大象传媒

Chapter XII - Afterthought
Shortly after my transfer to Chelsea barracks from Pirbright, one of the barrack room inmates reported sick and according to the medical officers diagnosis the culprit was suffering from a suspected contagious disease which warranted the room with approx: 20 other inmates to be quarantined. During this period of isolation, we were excused all parades including guard duties and food would be brought to us. Boredom soon set in which was only natural among a room full of 18yr old activists bored with having to repolish and reclean anything that didn't move. Radio's or what was known then as the wireless, were not allowed in barrack rooms and television of course was still in the hands of the inventor and his associates, in any case it would have had received the same ban as the radio, so instead of twiddling our thumbs, hidden talents started to come to the fore. This was the time for the Rothery supremo to show off his hidden talents which happened to be the balancing broom act, where at home I considered myself par-excellance, but who in their right mind would consider this comparatively mundane act would attract an audience of young unknown tested critic's with little or no risks being advocated. So I first had to apply make up, which consisted of a Ronald Coleman moustache, ( He being a leading film star of that era ) and noted for the black caterpillar shaped fungus which he sported each side of his nostrils. So with the aid of some black Kiwi boot polish I applied my camouflage. Now a broom on its own balancing on ones forehead, doesn't necessarily attract sceptics, but with about half a dozen used dinner plates aloft, I had them all transfixed and was about to come to the end of my spectacular, when an uninvited phantom authority suddenly opened the barrack room door, at this intrusion, I quickly as possible aborted the act and in doing so only managed to grab about half of my props the remainder advertized their departure with a resounding crash. At this finality, the authorative phantom quickly departed, which for me was a signal that my act was not of acceptable behaviour and that reinforcements were being sought. I removed my make up and the debris in double quick time just as a investigating Sergeant accompanied by the phantom intruder who happened to be a Lance Corporal, entered the room. 0n interrogation it was agreed that the broken plates were accidently dropped, which of course was true, but the Corporal kept on insisting that he knew how they were broken and that he could identify the culprit because he had a moustache. Unfortunately for him the virility of such masculinity among the majority of us inmates was not at all prominent. So with his tail between his legs and a grimace on the Corporals face as they were departing, signifying " I will get you lot for this, " They departed still in hot disscussion with the Corporal trying vigorously to justify their intrusion. Phew. We never did hear anymore about this episode, perhaps we being in isolation in this suspected contagious enviroment, didn't lend itself to be a very genial place for an intensive interrogative investigation..
It was common practice namely within the lower ranks to distinguish the identities of certain officers and non commissioned officers either by their unusual characteristic mannerisms, appearance, or more commonly their unpopularity, the latter being the most prevalent.
Example;- The Duke of Rutland was generally known among his Platoon subordinates as Flat Arse, this no doubt speaks for itself which in some ways must have been an advantage, because due to its non prominence, it didn't allow it to be kicked ?
The Lord Percy brothers, whom due to their lack of height and physical stature in comparison to the average six footer plus under their command, were commonly known within their Platoon as the Weed and Chickweed. Incidently only the men under their direct command would identify them as such and of course out of earshot. . Regardless of what we considered lack of physical make up, it in no way was detrimental to their leadership qualities under whose command as of all our other courageous commanders, we were always very proud and honoured to serve
The same precaution should have applied to a certain C.S.M.by the name of Joy who was anything but, but because of his reputation, was well known throughout the battalion ranks, as Shit Head Joy, an endearment that he must have inherited long before I came to the Battalion, because as soon as any newcomer joined, it would be a title that he was automatically acclaimed. One day, a Guardsman was making use of the Toilets at the same time as his unknowingly C.S.M, whom, on becoming aware of a neighbour, asked the Guardsman his name and whose Company he was in, to which the unsuspecting promtly gave his name and that he was in "Shit Head Joys Company. Being equally inquisitive, said "And what is your name mate" "Joy" came the prompt reply, "Company Sergeant Major.Joy". I don't know the outcome of that endearment, but I can guarantee that his feet wouldn't have touched the ground for sometime afterwards.

Another heresay incident occurred whilst I was at Chelsea which was quite understandable when you have got approx; 600 to a 1000 young potentials herded together. There are always the one or two who will hold grudges for what they would consider harsh punishment received for misdeamours they had committed in the past and for which they were consequently found guilty.. This particular incident took place just as the R.S.M. accompanied by one of his Warrent Officers were marching together on the square close to the barrack block, when a boot thrown from the top story narrowly missed them. It must have been thrown by someone desperate for revenge or retribution because a boot like all army equipment is either stamped or engraved with ones own personal army number on it so it wouldn't take long to discover the culprit. Here again I don't know the final outcome of this no doubt frustrated act, but I am sure that the culprit will desperately require the return of his boot back sharpish so that he give it a good involuntary pummeling on punishment parades.
The barrack rooms, other than the beds, were quite sparse of furniture, consisting of a very large fixed wall mirror situated at the end of the room, essential for last minute dress adjustments, a wooden trestle table and two wooden forms (benches.) These were mainly used for equipment preparation such as the folding of the cape for ceremonial or guard duties. The proceedure being that after folding the cape by hand to what was considered the correct length and width, it was placed on the table to be pressed and squared up to a presentable standard. To do this would require the assistance of two of your room mates, whom on placing a bench across the folded cape, would then sit astride and proceed to see-saw on it. Whilst still remaining astride, you then with the other bench end would pummel the top end of the cape in order to square it up.When considered satisfactory, the white buff retaining straps would be fitted, the centre strap retaining the brass Regimental cypher which adorned the centre back of the cape. You then prayed that along with your general turnout, it would be acceptable for Regimental scrutiny by the inspecting officers..

Looking back, I now wonder how without electric sockets in any of the rooms, therefore no electric irons, how we managed to get knife edge creases in our uniforms with nothing more than a mouthful of water, a sliver of soap (when available) to swipe down the inside of the crease, a warm stable body on a unstable 19cent iron springless bed The bed, come Trouser press, was constructed in two separate parts, the top half had a iron head rest and was supported on two legs, the bottom half on four, therefore to maintain stability the top half had to rely on the bottom half by hooking on to it. On top of this you then lay three biscuit shaped horse haired filled mattressess which was the basis for laying out your uniform for creasing which at the sametime could also include your greatcoat. All of this including the biscuits were then held in place with your spare blanket which you folded length wise and tucked in under the bottom end of the biscuit. As you can imagine it would be an easy task for a practical joker to set a bed to colapse when sat on, but it was generally accepted that this could be beyond a joke with uniforms down to crease especially if this should befall anyone after Light Out, therefore all were very wary as they themselves could be subject to the same treatment.

Regarding our Coy: motto 'Shit or Bust"which after receiving the Company Commanders permission, was abbreviated and displayed on the front of all the No 4 Company vehicles, in the form of S .O .B, But there came a time when we were suddenly informed to expect a visit from a female member of the Royal family. Panic set in as to what would our explanation be if we were to be asked to intrepet our motto. It was mutualy agreed that it was to be a God inspiring request, which was, "Save Our Battalion." As far as I know, no one was asked to make such a Prayerful plea..

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