A 'review' of 2008
- 2 Jan 08, 08:06 GMT
Enough of the iPhone, away with Facebook 鈥 let鈥檚 forget about 2007 and look forward - not entirely seriously - to the technology year to come in 2008...
January
At CES in Las Vegas, Bill Gates makes his final keynote before stepping down at Microsoft. Guess what? The digital home of the future is here at last and it is powered by Windows Media Center.
One week later in San Francisco, Steve Jobs uses his Macworld keynote to show us round the iHome (鈥渨ay cool鈥). It is run by a revamped Apple TV set-top box, and allows you to get all your stuff 鈥 movies, music, photos and groceries 鈥 piped to you through iTunes.
February
The mobile phone industry gathers in Barcelona for its annual jamboree in its usual state of paranoia. Last year, it was the imminent arrival of the iPhone which caused the jitters. This time it is the impact of Google鈥檚 Android. Relax, guys, customers have tolerated lousy user interfaces, bossy network operators and sky-high roaming charges for years 鈥 why should anything change?
March
Sony unveils the Play Station 3.5. It boasts simpler graphics than the PS3, a fun controller called the miiiiii2, and a range of new games from Cribbage to Tony Hawk鈥檚 Tiddlywinks. 鈥淲e are reaching a whole new demographic, " says Sony鈥檚 Howard Stringer on a visit to an old people鈥檚 home in Merthyr Tydfil.
鈥淲hy has nobody tried this before?鈥
April
The UK government insists it is pressing ahead with the National ID card, despite another embarrassing breach in data security. A clerk at the Passport Office plugs his iPod into the computer at work to update, then goes on holiday to Albania. Finding it incapable of playing anything but a weird mix of what sounds like morse code and hiphop, he flogs it to a bloke he meets at a caf茅 in Tirana. A government spokesman insists there is no cause for concern, unless you have taken out a passport in the last decade and been foolish enough to pay for it with something other than cash.
May
Facebook denies that it is in crisis after a study shows that its name has failed to appear in a single newspaper column for three months. A spokeswoman denies that a status update reading 鈥淢ark is 鈥︹etting a little bored with all this poking, vampire-biting, fish-sending, nonsense鈥 reflects the views of the company鈥檚 founder on the future of social networking.
June
The companies in the HD-DVD alliance announce you can now get their players for as little as 拢49.99. The Blu-Ray team respond by giving their product away with the Daily Telegraph. Consumers fail to notice because they are too busy downloading movies from Russia鈥檚 allofhddvd.com.
July
Security software firms unite with the government鈥檚 Getsafeonline campaign to send millions of computer users a simple message, 鈥淵ou Are All Doomed.鈥 A spokesman explains: 鈥淚t is a simple but effective way of getting people to understand that once they turn on their computers, the four horsemen of the Apocalypse will be riding through the door in a jiffy. Unless, of course, they invest in new security software every time they log on, and buy a shredder.鈥
August
Google continues the spending spree which has seen it buy Marks & Spencer, News Corp, and the Channel Islands since the beginning of the year. When EU regulators block its bid to take over the European Central Bank, a spokesman responds: 鈥淲hat these Brussels bureaucrats fail to understand is that we鈥檙e just trying to organise the world鈥檚 information鈥.and money, and shopping. What鈥檚 the problem with that?鈥
September
Apple鈥檚 second generation 3g iPhone goes on sale. This time, as well as signing up to Apple鈥檚 network partner, customers have to bring a DNA sample to enter on the company database before the phone can be activated. 鈥淲e鈥檙e just trying to make sure iPhone users all feel part of the Apple family, 鈥 a spokesman explains.
October
Nokia brings out its latest smartphone, the N99. As well as featuring music, live television, a manicure set and a device for getting stones out of horse鈥檚 shoes, it offers an ice-cream cornet with a chocolate flake. 鈥淎nd, unlike, the new 3g iPhone,鈥 a spokesman explains, 鈥渋t is 4g, making the mobile internet work properly for the first time.鈥
November
A wave of panic spreads though parents in the UK and the USA as it becomes clear that stocks of the Nintendo Wii console are in short supply in run-up to Christmas. 鈥淲ho could have predicted that people would want to buy it as a Christmas present?鈥 asks a Nintendo spokesman. Sony points out that the PS3.5 is available in all good stores.
December
While high street stores complain that Christmas is later than ever this year, online retailers predict a 50% rise in sales compared to last year. 鈥淲hether you want an ipod, a wii or one of the new robotic teasmaids, we鈥檒l get it you by Christmas,鈥 a spokesman for the Online Retail Group promises.
As Boxing Day dawns, Ebay announces that record numbers of unwanted gifts are up for sale. The top sellers include 3g iPhones, complete with unlocked DNA samples.
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This is dot.life - a blog about technology from 大象传媒 News.
Rory Cellan-Jones is the 大象传媒's technology correspondent.
Maggie Shiels is the 大象传媒's tech reporter based in Silicon Valley.
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Comments
Rory, are you still celebrating New Years Eve with a gin and whisky in your hand? I nearly fell of my chair laughing by reading this blog. A classic post, however no mention of the beeb?
Radio frequency identification (RFID) is worth keeping an eye on in 2008. There have been a few false dawns so far, but a number of new applications in the consumer space, plus more business awareness of how RFID can be used as an enabler to improve business processes, means it has significant potential, with the Beijing Olympics likely to be a showcase this year. Want to know more? View my RFID blog at Computer Weekly:
Go it Rory!
Got there in the end....
Good fun stuff!
Cheers
Neil
An "iHome" ???
I want one ... (sob)
Awesome, I was going to get a new phone this year, can't wait til October! Any chance of a raspberry sauce hands-free kit?
That seems about right.
Like the data security breach using the iPod. Probably true too....
You forget to mention that Microsoft re-release Windows 3.1 in a face saving attempt after the disasterous year of Vista!
brilliant, pure genius !
HILARIOUS!! FIRST BIG LAUGH OF THE YEAR. THANKS!
ID theft is now causing me such worry that I shred my hard disk after each session. Unfortunately, overuse of product activation means that I won't be online for some time...
Very funny, would like to review these at the end of 2008 amd see how many came true... probably all of them
I'd argue that mixing trying to be funny with actual facts makes for a confusing article. Just a thought.
Excellent!
I haven't read a better review of 2007! Maybe you could use some sort of astrology and predict the future in such a humorous way?! Google Astrology seems too accurate- I didn't want to know I'd be waiting until next gen iPhone's before I'd think about buying one...but Google did.
:P
Brilliant! That really made me chuckle.
The sad thing is, though, that I bet a lot of those predictions are really not too far off the mark.
Hilarious. Can't wait for the Playstation 3.5
Rory, you've forgotten:
the imminent launch of social networking for dogs, Facebark
the launch of the Nintendo They -that enables you to steer neighbours and double glazing salesmen away from your door
the launch of the iSpud, personalised potatoes with integrated chips for less than 拢100
the launch of ultra HD outdoor awareness panels - aka windows
Great break down of next year. I believe i am well prepared. Action Man walkie talkies ready for the mobile phone breakdown!
I've a feeling that this is as likely to be accurate as any other set of predictions for 2008 published recently. :)
Great ideas though!
you are not funny.......really!
Very funny, except for April, which of course will really happen, probably on April 1.
Aye, that's a better round-up than the tosh talked about on 'Click'.
Cheers!
This is just bad writing, and not funny or engaging at all.
Its obvious the writer doesnt have much knowledge of what he writes about - which is par for the course for the 大象传媒.
Its also faintly biased and Luddite in its approach - has the writer any real knowledge of the iPhone for example?
Or of the realities of the way phones actually work and what 3G really means?
But that doesnt matter because the article is meant to be amusing - but it isnt.
Its just dull filler.
It was good until July, and then it just started getting silly.
LOVE the PS3.5!! :D
Well, it made me laugh! I'm looking forward to the N99 though.
Well, how I laughed. Brilliant. Then I thought - just how much of this will actually turn out to be true?
Only time will tell whether you are in the pay of the computer industry. In the meantime, I'm starting to stockpile Wii's in time for next Christmas!
Yup, that about sums it up!
No mention of bringing the 大象传媒's iPlayer service to platforms other than Windows, I notice, despite promises made to the 大象传媒 Trust (and no, the crippled part-service on offer to Mac users at the moment doesn't count). Maybe we'll have to wait for the review of 2009... 2010... never?
Can't wait till Google launches virtual houses so that first time buyers can finally afford to live in Cyberspace.
I am betting half of those come true.
Halas.
Ho, Ho, Ho, most droll, although Nokia managing to get a 4G phone to work well enough to sell is a bit far fetched.
Re: 23. At 02:05 PM on 02 Jan 2008, walter
Glad you're not my friend. I bet an hour with you is like being stuck in a lift with Rain Man.
Thank you Rory for a very entertaining blog.
That the Wii will be in severely short supply for the third Christmas running is imho inevitable. Even if Nintendo were to double production, I think they won't be able to supply enough worldwide until the demand drops off, probably in a another two years or so.
And the joke about 4g rings true, I have browsed using a 3g phone and quite frankly it isn't very fast at all, certainly not the massive improvement many are expecting. iPhone users will still be searching for free wireless hotspots.
August - Defcon 2008 opens it's doors to the best hackers around the world. Bill Gates gives the keynote address, essentially telling hackers to "Bring It On". Microsoft goes bankrupt 1 week later.
My son already lives in an iFlat. As you walk through the door you dock your iPod in the wall slot and the apartment becomes iTuned.
Cor!
Fantastic! I laughed so hard that got the hiccups
You forgot - EU commission announces decision to regulate cost of domestic mobile phone calls down and the 大象传媒 announces it's reviewing how content is distributed online (again).
LOL
Good stuff. i wonder if any of it will come true
I love the blog. I agree with the comment about Facebook. Im getting really sick of it. People that I havent seen for a decade (and dont want to see in the next decade) keep poking me.
Keep up the good work!