大象传媒

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Misery Bear made a video for Comic Relief and this is the furry little fella's diary of what happened on the shoot...

5am: Alarm call. The guys at Comic Relief and the 大象传媒 had promised me a cab, but then it turned out that it would be too expensive, so they asked me to get a bus.

It鈥檚 quite a long journey from where I live to where the shoot was, so it actually ended up being three different buses.

On one of them, a drunk man sat next to me and told me he was going to eat me. I lost my travel card on the second bus, so I had to pay again for the third bus. Maybe the drunk man stole it. He was mean. And who drinks at six in the morning? Not even I do that.

8am: On set. Turns out I wasn鈥檛 needed till 10am, so I needn鈥檛 have got such an early start. So yeah, I end up milling around on my own for two hours while the idiots who make these films with me set up all the stuff. Still, I managed to sneak a bacon roll for my breakfast. Also smoked about nine fags.

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10:30am: My co-star arrives. I hadn鈥檛 met Kate Moss before and I have to admit I was a little bit nervous. I never miss an issue of Vogue, so to have the privilege of working with a girl who鈥檚 graced the cover more times than I care to remember, well鈥� I was honoured, I can tell you.

And you know what? We got on. We were both a bit wary around each other for the first couple of scenes. I鈥檝e acted many times in the past so I could tell Kate was a little wary of making a faux-paw in front of me, but she held her own very well, and as soon as we got our groove things went swimmingly. Although Nat and Chris were very unprofessional 鈥� they kept giggling and blushing like schoolboys as soon as she got there.

12pm: After our tenth cigarette break, Kate and I decided that it would be a good idea to crack open some of the booze that was being used for props on the shoot. We both share a fondness for fine wine and spirits, and soon we were clinking glasses as we performed our roles.

Richard Curtis, who people tell me is an important man but I hadn鈥檛 heard of him, popped in to see how the shoot was going. In a lull between takes, Mr Curtis took me to one side and called me "deeply unprofessional" and "stupid" for drinking on set. I felt a bit humiliated, and I couldn鈥檛 help but notice he didn鈥檛 tell Kate off too.

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2pm: Despite mine and Kate鈥檚 amazing performances, the directors continually failed to get the shots we needed for this important short film.

I mentioned to Jon, the producer, that they were probably not the best people to use, considering how important Comic Relief is and that we鈥檙e trying to raise money here. He agreed but said it was too late to fire Chris and Nat. Also, in between takes I tried to get a look down Kate鈥檚 top and she caught me looking. But it was okay, she didn鈥檛 seem to mind.

11pm: Not quite sure what happened in between, but we wrapped the shoot at 3pm, went for 鈥渁 quick drink鈥� to celebrate it, and next thing I know it鈥檚 kicking out time, Kate鈥檚 clambering into a taxi and a paparazzi man is taking a photo of me as I鈥檓 vomiting in the gutter.

Really no clue what happened in the afternoon, and I can only assume I was sick from food poisoning, or stress. Not sure if I tried to kiss Kate or not while we were out celebrating. Hope I didn鈥檛. I know she鈥檚 getting married soon and I don鈥檛 want to get in the way of her happiness, but it would have been nice to have a quick snog.

I did get a text from her at 2am though. It just said "although I loved working with you, little bear, please never contact me again."

Hmmm, maybe I did go for that snog鈥�