大象传媒

I lost my father at the age of eleven, he died of cancer at the age of just 42. It was unfair to have him taken away from me. Ever since he left me, I've had so many ups and downs. Not long after I lost him I had to struggle with my sexuality, my appearance, my grief of losing him and a few other things all at about the same time. I bottled up so much and often locked myself away. This was considered to be 'normal teenage behaviour' but to me it was far from normal.

Weighing in at the same weight as my mother (who wasn't exactly slim) in my first year of secondary school I was branded a 'big kid' by many and much worse by some. Secondary school showed itself to be alot more relentless than junior and It were a senior school where I knew nobody at first. I soon began to skip meals. My mother picked up on this but she in her own admission didn't act up on it in time. Neither of us knew it at first but I was slowly becoming an anorexic. No matter what I did or how much weight I lost, all I could see was 'fat'. I smashed up mirrors and tore up my photos. I'd get teased at school and then come home and get teased by my brother (who really regrets it now). I soon started skipping not just meals but food altogether and gulped down slimming pills. Before I knew it, I were 5'8 and just about six stone. My teeth were yellow, I were having real mood swings and I were much paler than usual. My mother soon clocked on what was going on and tried to force feed me on occasion but it didn't work. She also tried bribing me to eat but that again didn't work. I only came out of it after my second collapse and seeing how scared my mother was of losing me as well as my father.

I felt selfish and I knew that I was needing help. It wasn't an easy task but I gradually started eating, my mother was my rock and the counsellor was amazing. The counsellor even helped me with my other problems too..she helped me have the confidence to come out to someone as gay as well. It felt majorly good to talk out my grief, my anorexia and hiding my sexuality and to be told I was good looking by her really helped, no one had ever called me that before at the time except maybe my mother.

Anorexia affects alot of people, mostly eleven to twenty year olds and even though 90% of them are female, male anorexics are becoming more and more recognized in society. The good thing I guess is that there is more and more help being given to people with psychological issues like mine. It is often said that people take more time to understand physical injuries you can see and ignore or judge people with the internal ones that can't be seen but I don't feel that at all, I feel that my mother and my counsellor did a great job, I was lucky after all I could be dead by now.

The counsellor told me that my anorexia will never completely leave me and she was right. I will get really annoyed with myself if I put on weight and I get bloated after a few mouths full of food like the other week at my friends 40th birthday (yes I have much older friends, but thats not an issue). I got annoyed with myself because I ordered food and it came on a huge plate, I just could not eat most of it and I got paranoid my friends were looking at me even though I was sure they wasn't. Every time I bend down my knees click which I'm pretty sure has something to do with the long lasting affects on my body.

Currently I'm just about average weight (under by a few pounds so I'm told), I'm 5ft 11 and I'm happy not losing weight or putting weight on, just staying at this weight. I try to eat at least three meals a day but I don't eat in between meals and I don't always manage to eat the three meals. I'm semi-confident around other people, but more so after a few drinks and I've made alot of friends of all ages from 16 to 50 over the last couple of years. My friends and the life I live now has helped me regain stability, apart from the long lasting affects my body has had, I feel in control. I no longer feel ugly or fat but I will not put weight on and I am still very sensitive as to what people think of me even if I appear as if I don't take myself too seriously to some. To look at me you wouldn't think of me as an anorexic now or maybe ever, you'd think me to be slim but behind the smile I put on and through not talking about it much to many people my anorexia rarely comes up and thats the way I like it.

I hope parents reading this can learn the signs before its too late. Even if you have only sons and no daughters, still be aware. Stop it from the very first meal they skip, tell them that they are special the way they are and for the love of God if they ever ask you if they are 'fat' say no. My mother said once when I asked her 'you're not fat, just a little chubby' and that just added to it for me. If you think your child or somebody you know might be anorexic, I will gladly tell you what to look out for. But no two cases of anorexia are ever the same and there are two types of anorexia so I am told. People are quick to blame the media for anorexia and other eating disorders but It was nothing to do with that for me. To me media is only a contributing factor and not a cause as anorexia has always been around even if not as common. It can be started by losing a partner/being cheated on or even a single 'fat' comment could set it off.

Tomorrow I shall be going to a gay club to have a few drinks with my mates (as I do most Thursdays now) and if the club lets me, I hope to make my first video entry! For some of you that could be your first and last look inside a gay club. So please stay tuned! I may also reveal how I managed to get into a club like this one at the age of just fourteen and go straight to school the morning after! I know, it's terrible but I did!

Georgie

Read more of Georgie's posts here.