory reverse tidal shift. I couldn't get any hydrodynamic flanging from my stick at all".
Your fellow surfer will, no doubt return you a look of glazed admiration in deference to your 'guru-ness'.
Rule 4: Learn to forecast.
Surf forecasting is the simplest thing in the known Universe and one of the few things that you can never get wrong. You must base your forecast on a fictitious secret spot of your own choosing to avoid potentially embarrassing comparisons with conditions at a genuine surf spot. It is also worth calling all your predictions vaguely as "2ft".
In that way, if it is bigger you can appear un-phased, and mention the years you spent in Oz. If it is smaller, no-one will remember. They will be too peed off as they put the phone down on an overpriced, over long, prosaic designed to get you in the shop surf reporter's location at Tig y Ffocuf Beach, Gower.
Alternatively, you could assume super-guru status and merely mock the predictions of other surf guri (plural of guru, in case you lost concentration and missed it earlier).
Rule 5: (most important) Get yourself a genuine spiritual friend (unless of course you are Oriental, in which case you've got it made).
Everyone knows that oriental folk are divinely spiritual, unlike western races who have spent far too little time in contemplation and far too much time acquiring the latest fad running shoes, killing things, and invading parts of the globe that have nothing to do with them.
By hanging out with, an Oriental mate, you will of course appear connected to a source of spirituality that is central to the guru's 'cosmic one-ness' with all things. Some nationalities with a great spiritual tradition are China, Thailand, Japan, Vietnam and Myanmar/Burma (except of course you are unlikely to come across a national of Myanmar, as they are not let out very often). Some other ways of enhancing your spirituality are as follows:
Deny yourself food for a month, whilst sitting naked on a cold rock on Pen y Fan mountain in February.
Eat miscellaneous wild plants until you discover one with mind-altering properties but please avoid: Deadly Nightshade, Death Cap, Destroying Angel (for obvious reasons - if those reasons aren't obvious to you, then I am surprised that natural selection hasn't already removed you from existence), and Wild Watercress (it is favoured by the Tape Worm).
Wear an over-sized nappy, focus on your breathing and repeat the word "Ommmmmmmmm" for several years without interruption.
Try Origami lessons but note that from my experience - you're more likely to meet a rounded old lady who smells like the post office on pension day, than a Japanese paper folder!
One last tip - Lads, grow yourself some weird facial hair. A mushroom like growth beneath your bottom lip will give that appearance of mystic-ness essential to any self respecting surf guru.
Girls - Either opt for the stick on tuft, or alternatively grow your under arm hair to get that earthy look, preferred by women throughout continental Europe.
So my Padawan Guri - if you haven't got it by now, I give up! Go forth and multiply...
This article in no way portrays, symbolises, caricatures, or takes the mick out of any person, persons, other individual, group of individuals, race, creed, country, colour, animal, vegetable or mineral, company or corporation, deity, demi-god, alien life form or any form of artificial intelligence either in reality or virtuality, and shall not be construed in such a manner as to infer the aforesaid non-implication. No gender stereotyping or bending is implied; the term "guru" being a sexless term of amorphous origin.
