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Top 5 - It's Party Time!

• Fraser M
• 21 Nov 06, 06:10 PM

We're having a party to celebrate the end of TOTP Online and the start of the Chart Blog...look what tasty dishes we're serving up...

No. 5: Jelly Furtado
No self-respecting party is complete without a great big bowlful of the wobbly stuff all shaking and vibrating on the plate (easy there, Knowles, we'll get to you in time). Naturally our one is in the shape of that promiscuous girl, and it seems to have gone down a storm with the all-star guests.

We overheard Tom McFly and Pete Wentz swapping tips on jelly-guzzling over in one corner. Tom was showing Pete how you can slurp it off your spoon through a tiny hole in your mouth, and Pete said, impatiently "man, eat her!", to which Tom replied "well, OBVIOUSLY, but how?", and then Pete said "like a bird!". Seriously, that's how they talk...


No. 4: Justin Timbercake
Some people wanted a fruitcake, but the Michael Jackson bakery said theirs weren't as good as they used to be (something about the icing on the front starting to melt off), and then they told us to beat it.

Some people wanted an arctic roll, but the suppliers of that particular confection won't have anything to do with the Pops as they claim we cheapen their indie credentials, or something. And some people wanted a Victoria sponge. Well, one person. And he was outvoted on the grounds that he has a silly voice. Which left one option, a great big Sexy-Back-Forest Gateau. With an extra creamy sauce. And ladles-full of juicy goodness. Ladies only, apparently...


No. 3: Blancmange Knowles
Told you we'd get to you in the fullness of time, young missy. Just as you can't make an omelette without breaking wind...is it wind?...no...EGGS, that's it!. Just as you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs, you also can't make a trifle without a layer of cooled custard.

It keeps the jellyfruit from annoying the creamytop, and stops them naughty sponge fingers from nicking all the chocolate buttons off the top. Naturally, this has nothing to do with either Beyonce, her career, or her appearance at our party. This is largely because she's sitting in the VIP area - which is a roped-off corner of the village hall, next to where the chairs are stacked - staring at her shoes and peeling pastry off sausage rolls and then eating them with maple syrup. Weird woman.

No. 2: Semolina Aguilera
On every table of party food, there is a dish which no-one will eat. Sometimes it's a bean dip, sometimes it's sprouts, and in really extreme cases it's something WAY GROSS like tripe and jam fritters. At the Pops party, it's this waxy brew, which is orangey-brown on the top, white underneath, and served in a really dirrrty bowl, resting on a pair of pants.

Course, there's always a few hardcore fans who'll claim it's the best thing they've ever tasted in their lives. And actually, when you try it, you realise there's a lot about it which is incredibly tasty and nutritious. It's just the way it looks which puts party people off. Maybe if it was re-made to look like the semolina they used to have in the olden days, and served in a genuine 1940s brass soup tureen, everyone would love it then.


And straight in at No.1...Custed
Everyone's in a bit of a state about this last course. The original plan was to have loads and loads of custed for everyone. There was gonna be at least three more courses of custed, with loads of new flavours and everything.

But then, quicker than you can say 'What I Go To School Dinners For', all of the custed was taken away, and we were left with two replacement puddings, Angel Delightstar and Plum Of Dork, plus the late offering of something called a 'Flat Willis', which looks like a treacle tart, only covered in vines and bugs and nasty jungle mess. Frankly it just wasn't the same, and we all had to make do with some apple McPie with cream instead. Luckily it was lovely, and the party was SAVED!

Read the TOTP Online Top 5 archive...