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Sketch 3 — The Village Shop

Cast; Shopkeeper (June) — Mrs Jones (Peggy) — Mrs Smith (Kitch) — Mrs Wood (Madge)

(Shopkeeper stands behind the counter, enter Mrs Jones)

Shopkeeper Good morning Mrs Jones, it is a lovely day.

Mrs J That’s as may be for some people.

SK Well what troubles you today Mrs Jones

Mrs J Its me feet, covered with chilblains they are, I can never get warm, not enough coal to boil the kettle let alone get a body warm, not enough food to feed a sparrow, I don’t know what on earth we are going to come to …(mutter, mutter)

SK On come Mrs Jones, its is not as bad as that.

Mrs J Nor for you perhaps. You can always make sure there is a bit extra for yourself when you measure out tour meagre rations. Two ounces of cheese, I ask you, not enough to bait the mousetrap, let alone cover a slice of toast.

SK Perhaps you will be interested in this (holds up a packet) it is the new dried egg, it makes very good cakes or so I am told.

Mrs J Dried egg! In a packet! I like my eggs in shells just as the hens lay them. I am told that you can get plenty at that new shop in the village hall on Friday nights.

SK New Shop! What new shop? I am sure there isn’t need for any other shop in this village.

Mrs J Well, perhaps it isn’t really a shop, better than a shop I am told, started by the Women’s Institute, you take along anything you have to sell and can buy other goods in exchange.

SK That sounds a good idea. Exactly what are they selling?

Mrs J Well, last week there were cabbages and carrots, rhubarb and gooseberries, super cakes and jam made by the W>I> ladies and Mrs Green from the farm even brought some eggs and butter, home made of course.

SK I am sure that is not allowed, after all, eggs and butter are rationed.

Mrs J That’s as may be, what the eye doesn’t see the heart doesn’t grieve over.

SK That is not the point Mrs Jones. Rationing ensures fair shares for all and we must all tighten our belts to help the was effort!

(Enter Mrs Smith)

SK Good morning Mrs Smith and what can I do for you?

Mrs S Oh dear, have you got any tea, I have completely run out, not a spoonful of tea in the house.

SK Let me have a look in your Ration book, ah yes, you have a coupon here and you are in luck. It happens that I had a supply only yesterday so I can let everybody who is registered with me have one quarter this week. There you are, that will be six pence please …. That should revive your spirits besides wetting your whistle!

Mrs S Thank you so much, I must run now as the kettle is on the boil and my husband is waiting for a drink, he is busy ‘Digging for Victory’. He has dug up the back lawn planting it with fruit and vegetables now we have this new W.I. market where we shall be able to sell them. Cheerio for now (she dashes out)

SK Now Mrs Jones, exactly what was it you came in for?

Mrs J Well, I will have a quarter of that tea to begin with. I don’t suppose you have any brown sugar?

SK No, I am very sorry I havent seen any of that since the war began, but I could let you have a tin of treacle that is if you have enough coupons.

Mrs J Treacle! Oh what a treat. I shall have some spread on my bread and marge for tea.

SK Yes, here we are (taking her Ration Book and extracting a coupon). That will be exactly two shillings. (Mrs Jones pays her) Thank you. There you are, put that in your basket and don’t let anyone see it, strictly under the counter you know. I have only a few tins for my regular customers.

Mrs J Oh yes, now I remember what it was that I wanted. Have you got any of that stuff to stick my false teeth in with?

SK (Hunting around shelves) I think I can find you a tin somewhere, I don’t often get asked for it. Yes here it is. It is a pity that that parachute trainee of Mr Wood’s didn’t have some.

Mrs J Why do you say that?

SK Havent you heard the story?

Mrs J No …. Do tell me

SK Well it was like this, as you know, Mr Wood is a parachute instructor and sits next to each trainee as he jumps through the hole in the floor of the aeroplane. One day, when he shouted ‘Go’, one soldier put his hand to his mouth, as if in fear, then grasped Mr Wood’s hand before jumping out. Mr Wood looked down to see what he had placed in his hand and was horrified to see a set of false teeth. As he opened his hand, the teeth fell through the hole too without any parachute, never to be found again. Needless to say, he had to have a new set of teeth compliments of the Army!

Mrs J I’ll take this, I don’t want any new teeth. I have only just got these comfortable. How much did you say? (fumbling in her purse)

SK Five pence please …………. Thank you very much. (Looks beyond Mrs J). Ah speak of the devil, no, I don’t really mean that, but here comes young Mrs Wood herself, and with her new baby.

SK A girl I believe, isn’t she lovely, what have you called her?

(Both say Hello and look at the new baby)

Mrs W We have called her Wendy.

Mrs J Now that is what I call a really nice name. Has her Daddy seen her yet?

Mrs W Yes, he was allowed to come and see us immediately he got the message that she was born and he stayed late at night as well as he wasn’t jumping until dawn the next day.

Mrs J Mrs Gee has just been telling me the tale about your husband and the lost false teeth …… I am having trouble with mine, they keep slipping so I have to be very careful not to lose them. Has your husband told you any more funny stories lately?

Mrs W Well, as a matter of fact, a very funny incident happened on the very day after Wendy was born. As he had been with me all the previous evening, he had missed the final instructions, early next morning he rushed off on his cycle to the aerodrome only to be told that he should be on the dropping ground 10 miles away. He rushed to the front plane, scrambled inside and asked for the drifter’s parachute. The drifter was usually and experienced parachutist who jumped out of the plane first and did nothing to his chute but allowed it to drift in the wind, thus helping the pilots to drop the learner parachutists in the most favourable position.
On the dropping ground were other instructors each equipped with a loud hailer, and as soon as they realised that the drifter was my husband, they let out a chorus of yells ‘open your legs if it’s a girl, cross them it it’s a boy’. My husband who was drifting backwards, yelled back at them until he found himself entangled in the top of one of the tallest trees in the area with the parachute firmly twisted round the branches of the anext tree, twenty feet away! The RAF fire brigade could not reach him because their ladders were not long enough, but, after a wait of half an hour, suspended in mid air, he was finally released by a soldier who had climbed up the steep tree trunk. Delighted to be on flat earth again, he went to the local Salvation Army canteen, where the other instructors were, as dropping had been cancelled because of the strong drift, only to be told that everybody had had a celebratory drink at his expense and that they were now waiting for him to pay up!

(Shopkeeper and Mrs J both laugh heartily)

Mrs J Oh dear, I am going to lose my teeth. I really must go ( she runs of clasping her mouth)

SK Well Mrs Wood, that is the best story I have heard for a long time. It will be all around the village in half an hour, that is if Mrs Jones can manage to fasten her teeth in firmly for long enough to tell the tale. It must be lunch time now, I will go and close the door,. Good day to you.

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