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Tom Fordyce

Toulouse, la trek (48)

Condom, again - We should have known that something bad was afoot when we both woke up on Wednesday morning from jaw-clenched technicolour nightmares.

Mine involved hitting a furious Brian Ashton in the face with a misplaced spin-pass, while Ben鈥檚 saw him steal a VW campervan belonging to Steve Coogan before inadvertently driving it backwards off a cliff.

Yet nothing in the first few conscious hours of the day could prepare us for the horrors of what was to follow - a series of events so devastating that by 10pm Dirsy would turn to me with lifeless eyes and croak the immortal words: "Tommy - I鈥檓 a broken man鈥"

The plan had been simple: fire up The Bloggernaut, load up the tunes and cruise the 100 or so kilometres down to Toulouse for the unpredictable joys of Japan v Fiji.

Spirits were so high in the camp pre-breakfast that Ben was even briefly seen running during our impromptu game of two-man touch rugby, something which hasn鈥檛 happened since he was chased out of a Dixy Fried Chicken in the late summer of 2005.

As we hit the outskirts of Toulouse a full four hours before kick-off, blasting out of the stereo, windows down, sun pouring in and freshly laundered flip-flops on our feet, there was the unspoken sense that the dismal scenes of the previous evening (broken cooker in van, food gone off in fridge, emergency midnight tea of raw pasta and chocolate digestives) were finally being erased from our minds.

Indeed, my pre-match research had been so thorough that I had even learned the Japanese for, 鈥淲e are too small for this sport. Can we take you on at karaoke instead?鈥 in order to bag some cheap laughs on the post-match blog.

The first slight sniff of trouble came within moments of entering the city boundaries, the point at which we hit a traffic-jam so severe that many drivers had grown since arriving at the scene.

As we moved along at the rate of a sloth dragging a fridge uphill, the first tendrils of doubt began to tug at our trouser-legs. Not only were there no signs for the campsite we were looking for, but there were no signs for anything rugby-related either.

Where were the Coupe de Monde banners hanging from the lamp-posts, the happy fans streaming towards the ground, the fizz and crackle of a city experiencing its first ever rugby World Cup match?

In even starker terms, where the hell was the stadium?

It would be unfair to say there are no road signs in Toulouse. There are hundreds, mainly for some place called . But for the Stade Municipal, on the day of the city鈥檚 greatest rugby moment in years?

Rien.

tom416.jpg

In the next three hours, in the fleeting moments between finding ourselves stationary once again in snarl-ups of epic proportions, we accidentally visited the following Toulouse landmarks: the hospital, the airport, centre ville (four times), the university, all major motorway junctions, the train station, the bus station and the Airbus factory.

Like tortured wasps trapped within a jam-jar, we spent 45 minutes buzzing repeatedly between junctions 18 and 19 of the Route Periphique, including 10 minutes circling a single large roundabout while shouting, 鈥淢arseille? We don鈥檛 want Marseille!鈥 at the only road-sign of note while beeping Frenchmen in dented Peugeot 205s tried to mount our rear bumper like love-starved terriers on heat.

With three minutes to go till kick-off and The Bloggernaut marooned at a never-changing set of traffic-lights in a no-mark suburb called , all seemed lost.

Then, at the 42nd time of asking, a Dirsy shout of, 鈥Ou est la stade?鈥 at a random passer-by reaped sudden dividends. Miraculously, Ben even understood the French reply.

鈥淗e pointed that way,鈥 he said.

Fresh hope in our hearts, we floored our flagging beast and leapt forward 鈥 into a traffic-jam even worse than the previous 400.

Briefly, with about five minutes gone in the second half, we got within a mile of the stadium. That was the point when we found all the surrounding roads had been closed by the police, and that the only road open led us back to junction 19 of the Periphique.

Two hours into the drive back north, neither of us had spoken a word. Never having seen Dirsy so low, fearing for his sanity, I suggested we stop for a coffee.

We did. Ben went to the counter, picked up the jug, took aim at the cup 鈥 and poured it all over his foot.

I could go on 鈥 tell you about the desperate search for a campsite somewhere in Gascony that was still open, for a shop that would sell us food, for a restaurant that wouldn鈥檛 close the instant we parked outside, for any sort of dinner at all.

I could tell you how Ben鈥檚 brief foray into the world of gastronomy ended with frantic handfuls of cold McDonald鈥檚 chips, how the vegetarian among us was forced to eat dry Special K for his tea, how I found myself singing in the style of the late Luciano Pavarotti in a last-gasp, despairing attempt to bring any sort of a smile back to the Dirs visage.

But I won鈥檛. For as I write this, with Ben snoring like an ox in the bunk next-door, I have nothing more to give.

Tom Fordyce is a 大象传媒 Sport journalist travelling around France in a camper van with Ben Dirs.


Comments  Post your comment

My worst breakfast experience was eating cornflakes with water in a hut in the northern wastelands of Scotland freezing my ass off in my sleeping bag. So I feel your pain lads.

Of course, you're on a jolly in France with beautiful weather, all access passes to a load of rugby games and you're getting paid for it. My sympathy, much like Dennis Hickies hairline, is quickly receding!

  • 2.
  • At 12:26 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • Chris Maloney wrote:

Tom Fordyce should do a bit of homework before he sets out next time. Seems pretty obvious.

  • 3.
  • At 12:43 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • Huw Roberts wrote:

I once had to eat Pot Noodle and cider for breakfast. I don't like Pot Noodle and I'd drank far too much cider the previous night. Back it all came, all over my brother's carpet.

  • 4.
  • At 12:53 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • James L wrote:

Chin up Tommy, it could be worse. You could be stuck back in rainy Blighty, spending your days researching tracking technology and your evenings having to put up with ITV's godawful commentry of the matches

  • 5.
  • At 01:02 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • RG wrote:

Sat Nav - Where is the Sat Nav?

We were in Bordeaux last week for the Irish game and got hopelessly lost in the burbs, we just followed the signs saying Centre Ville and ended up lost!!! Nothing around about the RWC - luckily we stumbled across the end of tram line and assumed it would bring us to Bordeaux City 鈥 it did.

Beware 鈥 invest in Sat Nav if you are driving 鈥 and hope it gets you there.

  • 6.
  • At 01:10 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • Jobes wrote:

Blagnac's the only (other) sign you need - for the exit flight...

But I do sympathise. I was there a fortnight ago with my Toulousain boyfriend, in a dented Peugeot 205 which he drives too fast and too close (so I apologise if it was him again). We must have spent a good hour mooching around the one-way systems in the centre and I'm not quite sure we ever found what we were looking for, though we went through one square at least 4 times. And he's a native!

At least you were looking for the right stadium....

  • 7.
  • At 01:14 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • Clever bloke wrote:

Sorry to hear you missed your first live match, but how about buying a Tom-Tom? I'm sure the Beeb could foot the expense. It sounds like Mr Dirs map-reading skills have been exceeded?!!

Keeping with the theme of awful meals. Once in some outback place in Guyana I feasted on boiled bananas. The theory was that they would ripen and soften as they boiled. How wrong we were.

Perhaps its would be best not to mention the shere epic nature of the last twenty minutes of the Japan/Fiji match. Sorry gents. Although short on style it was truly gripping.

I am greatly shocked to find that there were no signs for the match. In Lens you couldn't move for signs on the peripherique for "le parking". That said I still got lost only to stumble on an empty and free car park. I realise that this may not be the best article to lift your spirits but whilst in Toulouse meat eating Ben should take advantage of the fine local sausages. Mr Tom alas I cannot help with your foody plight. All I will suggest is that you do not try and boil bananas.

  • 9.
  • At 01:27 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • Tom from Skipton wrote:

You know you're deeply lost in a French town when you see two signs pointing opposite ways: "Toutes Directions" and "Autres Directions". Madness.

  • 10.
  • At 01:31 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • matthst wrote:

Sounds like you will need a map next time. For info, Toulouse hosted a game during the 1999 Rugby World Cup, France/Fidji. Other info, Toulouse won the French rugby championship 16 times, and Heineken cup 3 times, so Im not sure a Japan/Fidji is the greatest rugby moment in years, probably more like the best in weeks...
Next time you go travelling, print out the way off the internet, use your brain, you'll see it works...

  • 11.
  • At 01:33 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • Ben Dirs wrote:

Chris Maloney - hahahahahahaha! There are few things funnier than the smugness of a man who doesn't know what he's talking about. Ever tried doing research when you can't get any internet access on your laptop? And ever tried trying to locate a stadium when there are no signs to the stadium, there's no parking at the stadium and you're driving a 10 tonne van through a congested sity? Bit tricky, I can tell you...

  • 12.
  • At 01:34 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • Anonymous wrote:

RG - you're bang on about the satnav, that should have been the first thing we got on board.

Jobes - Many thanks for your sympathy, and if it was your boyfriend, give him a slap from me.

Dartfordians Macca - Mmmmm, sausages...

  • 13.
  • At 01:38 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • Jon Tunney wrote:

I never thought I'd feel sorry for two journos swanning around France for a Rugby World Cup freebie. And I'm glad to say I still don't.
If it's any consolation to the pair of you, amusement at your Mr Bean-style journey nearly led to me losing my voice.
A nasty throat infection has left me croakier than a frog with a 40-a-day habit. But I still risked my creaking vocal chords to regale my colleagues with the blog.
It would be a sad, sad world if we ever lost the ability to laugh at the misfortunes of our peers.

  • 14.
  • At 01:52 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • Columbus wrote:

Of course, buying a map or even a road atlas with French cities in the back would eat into the wine budget.... Or did too much wine mean you did not think to look in the back of the 大象传媒 issue atlas. With all your mobile technology you could even have looked at www.mappy.fr if the pink elephants had not got in the way. Toulouse, a huge rugby town, is seriously pissed off that football towns like Bordeaux got the more serious matches. And besides, it is great fun watching the same campervan visit the roundabout six times.

  • 15.
  • At 01:56 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • Si M wrote:

That did sound like a very unfortunate sequal events. However at least it allowed you to get a Campag Velocet song into you title and for that you must be applauded.

  • 16.
  • At 02:17 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • Rory wrote:

I have tears in my eyes and people are beginning to look at me with a mixture of pity and intense curiosty. (The sort of look one would give a dog wearing one of those collars to stop them nibbling on their plasters/ stiches.)

I cry not for sadness though, but for a bloody hysterical blog. Not that they would understand, I am talking a different language to them. I play with a different type of ball.

Thanks for providing some excellent entertainment for me on this, my 30th birthday, spent in the office.

  • 17.
  • At 02:29 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • Chris gamble wrote:

Look guys....every motorhomer knows about the Calor Gas situation on the Contintent thats why they all carry Camping Gaz (and ofcourse they all know the whereabouts of the 'secret' filling stations that will refill anything from a calor Bottle to a ciggy lighter!).
You camn easilly find these with your Satnav ..if you had one.

  • 18.
  • At 02:37 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • Shazza wrote:

I'm not surprised you got lost, it's that old macho thing of not being able to stop and ask someone the way until it is too late!

Saying that we are driving down to Paris tomorrow (all the cheap seats on Eurostar were sold out)but apparently we have a SatNav and I have printed off instructions from the web as a backup. So I hope we don't have the same nightmarish scenario.

  • 19.
  • At 02:56 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • Mark wrote:

Guys, was in Bordeaux last weekend for Ireland's opening 'performance' against Namibia. Advice - park up in the open area opposite the Connemara pub (near the tram line). And the beer in the stadium is alcohol-free, so fill up early at the pub!

  • 20.
  • At 03:08 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • Kevster wrote:

Tom, Ben...

Not much consolation perhaps, but I've been in the same pit of despair that you've just experienced. Euro 2000, in a hire car, driving from Bruges to Brussels for the opening match of the tournament. All was well until I reached the edge of Brussels, then I realised my work colleagues (who'd gone to a match in Holland) had taken all the maps. I had three hours to find the stadium but drove round in circles, stopping at traffic lights to get other drivers to wind down their windows so they could pass on directions - all the time other vehicles honking violently at me. I ended up in a quiet suburb of the city, sobbing down the phone to my editor. Broken. Utterly broken.

  • 21.
  • At 03:12 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • nickc wrote:

I have utmost sympathy for you Ben and Tom. My last company had an office near Toulouse and I have lost hours trying to find my way about. And having a sat nav did not make the blindest bit of difference. Worst moment was when my boss unwittingly booked me into a hotel in the red light district. Cue very strange (and sometimes knowing!)looks from the locals when I pulled over to ask for directions

  • 22.
  • At 03:17 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • wrote:

Sounds a really bad day, I'm surprised you are still talking to each other ;)

Sooooo next time, get the directions - haven't you got an atlas?

And please, more twittering..it's fun!

  • 23.
  • At 03:18 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • funscotinfrance wrote:

Sorry to hear you missed a good display of rugby and a captivating last 10 minutes all rounded off with a standing ovation for both team鈥nly bad bit was sitting in the east stand with the sun beating down upon us..

But we managed to refresh ourselves in the rugby village (well worth a visit, follow the river) with REAL beer watching the Italy game..but the high point of the evening was when the football match finished with a surprise Scotland win..after a win like that I hope the football team talk to rugby team and who knows maybe we can beat the All Blacks ..maybe the sun and beer are getting to me鈥

  • 24.
  • At 03:26 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • funscotinfrance wrote:

Sorry to hear you missed a good display of rugby and a captivating last 10 minutes all rounded off with a standing ovation for both team鈥nly bad bit was sitting in the east stand with the sun beating down upon us..

But we managed to refresh ourselves in the rugby village (well worth a visit, follow the river) with REAL beer watching the Italy game..but the high point of the evening was when the football match finished with a surprise Scotland win..after a win like that I hope the football team talk to rugby team and who knows maybe we can beat the All Blacks ..maybe the sun and beer are getting to me鈥

  • 25.
  • At 03:47 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • JimT wrote:

You have my deepest sympathy guys. Two years ago I ventured to France with visions of eating fabulous food and drinking red wine into the early hours. In reality most restaurants opened at mid-day and closed at 14:30, then re-opened at 19:00; with kitchens closing at 21:00. The shops also closed for two hours lunchtime. Menus included mostly frozen sea food or cheap offal served by sniffy waiters at inflated prices. The only people who sat out until the early hours appeared to be school teachers from the UK who refused to spend money in restaurants. Instead they sat outside their tents/caravans for six weeks, devouring stale flutes, slabs of cheese and cheap plonk from 4ltr plastic bottles, before heading home with romantic tales of "the French way of life". All talk of superb French food seems to come from people writing in newspapers on expenses who go to the top restaurants which can be found in any in major capital, if you have the cash or somebody else is paying..doesn't that include you guys?!

  • 26.
  • At 04:00 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • MBR wrote:

If you Wikipedia "Tom Fordyce", the second most matched article is entitled "Monkey Tennis".

I like that.

  • 27.
  • At 04:00 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • ilyas wrote:

Centre Ville, blydi Centre Ville, was always where we headed to in times of mass panic. Even the kids had a go at navigating they couldn't any worse than my wife (God Bless her).

Her worst mistake was missing the turning off the periphique leading to the stadium (after all a bloke can hardly drive, worry about Gareth Jenkin's mindset, think about the game and navigate at the same time, were're not miracle merchants you know!). What it more galling was that we were on the A11 straight to Paris, and it was a toll road, and there were no turnoffs for blydi miles (kilometers). Eventually we reached the end the toll paid the extortionate and unnecessary toll and headed back and STILL blydi missed the turning. Got to the match because unlike you poor sods the Nantians helpfully placed millions of signs for La Beaujoire. Phew.

  • 28.
  • At 04:10 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • Nicholas Morgan wrote:

Haha sorry to hear about that, although I'm quite surprised. I'm a toulousain and usually the city does everything possible to ease access to the stadium when there are important games over there (signs, free bus etc.). It's especially true for rugby games as Toulouse is a big rugby city.

As I was walking down the renovated "Rue Alsace Lorraine" there was even litteraly a small troupe of musicians with drums, trumpets and such making a lot of noise and wearing a big cardboard sign saying "The city hall invites you to watch the Fiji vs Japan game blablabla...". First time I had seen that happen.

Also, if you ever come back here and have such trouble again you should check out the rugby village (not sure if it's the actual name) that someone previously mentioned. As you passed through the centre four times you must have seen it, it's just below the Pont Neuf next to the bus station in Cours Dillon.

Anyway better luck next time and keep up the good work.

Cheers.

  • 29.
  • At 04:10 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • Jonathan Lubikowski wrote:

Two things you need: a compass and a set of large scale maps! I've just got back from cycling about 500 miles through france and I do sympathise completely. Its almost as if there's some silent conspiracy amongst the locals - if you don't know how to get there then why should we provide you with actual signs?! My tactic was generally to cut in front of a car waiting at a junction and shout in my schoolboy french OU EST LA CENTRE VILLE? or wherever I was headed, I would usually get some sort of gestured response, and when it was directional as opposed to insulting that would tend to get me through the next few kms!
Bon chance for the rest of it lads...

  • 30.
  • At 04:47 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • Tom Fordyce wrote:

Jon T - losing our voices will probably be the next disaster to befall us. The good news is that, after our run-ins with French motorists, we're now well practised with certain bits of sign language.

Mark - thumbs-up for the tip.
Kevster - we feel your pain.
Rory - happy birthday!

Columbus - I don't know why you're trying to give it the big chat about us getting lost - you famously thought you'd landed in India, when you were in fact in Cuba. At least we were on the right continent.

  • 31.
  • At 04:55 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • Rhod wrote:

Where you camping in marseilles for the quarters? HELP!

  • 32.
  • At 04:58 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • BenM wrote:

Guys, if you went near the hospital, the bus station or the train station (next door to each other), then you really weren't far away. I used to live about 10 minutes from the station and have walked from there to the Stade Municipal in less than half an hour. And now the Ligne B has opened, you could have parked up at the Station and taken the Metro, changing at Jean Jaur猫s and alighting at Saint-Michel Marcel-Langer. Admittedly, driving around Toulouse is a right pain even when you know where you're going, but at least you didn't have to contend with the Metro works as well.

  • 33.
  • At 05:19 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • steve wrote:

I have a great grin on my face having been lost virtually every time I have tried to find a stade in any French conurbation larger than a small village!

1st time I've looked at this service - why does the beeb assume that we want to complain so much they provide a tag on every comment?

  • 34.
  • At 05:24 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • Jon Tunney wrote:

Does anyone think Toulouse sounds a bit like Leeds? I have spent many unpleasant hours driving round its version of the peripherique looking in vain for a sign to anywhere apart from Harehills Hospital and the centre ville.
Of course, I'm too stubborn to stop for directions, but I imagine it would be equally difficult to understand the locals.

  • 35.
  • At 06:49 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • Brian wrote:

Does the word "map" mean anything to you?

  • 36.
  • At 07:55 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • Rich Hubbell wrote:

I hate to say it, Dirsy, but this is what you get for never posting my comments on the TMS. Lets hope you have learned your lesson and will hook a brother up next time.

  • 37.
  • At 08:11 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • Tez wrote:

I miss that handy little map motif showing where you were going next. Can we have that back .....

  • 38.
  • At 09:34 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • jeff Marsh wrote:

The organizers sent me an e-mail in advance which included the info that there was no parking, but plenty of public transport from car parks by the main train and metro stations. I used one of these and it worked perfectly. For the record, my experience of French city signposting is that its far superior to the uk.

  • 39.
  • At 10:47 PM on 13 Sep 2007,
  • david watson wrote:

I now live about 80 miles from Toulouse and travel there regularly to collect relations down for their hols! Blagnac is the airport - and every time I go there I always feel as if I'm travelling in the wrong direction as I go round the Rocade! So Tom has my sympathy. But I'm surprised he didn't work out where to go as you pass the stade as you enter the Toulouse Rocade from the Bordeaux direction...
One final point. In the UK you are getting better coverage of the world cup than we are in France. It seems only games involving France are televised - I've found no highlights programmes and results involving anyone except France are tucked away in the sud ouest (regional paper) between adverts for second hand cars and the Euro 2007 volleyball tournament!

  • 40.
  • At 08:15 AM on 14 Sep 2007,
  • DavidR wrote:

I can see some confusion arising as the rugby is being played at the ground of Toulouse FC for the duration of the world cup. The ground is on an island in the middle of the river Garonne and all traffic access is closed on the day of the match.

Unlike the UK, public transport works well out here and the advice would be to park outside the city and take a train/bus/metro or whatever to the matches.

Parking in the city is difficult at the best of times, with the multistory car parks being the best bet. However a camper van will not fit!!!!

The matches between the bigger teams are being shown live on French TF1 whilst the smaller matches are on satellite.

Good luck if you intend to return to Toulouse, personally I intend watching the matches on one of the giant screens they have set up around the city. Too many tickets given away to journalists therefore the locals have to make to, whichever way we can :-)

  • 41.
  • At 08:19 AM on 14 Sep 2007,
  • Mike wrote:

"It would be unfair to say there are no road signs in Toulouse. There are hundreds, mainly for some place called Blagnac. But for the Stade Municipal, on the day of the city鈥檚 greatest rugby moment in years? "

And that's why we have Sat Nav, you know a little modern technology....... sort of fitting for a blogger.......

  • 42.
  • At 08:22 AM on 14 Sep 2007,
  • wrote:

Its always good to make thorough preparations if you are in place you are not very familiar with.

  • 43.
  • At 11:00 AM on 14 Sep 2007,
  • Tony Pastie wrote:

Ben Dirs and Tom takes a Rimor campavan to Condom........

What exactly is going on out there?

I'm not sure I want to know

  • 44.
  • At 11:51 AM on 14 Sep 2007,
  • Tony wrote:

I read with amusement your comments and diary...poor things, Here in the North East of France, we were not given ANY matches...on top of that, I have to not only tolerate ITV's crap comentators, but the French TF1 comentators....lightyears WORSE than ITV....But lads, you never try driving in France without really researching your way. It can be frustrating, but look again at the signs....unlike GB/IRL,where the straight ahead arow is vertical, here it 'follows' the forward horizontal axis....logical!!!!

Bon voyage les gars!!

  • 45.
  • At 12:02 PM on 14 Sep 2007,
  • HellsBells wrote:

Found this blog by chance and now book-marked for future reading - great stuff! Got into fearful trouble with the boss for giggling helplessly behind my PC screen at the thwarted attempts to get to the stadium. Will be reading in the comfort of home or during boss's lunch break in future.

Vis getting lost in France, once spent over 2 hours driving round Limoges trying to find the correct way out to reach my mother and French step-father the other side.... now I know why most French drivers gesticulate so much in cars. I was shaking my fist with the best of them as I followed another sign for Toutes Directions only to find myself back on the same bl**dy roundabout....

Look forward to more tales from La Belle France soon!

  • 46.
  • At 06:16 PM on 14 Sep 2007,
  • markthespark wrote:

Hi Chaps,

While in Toulouse do not forget to get your hands around a beautiful local sausage !!!! I know Tom's into all that healthy stuff but the opportunity to partake in a rather naughty local delicacy should not be missed, believe you me.

  • 47.
  • At 06:20 PM on 14 Sep 2007,
  • markthespark wrote:

Hi Chaps,

While in Toulouse do not forget to get your hands around a beautiful local sausage !!!! I know Tom's into all that healthy stuff but the opportunity to partake in a rather 'naughty' local delicacy should not be passed up lightly.

  • 48.
  • At 11:09 AM on 15 Sep 2007,
  • damian wrote:

Dear Ben and Tom,

I'm surprised two 'investigative' minds made such a hash of finding one (rather large) stadium. I endorse all above comments re maps,research and satnav.

I live near Toulouse and visit fairly frequently without a problem.

No sympathies I'm afraid. And you get paid for messing up.

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