Album Reviews You Can Shop To
It's always the biggest headache of the entire festive season. There are your friends who you know and love and who you could buy presents for in ten seconds flat because you just know the exact thing that they would love to have, and you already know about everything they've got because you spent so much time with them either in your room talking about what they've got or in their room looking at what they've got...(PAUSE FOR MASSIVE INTAKE OF BREATH)...and then there's everyone else.
So, in the spirit of hand-helping, here's a list of CANNOT FAIL present ideas for people who you don't know quite as well as the people we were just talking about above. And as a bonus feature, they're all new albums in the shops, so it's unlikely anyone will already have the selection ChartBlog has picked for them already.
A GIFT FOR YOUR GRUMPY BROTHER
Eminem Presents 'The Re-up'
Pros: Eminem and friends gather round a roaring fire (made from the roasting scalps of their many enemies, or Eminemenies, as they should really be called) to toast the festive season with a lot of swearing, grumpiness, outrageous claims of sexual conquests on A-list celebrity women, shouting, and general stroppy street poetry. Fiddy does his happy dance.
Cons: How old is your brother? 13 and under? You'd be grounded FOR EVER if you got him this.
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A GIFT FOR YOUR NAN
Emma Bunton - 'Life In Mono'
Pros: It's that nice Emma off Strictly Come Dancing, and it contains that nice version she did of the old '60s hit 'Downtown'. Plus covers of other nice old songs which will make your nan feel like the past still has a place in modern-day life despite 'the internet' and 'oven-ready chips' and suchlike...
Cons: If you've a groovy gran, she'd rather you got her Lily Allen.
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A GIFT FOR YOUR WAYWARD AUNTIE
Mary J Blige - 'Reflections - A Retrospective'
Pros: It doesn't matter how tough a life your auntie tells you she's had, there's a song or five on here which will speak directly to her inner pain, and then stroke it a bit, and pat it on the head and offer it a biscuit. 'Family Affair', 'Not Gon' Cry', 'No More Drama', hell, even her version of U2's 'One' is a stone-cold tear-jerker. You'll be set for all the spare fivers she has for YEARS if you get this right.
Cons: She might just want to forget her troubles and ROCK OUT to the Feeling. Yeah!
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A GIFT FOR YOUR 'TRIES TOO HARD' UNCLE
Gwen Stefani - 'The Sweet Escape'
Pros: He'll have already downloaded all the songs weeks ago. And the remixes. And he'll have gone off and downloaded all the songs everyone who worked on the album has ever done too. They're in his brand new mp3 baseball cap and sound system, just waiting to be set loose. BUT he won't have the CD yet.
Cons: Don't tell him ice-cool Gwen has clearly decided to become a luke-warm Fergie. His little face will fall down to the floor and never come back up.
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A GIFT FOR YOUR MEATHEAD COUSIN
The Game - 'Doctor's Advocate'
Pros: It's got lots of tales of seedy nastiness, just like the Eminem album. But there's only one bloke doing most of the work, and he's got a tattoo on his face. Whoo! Scary, eh? And your cousin will already know that there's clever work by Kanye West, Busta Rhymes and and Snoop Dogg on here too. So it's like a Christmas card from a hard gang he wants to be a member of, or something. Grr!
Cons: He's going to want the Eminem album, y'know...
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NEXT TIME: Compilations!
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