大象传媒

Geneva

Uefa's headquarters on the shores of Lake Geneva boast the best toilets I have ever seen.

I've heard massively good things about the technology involved in the cleansing procedure of your Japanese water closet but I cannot comment as I've not experienced that particular delight.

What I can say is that the hygiene shield that ensures backside never touches seat in the Uefa toilets is a scientific marvel.

You simply press a button and a fresh plastic covering immediately emerges, instantly erasing from your mind any fears about the predilections of the previous incumbent. The next stage of this hygienic evolution is to solve the age-old problem of the pub peanut. After a few beers, the bowl on the bar might look deliciously tempting but you know you're heading for trouble.

It was all a far cry from the agency I used to work for in Leeds many years ago. The toilets were known as traps - a lot of our business was dog racing - and every morning the boss disappeared to number four with his Racing Post under his arm and cup of tea in his hand. Studying the form can take a while.

Uefa's HQ, in the town of , is all clean lines, light spaces and modern technology. It is so subtlety designed - garden on the roof, which is at ground level from the road (don't ask) - that were it not for the myriad signs alerting you to its presence you would drive straight past.

The European Cup, Uefa Cup and the Trophy can all be seen from reception, and the staff eat lunch on a terrace with dancing with the clouds in the distance.

By the way, I noticed that the name of Manchester United has yet to be engraved on the European Cup.

Roman Emperor founded Nyon before he marched on to conquer another swathe of Europe. Shrewd choice. I could not think of a more restorative place to hang out for a while before bringing another nation to heel.

Michael Schumacher lives up the road in Gland, complete with nine-hole golf course in his garden, while Shania Twain and Phil Collins are also thought to be resident in the area.

When I was preparing to vote for the first time in my life, I received a letter from the Conservative party that was presumably aimed at the younger populous. The letter informed me that if Labour won the next election the likes of Collins and Jim Davidson would leave the country. Nuff said.

The friend who showed me round Uefa told me he had once been in a queue and was absolutely sure he knew the man in front but could not quite place him.

A polite enquiry resulted in the reply: "I am Alain Prost. I used to be a Formula One driver."

At times, living out here must be like walking into Stella Street, only everyone is for real.

Just a shame that Switzerland could not prolong their participation in Euro 2008.

A well-known brand of chocolate bar changed its name to Hopp, as in "Hopp Schwiz" (Go Switzerland), ahead of the tournament, but it's not looking like the wisest of marketing moves now.

It cannot be good if the best of the two host nations is the first team to be eliminated, although I don't think the Swiss will lose too much sleept. In a perverse sort of way, it is Swiss efficiency at its very best: Knocked out in the shortest time possible.

No such worries for Portugal. I saw their on Wednesday, and the vibrancy of their fans brought memories of flooding back when the host nation caught a bad dose of football fever. On second thoughts, maybe we shouldn't go there.

After the match, I managed to grab a word with defender Ricardo Carvalho, who repeated that will be sorted out after the tournament.

"You'll see after the tournament," he said.

"So something might happen?"

"Yes."

No mention whatsoever of Luiz Felipe Scolari becoming the .

Talking of Scolari, he points hither and dither while he's in his technical area, like a harassed parent trying to keep his kids under control down the multiplex. I, for one, think he will be great value to the Premier League.

As for Cristiano Ronaldo, his presence guarantees a strong female presence in the interview area, all hoping for a glimpse.

As he walked past me, I managed to get exactly one word out of him. It started with 'N' and ended in 'O'.

On reflection, I couldn't really complain since I'd asked if there was any chance of a quick word.