Paper Monitor
09:45 UK time, Friday, 12 December 2008
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Has there ever been a more poignant front page than that of today's Financial Times?
Forget sad-eyed dolphins a la the Independent (which ditches the melancholy sea-life in favour of a steely-eyed Angela Merkel), what pulls at the heartstrings is the FT's big picture of a lone pair of pink slippers dangling on the stripped-bare shelves of Woolworths.
The headline itself is a masterwork of understated pathos, and sits firmly within the genre of mini-story in its own right (Paper Monitors passem).
"The Pick 'n' Mix [sic] has been cleared, the Nintendos have gone, and just a few forlorn items litter the shelves. Woolworths holds its last sale."
Sniff. I'm not crying. That's just rain on my face.
Shopping has long been the national pastime, and now, as ailing retailers abound, it has become a bloodsport. The huntsman's bugle has been replaced by the rattle of steel shutters rolling up. The stamping of hooves is now the pawing of Ugg boot-clad feet.
And foxes rest easy - the quarry is the last Island Princess Barbie cowering on a shelf at the back of the store.
The Daily Mail, its finger as ever on the pulse, bellows: "Our guide to the best bargains in ALL the most desperate sales". Where last month its banner bore a single blood-red poppy, it now bedecks this spot with a blue lozenge bearing the legend: "We'll help you beat the credit crunch".
Over on the Daily Star, it's almost a case of "what global financial crisis?" The lead concerns the X Factor. Another headline mentions a certain supermodel's rock 'n' roll lifestyle. And there is a fetching young filly who appears to have forgotten her top. And bra. And skirt. And coat. And isn't this scarf weather, m'dear? But there, in a tiny top corner, is the headline: "Greedy Yanks loot our stores."
Not that the credit crunch is biting much at the heels of the FT's gravity defying glossy How to Spend It supplement (name checked in ), which is as chock full of ads for diamond-encrusted timepieces as ever. Although perhaps all is not what it seems at How to Spend It HQ. How else to explain a feature which begins thus: "Migraines, backache, constant fatigue? Amy Copehalnd looks for a cure at a discreet Swiss clinic."?
Meanwhile, the Daily Sport has scored something of a coup. It's new political columnist will be... Lembit Opik. His Friday columns will, reports say, "provide news, views and what's happening in the world of politics".
Paper Monitor does not wish to cast aspersions on the interests of Sport readers, but even those with the most cursory knowledge of Mr Opik's life and times will expect him to drop in the odd cheeky mention of parties thrown for the opening of an envelope.
And finally, a gold star for the Times, for its front page strapline "Don't cry for me R2-D2" (a lovely line, no?) in reference to plans for a Star Wars musical. Turning to page four as directed, Paper Monitor is crushed. "Diehard fans may dream of Jedi Knights serenading Jabba the Hutt and C-3PO singing 'Don't cry for me, R2-D2' but they are likely to be disappointed."
Sniff. Now I'm crying.
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