大象传媒

This week, I was lying in an operating theatre. My arms were tied down with an anesthetic mask strapped to my face when I started doing ASL finger-spelling sign language.

鈥淟ook, she鈥檚 signing.鈥� one of the nurses said.

鈥淚t鈥檚 so pretty.鈥� another commented before asking, 鈥淒oes anyone know sign?鈥� No one did.

鈥淪till, it鈥檚 a very beautiful language.鈥� They all agreed.

What I was signing was: 鈥淚鈥橫 AWAKE!!!!! PLEASE DON鈥橳 START!鈥� (I am terrified of being operating on while awake.)

That incident is exactly the difference I am getting between my viewpoint (I am tied down, terrified, unable to speak due to the mask and I can鈥檛 see where the scalpels are) and others鈥� viewpoint (Isn鈥檛 that pretty).

Over the last few weeks many, many people have told me that 鈥淚 have a great attitude.鈥� I have been told by people with long term disabilities and those who work with people with disabilities that 鈥淚鈥檓 dealing so well鈥� or 鈥淵ou鈥檙e so positive, it鈥檚 inspiring.鈥� The Red Cross workers told me, 鈥淚鈥檝e never met someone coping so well, you鈥檙e amazing!鈥� Now, these people may think that but I (and I hope you) know better; I鈥檓 tired, scared, self absorbed and cranky. But I make a lot of jokes. I make people laugh instead of feeling sorry for me. I do it because a) I am a sick twisted person and b) because I am afraid.

A few days ago one of my home care assistants became convinced I was going to die in the near future. She turned to me with concern on her face, 鈥淭he most important thing now,鈥� she said leaning in and putting her hand on my shoulder, 鈥渋s to let Jesus into your heart.鈥�

Personally I find nothing more terrifying than a young evangelical standing over you in your own home refusing to take a hint and leave. She told me, 鈥淭he relationship with Jesus is both eternal and unchanging.鈥�

鈥淩eally?鈥� I said, 鈥淏ecause Jesus and I have been dating and I sort of wanted to take it to the next level but if you say he鈥檚 鈥榰nchanging鈥�....鈥�

Nothing slowed her down. Not only did she pull out her own bible but started searching through my books to see if I had one. So why did I make jokes instead of telling her to leave? Why did I not call up her supervisor when she stayed on an extra hour to convince me of the immediate need of accepting the burning love of Jesus Christ (鈥淲hen you put it that way, actually I'm already in a lot of pain鈥︹��)? I did it because I was afraid. Afraid that home care would send her back (they did, the next day) and she would be angry and deny me care; afraid that I would anger the home care agency and they would not send people when they promised. Just afraid.

I am not used to being physically dependant. Being in a situation where if someone is upset at me, I can鈥檛 change clothes or eat is unnerving. Someone asked me this week, 鈥淵ou seem pretty extreme (toward your body), if you weren鈥檛 disabled, do you think you would be more active or less?鈥�

I gave them the 鈥榣ook鈥� and said, 鈥淚 used to train for marathons on the basis that if I didn鈥檛 pass out at the finish line from internal bleeding, I wasn鈥檛 really trying.鈥�

鈥淎h!鈥� they took a step back.

I鈥檝e never been a gifted athlete, but I鈥檝e always been 鈥渋n control鈥� of my body (if by 鈥渋n control鈥� one means dishing out abuse levels of exercise on a regular basis). Before and now is summed up by this; I slept on the floor for 10 years, now I sleep in a hospital bed. And physically depending on people, on 鈥渁gencies鈥�, on medicine, on assistive devices is scaring me. Okay, I鈥檒l admit it; 鈥淒oes not play well with others鈥� might have shown up a few times on school report cards. 鈥淒oes not respect authority figures鈥� showed up too (along with a few parent-teacher meetings).

At 7:00 am Monday morning, I鈥檓 asking the nurses and the surgical team, 鈥淒id anyone here party a lot last night? Any hangovers?鈥� Seriously. The surgeon came to reassure me and the first thing I said? 鈥淎re you a morning person? Would you consider this early? Do you find it hard to focus in the morning?鈥� Everyone laughed. They thought I was making jokes.

Okay; being dependant scares me, which means I don鈥檛 stand up for my rights as a client and a human being. Instead I make jokes. Isn鈥檛 the first step admitting you have a problem? So what鈥檚 the second step?

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